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HOCD (Read at own risk; might be TMI)

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C

Charlie Patterson

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
70
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
Hey everyone, I hope you're all well. Just want to share what I've been going through for a large portion of my life. I am straight, I have always been attracted to girls and have always wanted to be in a relationship with one, I long for it infact. But ever since a young age, particularly age 10, I'd go through times when my mind would subconsciously try to convince me that I'm gay. It's always absolutely driven me crazy and at times I have fallen into a depression because I felt like I had lost a valuable piece of myself.
I never understood why I had these thoughts, but each time it feels like my mind invents new ways to bully me into thinking I'm something I'm not. I had these thoughts first when I was 10, then again when I was 12, they had then dissappeared when for 2 years and then when I was 15 they seemingly returned. Only this time I sought to finally understand what was going on in my head, I had a form of OCD, more specifically HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). At times these thoughts are sexually intrusive, so inappropriate sexual thoughts tend to plague my mind which causes my anxiety to skyrocket. These thoughts are back now that I'm 21 and though I wouldn't say it's the worst I've ever been, I still am just so frustrated that I have to put up with this in this day and age, I know my sexuality and I know what I've always wanted, that being a girlfriend and ultimately a family. But these thoughts won't allow me to relish in that fantasy, and manifest it, this time it feels like my brain is trying to convince me I don't like features that are feminine, ones that I have and do find highly attractive, but my mind won't leave me be and it's stressing me out because I don't see a why out of this... The thoughts feel so real.


I hope that made sense, it was a bit hard for me to share so thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you have a good day :)
 
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naya

naya

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Joined
Aug 11, 2020
Messages
46
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France
Hey everyone, I hope you're all well. Just want to share what I've been going through for a large portion of my life. I am straight, I have always been attracted to girls and have always wanted to be in a relationship with one, I long for it infact. But ever since a young age, particularly age 10, I'd go through times when my mind would subconsciously try to convince me that I'm gay. It's always absolutely driven me crazy and at times I have fallen into a depression because I felt like I had lost a valuable piece of myself.
I never understood why I had these thoughts, but each time it feels like my mind invents new ways to bully me into thinking I'm something I'm not. I had these thoughts first when I was 10, then again when I was 12, they had then dissappeared when for 2 years and then when I was 15 they seemingly returned. Only this time I sought to finally understand what was going on in my head, I had a form of OCD, more specifically HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). At times these thoughts are sexually intrusive, so inappropriate sexual thoughts tend to plague my mind which causes my anxiety to skyrocket. These thoughts are back now that I'm 21 and though I wouldn't say it's the worst I've ever been, I still am just so frustrated that I have to put up with this in this day and age, I know my sexuality and I know what I've always wanted, that being a girlfriend and ultimately a family. But these thoughts won't allow me to relish in that fantasy, and manifest it, this time it feels like my brain is trying to convince me I don't like features that are feminine, ones that I have and do find highly attractive, but my mind won't leave me be and it's stressing me out because I don't see a why out of this... The thoughts feel so real.


I hope that made sense, it was a bit hard for me to share so thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you have a good day :)
This sounds so hard to deal with. Sexual orientation in general is already so hard with the pressure of society and others around us, but when your brain doesn't want to believe and understand ether it must feel so confusing. I have finally after years of having others tell me that I "look" lesbian/bi or that I got to like girls since I don't have a boyfriend, I've finally found myself and that's the first step.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle💙
 
C

Charlie Patterson

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Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
70
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
Even though I am male, I can completely relate to what youre saying : ) I am trying to unlearn somethings regarding my HOCD and coming to terms with the fact that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. You're story of finding yourself is truly inspiring and thank YOU for sharing it with me : )
 
A

AtlantaPerson

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Atlanta
Hey,
I can totally relate. Mine started when I got sexual dysfunction with my last girlfriend, and several girls after that. I didn't think I was gay, or bi, but wasn't completely sure I was straight. I lost my identity / confidence in my heterosexuality.
Today, I told this to my friends and family. I was like, y'all, pretty sure I'm straight, but I just need to make sure that if I was gay, y'all would accept me. And they were like, of course.
So now it's not a fear I have. It's just like, if I'm gay, I'm gay, if I'm bi, I'm bi, if I'm straight I'm straight. So I can ask myself honest questions now that I'm free to be whoever, and it's just like, yeah, of course I'm straight. Lol.
But here's the thing I've learned. If you fear it, it will grow. It can affect you even if you're heterosexual. You can be so preoccupied with the potential negative consequences of being having same sex attraction that you can never stop and ask yourself, do I actually have same sex attraction?

So I would just ask, is this something you can share with your support network? I feel like if you make it okay to be gay, two things could happen :
1. Turns out your gay or bi, and now you know, and can change your life accordingly
2. Turns out your straight, and you were just being OCD.
Win win.

Fear will twist and distort reality. When you speak how you authentically feel with the people who matter, the truth will surface and you go forward knowing exactly who you are, which is a great feeling.

Good luck bro
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
744
Location
California, US
Today, I told this to my friends and family. I was like, y'all, pretty sure I'm straight, but I just need to make sure that if I was gay, y'all would accept me. And they were like, of course.
This sounds very courageous to me. And it makes sense that when you removed the fear of familial abandonment and social stigma of peers, it reduced the power of these thoughts.

That's some amazing self-work you done, sir.
 
C

Charlie Patterson

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
70
Location
Bournemouth, Dorset
Hey,
I can totally relate. Mine started when I got sexual dysfunction with my last girlfriend, and several girls after that. I didn't think I was gay, or bi, but wasn't completely sure I was straight. I lost my identity / confidence in my heterosexuality.
Today, I told this to my friends and family. I was like, y'all, pretty sure I'm straight, but I just need to make sure that if I was gay, y'all would accept me. And they were like, of course.
So now it's not a fear I have. It's just like, if I'm gay, I'm gay, if I'm bi, I'm bi, if I'm straight I'm straight. So I can ask myself honest questions now that I'm free to be whoever, and it's just like, yeah, of course I'm straight. Lol.
But here's the thing I've learned. If you fear it, it will grow. It can affect you even if you're heterosexual. You can be so preoccupied with the potential negative consequences of being having same sex attraction that you can never stop and ask yourself, do I actually have same sex attraction?

So I would just ask, is this something you can share with your support network? I feel like if you make it okay to be gay, two things could happen :
1. Turns out your gay or bi, and now you know, and can change your life accordingly
2. Turns out your straight, and you were just being OCD.
Win win.

Fear will twist and distort reality. When you speak how you authentically feel with the people who matter, the truth will surface and you go forward knowing exactly who you are, which is a great feeling.

Good luck bro
Thanks for the wishes man. You raise some valid points here and it's a breath of fresh air encountering somebody who more or less has the same experience. For a long time I thought I was crazy, but then I read about HOCD and then I found out that I wasn't the only one and I could finally make sense out of the craziness in my head. When I was younger Id get severe depression because of these thoughts, because I had no understanding of what they were all about, but now I understand and as irritating as they can be a times, I don't ever see myself entering a depression because of them ever again. So thank you for the advice man and for the kind words!
 
J

JHR

New member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Belfast
The fact that this is causing you such distress would indicate what you think you know about yourself is true and it causing anxiety is the proof.
What you need to do however is try to be comfortable those thoughts.
It's ok to find someone attractive and it doesn't mean that you want to be sexual with them.
Many people think like this but without causing any anxiety or distress. Its just unfortunate that that has fallen on you.
 

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