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HOCD (?)

L

Luna Gomez

Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Spain
Hi everyone :) here comes a big rant.

My name is Luna, I'm 20 years old, from Spain, and I have never been into a serious relationship before. I have had crushes before, sure, but I have never been the relationship type since I have been really independent and looking for a great professional future. I have always thought this is "normal" and never tried to find more reasoning behind it but then, the pandemic happened.

I was at home watching a Youtube video from a channel I really like and in this specific video, the girl explained how she realized she is into women. At first I did not relate to anything she said but then she talked about denial and how sometimes we just like the feeling of being with men. The fact that maybe I could be a lesbian in denial and that I had been lying to myself for 20 years started to occupy all my thoughts, 24/7. I had never experienced attraction towards women, or had a crush or romantic attraction for them but I constantly thought that I am in denial.

Therefore, what I did was to start looking at videos of people coming out, and when the smallest things applied to me (example: "i did not like boybands when I was in high school" or "i am a cat person" (wtf)) it was like a proof that I was a lesbian. The problem is that the mere thought of being with a woman caused me anxiety, like it was not me, but my mind could not (and can't) stop thinking that I am lying to myself. I have been doing stuff like this (watching videos of lesbian and bisexual women explaining their stories, signs you are queer, etc) for about 5 months now and still no answers until I came across hocd videos and I think this may be what's happening to me.

today, for instance, I watched a lesbian porn video and event though I felt some type of arousal, it felt kind of weird, like it was not right, like I could not imagine myself doing that with a woman. So I thought, okay I am straight but then my mind is again telling me, "nooo you're denying it and lying to yourself and to the lgbtq community"... this is how i am feeling currently and I don't know what to do to feel better... i guess writing these loooong texts help a little.

if you've reached the end of the text I want to say thank you! You're great haha :) lots of love to everyone in the forum.

(Sorry for the rant and for the english...)
 
S

saha

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
India
Hi everyone :) here comes a big rant.

My name is Luna, I'm 20 years old, from Spain, and I have never been into a serious relationship before. I have had crushes before, sure, but I have never been the relationship type since I have been really independent and looking for a great professional future. I have always thought this is "normal" and never tried to find more reasoning behind it but then, the pandemic happened.

I was at home watching a Youtube video from a channel I really like and in this specific video, the girl explained how she realized she is into women. At first I did not relate to anything she said but then she talked about denial and how sometimes we just like the feeling of being with men. The fact that maybe I could be a lesbian in denial and that I had been lying to myself for 20 years started to occupy all my thoughts, 24/7. I had never experienced attraction towards women, or had a crush or romantic attraction for them but I constantly thought that I am in denial.

Therefore, what I did was to start looking at videos of people coming out, and when the smallest things applied to me (example: "i did not like boybands when I was in high school" or "i am a cat person" (wtf)) it was like a proof that I was a lesbian. The problem is that the mere thought of being with a woman caused me anxiety, like it was not me, but my mind could not (and can't) stop thinking that I am lying to myself. I have been doing stuff like this (watching videos of lesbian and bisexual women explaining their stories, signs you are queer, etc) for about 5 months now and still no answers until I came across hocd videos and I think this may be what's happening to me.

today, for instance, I watched a lesbian porn video and event though I felt some type of arousal, it felt kind of weird, like it was not right, like I could not imagine myself doing that with a woman. So I thought, okay I am straight but then my mind is again telling me, "nooo you're denying it and lying to yourself and to the lgbtq community"... this is how i am feeling currently and I don't know what to do to feel better... i guess writing these loooong texts help a little.

if you've reached the end of the text I want to say thank you! You're great haha :) lots of love to everyone in the forum.

(Sorry for the rant and for the english...)
Hi Luna , There is nothing wrong being a lesbian or bisexsual . You want a person whom you can trust , love . So what if that person happens to be a woman . It's alright honey . Love is love . I am ten yrs older than you and still I am focused on my career and don't want to get married to a wrong person . I am waiting for right person . I just want to be loved and supported . Just wait honey . You don't need to decide right now . Enjoy your life . It's alright if you feel aroused after watching lesbian porn you know why because women are full of passion and has lots of emotions too. So when you are watching lesbian porn you can connect with them easily cause you women too honey. lesbian porns are full of passion and the connection they portrays are amazing . It's alright honey . Don't stress yourself too much . You are just 20 yrs old . Enjoy your life , focus on your big career :). By the way what do you want to become in your life? Feel free to share your thoughts anytime with us :)
 
L

Luna Gomez

Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Spain
Hi Saha! Thank you for replying :) i know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual or lesbian, many of my friends belong to the community as well as family members so I grew up in a very welcoming and accepting environment. I guess what i'm scared of is like putting a level on myself that is not the one that defines me the most; and it is very frustrating sometimes. The fact that I have suffered with ocd makes it harder for me to accept this uncertainty and it's not making me live in "peace".

the thought of me lying to myself and being in denial is suuuper scary because i have always been confident about who i am and what i want to be; so I guess i'm scared of having lied to myself (even though there is no big proof of that).

anyways, i would like to work in an NGO that specializes in refugeedom or women/girls education :) i'm at college now, studying and preparing for this!! Thanks for asking!
 
S

saha

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
India
Hi Saha! Thank you for replying :) i know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual or lesbian, many of my friends belong to the community as well as family members so I grew up in a very welcoming and accepting environment. I guess what i'm scared of is like putting a level on myself that is not the one that defines me the most; and it is very frustrating sometimes. The fact that I have suffered with ocd makes it harder for me to accept this uncertainty and it's not making me live in "peace".

the thought of me lying to myself and being in denial is suuuper scary because i have always been confident about who i am and what i want to be; so I guess i'm scared of having lied to myself (even though there is no big proof of that).

anyways, i would like to work in an NGO that specializes in refugeedom or women/girls education :) i'm at college now, studying and preparing for this!! Thanks for asking!
Don't be scared of being yourself Luna . It's alright . Our emotions can change anytime . Don't get frustrated . You don't need to put a label on yourself right now . Just enjoy your life and as for the OCD I can understand that why it's soo hard for you to accept it but you have to try it . You have to try to reduce your anxiety . I don't know if you believe in meditation or not but I overcame my depression , anxiety and drug addiction because of meditation . I had panic attacks regularly and It was painful to overcome my anxiety and addiction . It's been 4 yrs I am clean . I hope for your recovery :)

 
S

saha

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
India
Hi Saha! Thank you for replying :) i know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual or lesbian, many of my friends belong to the community as well as family members so I grew up in a very welcoming and accepting environment. I guess what i'm scared of is like putting a level on myself that is not the one that defines me the most; and it is very frustrating sometimes. The fact that I have suffered with ocd makes it harder for me to accept this uncertainty and it's not making me live in "peace".

the thought of me lying to myself and being in denial is suuuper scary because i have always been confident about who i am and what i want to be; so I guess i'm scared of having lied to myself (even though there is no big proof of that).

anyways, i would like to work in an NGO that specializes in refugeedom or women/girls education :) i'm at college now, studying and preparing for this!! Thanks for asking!
Best of luck for your career :)
 
E

Elisante

Taking a break
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
847
Location
Greece
You are straight. Please stop watching videos of "signs you are bisexual" and stuff like that, it will drive you crazy. If you were a lesbian you would know it. You already said
that you live in an accepting environment and you are accepting yourself so where would the denial come from? Watching lesbian porn, will turn you on since it's sexual in nature, that doesn't make you a lesbian. I really hope you can get rid of ocd doubt, it's truly a nightmare:hug1:
 
L

Luna Gomez

Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Spain
thanks for the answer! It helps a lot, actually. That's what I always think, I live in a very healthy environment and since I was very little I received education on different sexual orientations and never identified with them. But then, that video happened and all the doubts started to appear (especially because I always turn down men and never go into relationships and stuff).

i know i'm straight (of course not 100%, i do find some women Very attractive) but this anxiety has even made me lose some attraction I felt towards guys. as i said before, I think that it's just fear of not being honest with myself and this fear of uncertainty; like i need to get answers for everything (for example why i have never been in a relationship) and when I don't get them i obsess with it.

i guess it will take time. Do you recomend like meditation or something like that? Thanks!! Lots of love, everyone here is so nice💛
 
E

Elisante

Taking a break
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
847
Location
Greece
thanks for the answer! It helps a lot, actually. That's what I always think, I live in a very healthy environment and since I was very little I received education on different sexual orientations and never identified with them. But then, that video happened and all the doubts started to appear (especially because I always turn down men and never go into relationships and stuff).

i know i'm straight (of course not 100%, i do find some women Very attractive) but this anxiety has even made me lose some attraction I felt towards guys. as i said before, I think that it's just fear of not being honest with myself and this fear of uncertainty; like i need to get answers for everything (for example why i have never been in a relationship) and when I don't get them i obsess with it.

i guess it will take time. Do you recomend like meditation or something like that? Thanks!! Lots of love, everyone here is so nice💛
I get what you mean, but a lot of girls don't have relationship at age 20. You may have not been ready for a relationship until now.

I wish I could recommend something. My doubts go away on their own, some of them gradually.

You also seen very nice💙
 
S

saha

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
India
thanks for the answer! It helps a lot, actually. That's what I always think, I live in a very healthy environment and since I was very little I received education on different sexual orientations and never identified with them. But then, that video happened and all the doubts started to appear (especially because I always turn down men and never go into relationships and stuff).

i know i'm straight (of course not 100%, i do find some women Very attractive) but this anxiety has even made me lose some attraction I felt towards guys. as i said before, I think that it's just fear of not being honest with myself and this fear of uncertainty; like i need to get answers for everything (for example why i have never been in a relationship) and when I don't get them i obsess with it.

i guess it will take time. Do you recomend like meditation or something like that? Thanks!! Lots of love, everyone here is so nice💛
Yes You are right it will take some time . You are just 20 yrs old . Don't stress about it right now . Enjoy life :)
 
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