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Hope should come with a warning label

Q

quiet depths in open oceans

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*Note; I say the word you a lot, I don't mean you, I am just talking out into the ether, please don't take this personally.
I hate the word hope. I hate hope full stop. People talk about hope like it's this lifeline that keeps depressive people from giving up, like hope is some cure. Hope fuels dreams, ambitions, aspirations. Hope makes you want to believe in life, so you do. But then you forget. At least I did. You forget that you didn't have hope before. You want to tell the world about your dreams, and they're so excited you got out of bed they tell you to chase those dreams, to make them true. And those people, they tell you they'll help you, and because of them, this time will be different. And because of hope, you believe them.
And then people let you down, they always do, but it's not always their fault. I have diagnosed BPD, one thing it does, is it makes the world black and white. As soon as someone betrays me, in even the smallest of ways, I can't seem to make myself forgive them, and nothing is like it was before. I push those people away, and because they don't understand me, they leave.
So now you're alone again. But what about your dream, this thing you believed could happen, would happen, your one chance at a happy life? You try and do it alone, but it never works out. You miss things, fall behind, get overwhelmed, and the reality you believed comes crashing down around you. And what's worse is your now surrounded in what you built for this 'future'. For example I'm stuck at university, in a dream I thought I could do. Everyone believes I will be a university graduate, I'll be lucky if I survive the year.
The world, what was supposed to be your world, is now so foreign, you've lost everything. And then you see it, your broken dream. But it's not the only one, it sits in a graveyard filled with every lost and broken dream you've had. Because bpd and depression isn't linear, it's a vicious spiral, and every new dream comes with amnesia of all the failed dreams you had before. You get so swept up in hope, you give life everything you have, and mental illness just pulls the rug from under your feet and takes it all from you. You go from flying to falling in seconds.
It's not just the dreams that break, it's you, you break too. Alone and broken, that is where hope leads you. Hope is the most dangerous drug of them all, a silent poison.
They say there is no hope in death, I hope they're right. I reckon most people find the absence of hope depressing, but I already have depression. For me, the absence of hope means the absence of false starts and broken dreams. Death will always be consistent in a way life is not, and for someone who is tired of the roller-coaster life her mental illness forced her onto, death has an appeal life will never have.
I don't want hope. I don't want to hope, because I don't want to have to lose that hope. What is it Shakespeare said? "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Shakespeare obviously didn't have bpd, because losing is not worth the dreams I had. All I have are broken dreams, broken lives inside my head, and I hold hope responsible.
 
D

Daringdan

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Hoping does seem like it can detract from realism but if hope is one of your main virtues how can you not exercise it?
 
G

Gingerpenguin

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Everybody has hopes but the secret is finding the realism to prove you have no hope, sure death is the end of hope , but you find a way to exist from day to day and only focus on what’s needed from you in 24 hours, push through the bad moments and saviour the good because as people we are shit at celebrating small achievements. The achievement with bpd and depression is to get through 24 hours cos you just never know what’s in store for you tomorrow.
if your low mood continues next day don’t worry cos you always have tomorrow and we all know nothing lasts forever good or bad....
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Shakespear and many other poets and artists like him struggled with soul demons and some had outright mental health disorders. Nevertheless, they took all this pain and anguish and used it to create something worderful. You might not be an artist but you too have the power to do the same.

Your goals, plans, dreams won't always play out the way you intended but that doesn't mean you should just give up on them. Yes, people do come and go in and out of our lives, some of them do so out of necessity due to other priorities in their lives, some simply wish to take a different direction in life, some do genuinely betray us but this is usually only a small minority. Whatever the reason, you shouldn't tie your personal happiness to that of other people, you got to maintain an internal locus of control.

BPD, just like many mental health problems is as you quite rightly said a complicated spiral of problems which has a major impact on your life, but its not a death sentance. With time and with the correct treatment it will get better. In fact, it is the most treatable personality disorder and has very high rates of remission. It takes time, it won't be easy but you will get there. You are young and you're only just beginning your journey into recovery, are you really prepared to check out before you have even gotten started?
 
D

dewey

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mental illness just pulls the rug from under your feet and takes it all from you.
Yes that is true about mental illness. It is very sad.

They say there is no hope in death, I hope they're right. I reckon most people find the absence of hope depressing, but I already have depression. For me, the absence of hope means the absence of false starts and broken dreams. Death will always be consistent in a way life is not, and for someone who is tired of the roller-coaster life her mental illness forced her onto, death has an appeal life will never have.
I think you write with a lot of idealism and I can fully recognise the place where you're writing from. Always remember in life, there is some kind of constantly moving continuum. The fact you wrote this has resonated with me. The fact I am writing back to you will hopefully resonate with you. It's a butterfly effect of one thing influencing another.

It is true that in bpd or otherwise, the emotions are so extreme and consuming, you feel both the hope and loss at maximum force. You can kind of see two extremes, these two: hope and loss, the two co-exist and they kind of do a dance. The hope and the loss are a constant play-out. You hope, and much like Sisyphus pulling the boulder up the hill, then the loss hits you and you watch the boulder roll back down the hill. You start to think why am I even bothering with pushing this boulder up the hill anyway? When the two extremes are so strong, the easiest thing is just to leave the boulder alone, and choose death right?

But something tells me this hope and loss thing are like doing a dance around the real issue, which is the emptiness you are trying to fill, like a void in the middle of the hope and through the loss. It's like through hoping, you're thinking that maybe the empty void is going to be filled and repaired, and the loss then reminds you that it can't be filled. So all the while while the hope and loss are getting played out, there's this constant in the background, the emptiness, and you're right it's like a vicious cycle which fulfils nothing. Because the emptiness is always still there.

The emptiness is what most people, I believe, try to avoid. They completely ignore it, and find a distraction from it. They go through their whole lives constantly distracting themselves from it, when they get close to realising it's there, they push it away, they don't want to look at it. BPD individuals I believe are somehow different. They are kind of hyper-alert to the emptiness (not always consciously) but they are so aware, even on a subconscious level, of the emptiness that it intensifies the hope and loss they feel.

So how do you address the emptiness? I don't know, age, acceptance, maturity, wisdom, calm, resignation? these kinds of things. Because death isn't really an option (most of us are bound to this planet by something we actually deem important like a loved one), you have to start to re-consider why you are even doing this playout in the first place. Everytime you enter a mental health crisis, you will be reminded of why you are actually really here. You are actually important, you have nothing to prove. That is the hardest fact in the world to accept. That's the power of unconditional love. Where do you find it? Some find it in God because they can't find it here on earth. Something has to anchor you. There has to be something, surely. There has to be some resolution to the emptiness. I think it might just be a kind of acceptance. Looking deep within. A kind of calm. The exhaustion of mental illness is terrible, but I believe there has to be a calm after the storm. Where you're maybe less exhausted and more just tired. You resign yourself. Things balance out again. Sometimes it takes a big storm, a big big storm. And then you have to kind of re-kindle your trust in life. That things are moving for a reason, it's not all about you and what you hope and dream, but there's some kind of larger picture beyond yourself, that you are a part of. Things are moving around you. You can ride with it. You don't need to get carried with extremes. Extremes are exhilerating, they make you feel alive.

I actually don't have an answer for you. There is no real answer. Not that you asked a question. But I believe we all need to take a break from our emptiness. Distract yourself like regular folk. They don't need love and dreams as much as we do and they don't feel things as much either.

You can find a beauty in the sharing of these thoughts between two people. Even though we all go through the same shitty motions , something has to balance out in the end. Remind yourself you are enough. Sometimes it takes a lot of convincing. Something good has to come out of something.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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my dad used to say mental hospitals should have abandon hope all ye who enter here written above the door

pandoras box were all the demons that plague manking come out and last comes out hope and in one version hope is the worst demon of them all because it keeps you going when you'd be bettter off giving up
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

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Couldnt agree more, and btw you wrote Excelently IN MY OPINION, felt like a book page

And I feel just like this, everytime a hope or dream is broken, I get broken too, it feels like SCARS, everytime I get strongly disappointed, the scars are added to the memories, and both motivation AND HOPE seem to just have less power with time; the cycle intensifies, when other people ALSO disappoint

Wish I could help/answer this, but I cant, Im in same situation.
One thing I can say though is that what was said here about ONE DAY AT A TIME, LIVING BY EACH 24H, its TOTALLY TRUE that its the way, seem simplistic but its not. It gets LIGHTER; Our minds play constant trick between past and future (and Present), and WE DONT NOTICE the idealizations that come w these time travels. It pushes the reality that is right around us, by the different emotions (fear is the most common btw, fear of LOSS for example, like said in the thread)
And also, it may be hard to believe sometimes (I KNOW) but YOU ARE ENOUGH, period. You dont have to achieve big accomplishments, professions, please ppl etc, your EXISTENCE already matters

Best wishes from the heart out
 
R

ramboghettouk

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if you've got hope of getting better getting a job and leading a normal life society will set it's dwp attack dogs on you on the grounds your a scrounger and need to be motivated to get a job, it's only when you see yourself as completely disabled and present that way in interviews you'll pass or should i say fail the work capability test and get disability benefits
 
floater

floater

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Hope is helped by having a large army with ammunition. It isn't much more than deluded fantasy when it lacks some firepower on the battlefield of life.
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

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Hope is helped by having a large army with ammunition. It isn't much more than deluded fantasy when it lacks some firepower on the battlefield of life.
Makes sense, what type of ammunition do you think of??
 
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