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Holiday and depression

Annelis

Annelis

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Slovakia
My summer holiday has started two days ago and it seems to have really bad effect on me. During the school time, I have lot of things to concentrate on so I thought the depression was gone (and I think my other MH issues are enough).. even during the coronavirus season when I actually didn't go to school or work and was only at home, I was ok depressionwise, because I got up and did a lot of work for school and then had time to relax, so everything was more or less good..
In June I was back to work because they were able to reopen. Wednesday was my last work day and at the beginning of the week I already had all my grades at the university. I was looking forward to the holiday. I thought I'll just do all the relax things I did during the pandemics, and those I wrote down during the school time when I thought I wanted to do something and didn't have enough time. On Wednesday evening when I came from work it was okay, I read a book, practice musical instruments, played a game with my family... But the next day it didn't feel ok anymore.
I just feel like I'm wasting time. Plus this is my last holiday as I have only one year left at the university. So I should enjoy it and I feel guilty when I feel like nothing makes sense and I don't want to do anything. Also I must start working on my final thesis and I'm scared I won't be able to do it well, right now I feel unable to begin at all. And when I realise it's my last year of university, I start stressing because that means I'll have to give up my part time job which I love and I will have to find a real job which is unlikely... My sister finishes university this year in the same field and there are job offers but everyone wants someone with experience, so it's likely that by this time next year it will be the end of everything... I will be condemned by society and my own family if I don't find a job and I will lose my beloved part time job for nothing. I know it's far from now and it might not end like that but the thoughts just keep coming... So it makes me feel like the whole university studying is futile and my part time job is futile, and I just can't relax at all.
My best friend who is like a sister to me and if she didn't take care of me I don't know where I'd be, or if I still would have been alive, she's gone to her cousin's wedding so I'm going to be lonely for 3 days so it's making it only worse. And my mom suggested that perhaps she'll meet someone interesting and fall in love and start a family and then no one will help me survive... So that freaks me as well.. I know it's unlikely, but as my mom said it I started to realise also that this will come to an end one day as well and I will have to learn to live all alone and I don't think I will be able to. But I don't think there's much perspective for me to ever get married, because who would want an insane freak like me... I said to myself few years ago that I might try some dating website when I get my MH issues under control but as it hasn't happened since then, I don't think it ever will.. and anyway I'm unattractive so even if I wasn't difficult to live with due to my MH problems, why would anyone want to be with someone as ugly as me... Just unlikely.
I know I should think about all these things because none of them are happening now, but I just can't stop... And it makes me feel depressed again and I don't have enough motivation to do anything I planned for holiday and if I just stay in bed and play with my phone, I hate myself afterwards...
Sorry if it doesn't make any sense, I just really had to tell someone...
 
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bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
884
Location
England
I am sorry you are struggling. It sounds like not having a routine may be making you feel a bit lost. Is it possible to create a routine for yourself while you are on your holidays? Maybe eating and sleeping at a certain time could be a start.

I know what it is like to feel too worthless to have a partner. You are hurting right now and you are going through a lot. I like your idea of joining a dating app once you feel stronger.
 
Annelis

Annelis

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Slovakia
Well that is what I have been aiming to, when writing down what I want to do during holiday when I still was ok. This isnt the first time, I've had hard time having holiday for several years, every year I plan stuff to do in advance.. but this year it seems to have broken too soon...
The thing is I don't think I'll ever feel any better. I'm just so weird I don't think anyone would put up with me.
 
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bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
884
Location
England
It may feel like this now but you still sound young. Sadly when we have mental illness it can take a lot of time before we feel an improvement. I can understand you thinking nobody would put up with you as I thought the same way about myself. I am sure you have lots of positive qualities. It can be hard to see them when we feel low.
 
Annelis

Annelis

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Slovakia
I know I have good qualities and I know I'm not too old or anything, just my younger sister had 3 boyfriends and is sort of taking it really seriously with the one she has now, and I'm older than her and I have never been in any relationship and the last time someone was interested in dating me, I was barely 15 and he was ten years older and I really didn't feel ready for any relationship at that time and especially not with a person so much older than me.
And anyway, I don't think my good qualities would make up for all my weirdness. I can't imagine anyone would want to look at me tossing on the floor and screaming for no reason, just because I would help them with anything when I feel better. I don't think anyone would want to endure hours of me talking to them in sign language or in English (not everyone in my country speaks English) because something's wrong with me and I just can't talk normally, just because I can make homemade bakery products... It just feels like it would be very unfair to that imaginary person to had to endure these things when there are plenty of women who don't have such problems and they also have positive qualities and are probably thinner than me.
Anyway, about my holiday, I did a lot of cleaning on Friday and I'm still not done with the whole flat so that could entertain me for some time. Yesterday I visited my grandma. I still feel depressed but I guess forcing myself to do something still counts as better than just lying in bed (which I'm doing now anyway)..
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
763
It is difficult to live with a person with MH issues like myself. However, almost everyone has some type of MH problems. Some worse than others. I feel the same way. I am married, but my wife cannot cope with my depression. I am quite afraid to be alone also. I am not sure what I can do. It is a real struggle and battle against depression. I get some treatment, but it doesn't help so much. Maybe you will have better success than me.
 
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bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
884
Location
England
I think you are very hard on yourself. I can understand you feeling bad because your sister has dated more then you. You were right not to date before if you did not feel ready. Maybe in time you will feel ready to have therapy. I understand you may not be able to talk to the therapist but maybe you could write down how you feel with them. I am really sorry you are feeling so low.
 
Annelis

Annelis

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Slovakia
I think you are very hard on yourself. I can understand you feeling bad because your sister has dated more then you. You were right not to date before if you did not feel ready. Maybe in time you will feel ready to have therapy. I understand you may not be able to talk to the therapist but maybe you could write down how you feel with them. I am really sorry you are feeling so low.
Well sometimes I feel like I would desperately love to do something about all of my wierdness and get some therapy, but then I decide the next day that I find the idea just silly and it wouldn't make sense anyway..
 
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bpd2020

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Messages
884
Location
England
Maybe you could write up a list of pros and cons of therapy? I feel if somebody is struggling then there is nothing to lose by trying therapy.
 
Annelis

Annelis

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Slovakia
Well what there is to lose is going there and finding out it's not helping and therefore losing the last hope that there can be something done about it.
 
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bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
884
Location
England
I can understand that. It sounds like a difficult decision for you.
 
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