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HOCD

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Nika

New member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
2
Location
England
I'm soon to be 20 years old (less then a month) and I'm a female.
Since I was a child, I never had a crush. In kindergarden, I always played with girls, and I don't remember to ever had any friend who was a boy. And no, I haven't had any crushes on boys or girls. I need to mention that I'm really high girl (185 cm). I was always higher then all boys in kindergarden and school. When I went to elementary school, I was bullied. Boys were always laughing at me because I was really high and I wasn't so pretty. They would always say that I'm the ugliest in class, they were making fun of me and them and popular girls were making up stories that I told someone that I have a crush on xy person, and then that persons would be dissgused of me and everyone would laugh. Also, I remember one boy told me that everyone in class think that I'm sp ugly that I should have been a male, not a girl. It really hurted me back than, but I never told anyone about that. Later on, I started being friend with one girl from my class, we become best friends. We were always together and I really loved her, but I never thought of touching her or kissing her, I just saw her as a friend. My mind is telling me now that I may have had a crush on her. I remember that I actually was jelaous of her boyfriend in high school, but I was jelaous because she was always with him and she had no time for me. But also, my mind is telling me now that I was probably jelaous because I liked her and I didn't realise. I only had her as a friend, and I always wanted to have a lot of friends and be popular. So I started having an imaginary world. In that world the main charachter wasn't really me. It was some girl who was really pretty, popular, rich, every boy liked her and she had all pretty and famous friends. I named her after myself. Was she actually me? I don't know. So, I put in that world some real - life people that I didn't actually know. Like, If some girl was really popular in town I would make her best friend of that girl. Also, some popular boys or boys who I found pretty were her boyfriends (they changed from time to time). But, the problem which I have in my head now is that that I would become literally obssesed with those people who I put in that world, with girls too, like I would check their facebook or ask.fm to see what they are doing so I can also do that in my imaginary world. Now my mind is telling me that I must have had crushes on all of them. Also, there was a time when I met online one girl who was popular in my town. I was really excited that she wants to talk to me and I daydreamed of us becoming friends. Now my mind also is telling me that I might have a crush on her. Even though I don't know whats the crush. I was kind of obssesed with one football player at world cup 2014. I saw him as really handsome and I didn't actually put him in my imaginary world but instead I daydreamed about him being with girl who I imagined (also named after me) who is from my country. That definitely could be me. I actually cried when his team lost, even thpugh thats not my country, its far away. In high school I started being friend with group of girls who were 'popular' and also was very excited about that. I also had a real heartbreaks when I was stopping a few friendships. I'm really sensitive and It really hits me and I was thinking of that people for a long time after we stopped hanging out. Sl now my mind is telling me that I maybe had a crush on them. Anyways, I never become obssesed with some boy from real life. I could say sometimes that someone is cute but I could never imagine them falling for me. I have a male best friend now (since 3 year of high school) but he is a really 'girly' boy and he is smaller than me (no offence to anyone, I really adore him), and I always thought that I don't like him because of that but now my mind is telling me that the reason is because I'm actually gay. My friends from high school weren't really in hanging out in clubs, so we were mostly in caffe bar near my school and by the weekends we were all home. So I never really had a chance of meeting someone and falling for them. And I think I might have kind of switched off my crush bottun back than in elementary school because i may have traumas from bullying? Anyways, It really didnt bothered me that I still haven't a boyfriend and that I didn't have a crush till maybe 2 months ago. Also, until then I never considered that I might be lesbian. I never thought that i may like some girl or felt some attraction for anyone I know. I could always say that some girl is pretty but so could I for boys. But, I did watched lesbian porn (with some other, I could watch gay too, and some weird stuff porns and stories that I'm not really proud of but it was a turn on for me, yet normal straight porn with like young man and young women in a normal relationship couldn't turn me on.) I watched that since I was maybe 15, and it was confusing for me so maybe I thought a couple of times what If I would like to have a lesbian sex, but it would just be in my head like "you would never do that in real life". It didn't really bothered me, I never thought of having a relationship with a girl. So, 2 months ago I started searching the reasons why I never had a crush and is that normal and I did find stories of people who are like me and it calmed me. at the time I also started telling my friends that I really want a boyfriend and that we need to hang out and find someone for me, it didn't seem odd for me when I was saying it, until I haven't seen a comment on story of never having a crush someone posted which was something like: do you maybe like girls and don't realise? It was a trigger for me. It started slowly, but now it's hell. I have aniexity, when I'm alone I'm crying and shaking and I'm pretty sure I have panic attacks. One day my sister got into my room and i was at the floor shaking and crying and when she aksed me if I'm okay i told her just: I want to kill myself. I never had suicidal thoughts till then. I even prayed to God to forgive me for that thoughts and I prayed to help me to get over that thoughts of being gay. My faith is a bit different than my religion. I'm chirstian but I'm against church and i think that God is not like them. I don't bother with church rules. But i believe in God. I DON'T have anything against gay people, actually I don't find them sick, they aren't disgusting for me, they are normal. I remember when I was with my sister and my dad few months ago at one national park, my dad saw two girls kissing and he told something like 'look,, they are lesbian'. And I was like 'So, it's normal.' but i didn't had a feeling that I want to kiss girls. I always wanted to have a first kiss with a man, to get married with a man and have children. I really don't want to be gay. I mean, my parents are a little bit homophobic but I know that they would accept it by time, and also my sister is 'gay fan', she has gay friends and she would be definitely okay with that. But I don't want to be lesbian. And when I see symptoms of HOCD it's always like: they are dissgused by thoughts of kissing with girls. I'm not, I think when I have that scenes in head right now I get anoxious and shake but I'm not disgusted. I dont have butterflies in stomach either. My mind is telling me that that is what i actually want and that I'm just denying myself with feeling better when I imagine kissing boys. And when I'm not home, or when my mind is clear and I am calm I feel completely straight and I am like: why tf do you even cosnider that you would like to be with a girl, you want a boyfriend, it's obvious? And then my problem seems like a joke to me, and I even posted this on few pages already but deleted it when I was feeling good and thought that I'm dumb to even post that when I know on my own that I'm straight. But in my 'dark moments' when this gets me I really don't see an end to it. I have this suicidal thoughts etc., Also I'm afraid that now when "I realised" I'm gay that I will fall in love with some girl. I'm avoiding hanging out etc. Also im afraid that by time I could get okay with being lesbian and come out, and I don't really want to. I would actually rather be in a closet for a whole life than being lesbian. I want to fin a boyfriend, love him and that he loves me. I want to get married to him and have kids, run a succesful carrer etc. Also, fun fact: i still have imaginary world and now it has a lot of charachters. Some of them are in relationships (straight). I know it's weird to have a imaginary world in my age but it helped me to get through a lot. I always find straight couples cute and I am a fan of few celebrity couples. I don't have an urge to look at gay or lesbian couples. I don't hate them, they are normal to me but always was much more interested in cute straight relationships. So i don't know if this is Hocd, im so confused because signs of it is: you have Always been attracted by people of opposite sex ( i was never attracted to no one), you don't get aroused by gay porn (I do, but with others too) etc. I don't know how to help myself, in my country psychologists probably don't know about HOCD and would probably try to help me to 'come out' and i don't want to..
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,216
Location
Nashua NH
I think sometimes the experiences we have defy a label and don’t necessarily need to have a label to have them hold meaning. Clearly you are at a point where there is some fuzziness in your mind around sexuality and that is okay. I would say many to most people your age think about their sexuality with some degree of openness...it doesn’t mean that they are homosexual or not. I would continue on as you are doing experimenting with sexuality in your mind. No harm can come of it. If you would like to experiment sexually with a female that would be okay too. Lots of people go through these kinds of experimental phases in college where they have the freedom to explore lots of things living with their parents and going to high school might discourage. Thinking about sexual identity is common of people your age so I wouldn’t be self conscious about it. Just do what you want and think about what you want to without trying to assign a diagnosis to it. Everything is and will be fine. xo, j
 
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SimpleMan27

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Skagit County, WA
I would defiantly talk to a Counselor or Psychiatrist, they will surely help you!!!
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,338
Location
Glasgow
Its ok to bi sexual. Nothing to be ashamed off or worry about. Your at that age where is all happening, hormones, fellings etc. Try relax a wee bit and enjoy the journey. That should be a beautiful time in your life not a worry. Once your old then start worrying about stuff. Untill then try calm down and juat enjoy your self 👍
 
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