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HOCD taking over my life

A

anxiousavocado

New member
Joined
Apr 21, 2021
Messages
2
Location
England
Hello everyone,
This is the first time writing on this forum. I want to begin by saying that due to waiting times etc, I have been unable to get any sort of help for therapy or diagnose for my supposedly ocd, which makes the situation all that much tougher. I will warn that I will be including words that may be triggering to some so-ocd sufferers.
Since the end of 2019, I began getting these distressing thoughts every so often about being attracted to the same gender, but luckily when it first began it was easy to do a quick compulsion and move on, then not being distressed for ages. At first it was not damaging and did not effect any current friendships, as the unwanted thoughts didn’t come around my friends. My first horrible memory of HOCD was watching little women in cinema and spending the whole time extremely distressed because my mind was trying to tell me that I was attracted to amy. I think Florence Pugh is gorgeous of course, and before this ocd I was able to confidently say a woman was pretty, but I don’t want to be with one. I have nothing against gay people, but it’s not me. And if I turned gay, or even bi it feels like my identity is being ripped away from me and I’ll never be happy, and never have the life I wanted which was to meet a guy and get married to him. It’s important to note that I already thought I had ocd before this subtype came to be. I would spend lessons and lessons at school with a song stuck in my head, having to sing it a certain amount of times, or spending half an hour on a ten minute video because I had to rewind to catch every single work. But this HOCD is by far the most debilitating. The past year it had been on and off and on and off but in February is suddenly came on and hasn’t gone off again, and is gradually getting worse and worse. I know get my thoughts with every single girl I am close to, including my best friend. I spend large amount of times in distress that my friend likes me just because she told me that at one point in her life she went out with a girl to experiment, and didn’t like it and realised it wasn’t her, but I still have a fear because of that. I get unwanted images of kissing people in my class. Basically, being around people is a no no. In the past week it’s all started to feel very very real. I’ve been struggling with sleep and energy and now have no power to fight my thoughts so my mind is just agreeing. I will look at people just to say I’m not attracted, and when I’m not I’m happy but then I get scared that I’m just not attracted to that person like I was before my attraction to guys was diminished because of these horrible thoughts, that I was never attracted to every guy, so this is the same. When I look at a girl who’s pretty, I know theyre pretty, but I get feelings that are very confusing because I don’t like them but at this point my mind can differentiate between what’s real and fake. I also find myself trying to have unwanted sexual thoughts about family and other men to feel better and feel like my thoughts aren’t real, because I know eg if I had thoughts and feelings about my cousin, I know that’s irrational and fake so I could say the same about the thoughts in my HOCD. Anyway, I’m in a pickle, and I need basically any advice if you’ve even come this far in my message (so so sorry it’s long). Just everything feels too real and I feel like I’m losing my identity and I miss my old self. My mind has basically convinced myself that every thought is 100% real and that I’m in denial. I try sometimes to just not let the thoughts get to me because I’m so so shattered from compulsions, but then my mind says I like them and I’m too tired to fight that thought. All I want more than anything is to be on medication but I can’t see a therapist at the moment due to waiting lists. Does anyone know if there’s anyway to go to a gp and be prescribed with ssris if you aren’t in therapy or diagnosed? Sending love to people struggling too,
Anxious avocado x
 
A

anxiousavocado

New member
Joined
Apr 21, 2021
Messages
2
Location
England
Hello, me again. Sorry for any typos. Like I meant I *cant* differentiate between what’s real and fake. And when I said other men in terms of forcing on an unwanted sexual thought, I mean like older men, eg my teachers. Which sounds horrible, but it’s probably a compulsion for my HOCD to try and reassure myself that the other thoughts are fake. I also forgot to add that I have bad unwanted HOCD thoughts around my best friend also because we are both tomboys and wear trousers etc, I get petrified that I could come across as gay to people and that because both me and my best friend are tomboys, that people think we are together, even just typing that scares me. But my mind will be trying to twist everything and say I’d enjoy that when I wouldn’t. But yea I’m basically scared I’m too masculine. Which is actually an obsession as part of my HOCD that I didn’t pick up until I was reassurance seeking in the form of Google searching and found that was one thing people about, and now I do, and I have hyper fixation on it.
 
O

oliviaglue

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Frankfurt
Hi anxiousavocado, I just read your post and wanted to say, that you are not alone. I feel the same, I have the same irritating and intrusive thoughts and on my worse days I dont even have the energy fighting them. It always helps me reading posts form people with the same issues, because that gives me the chance to realize that all of this is just happening in my head and it is not what I really am feeling. What also often helps me are those OCD platforms on instagram. I hope you can find your way to life with the thoughts and get better soon.
 
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