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HOCD please help really struggling

L

Lolly1234

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Hi if anyone could help me I would really appreciate it as I really need some questions answering.

so first of all I haven’t been diagnosed with hocd but I have spoken to my doctor about it and she said i might have some tinges of it but I think it worse that’s what she was saying.

okay so first of all it all started in lockdown but I did have the first episodes of it a couple years ago so I am quite an observant person I like to people watch and I’m quite nosey but this upsets me a bit because I think why I am I looking at other people girls obviously do I fancy them? But I just watch people when I’m out and about and I thinking this makes me weird.

another thing that has started happening recently is if I go to the shops or walk down the street if I see a girl I get these questions coming did I think she was pretty, am I attracted to her or even if I do think there pretty I think that makes me gay and I’m just denying my sexuality but that makes me really upset because whenever I think about being with a girl I don’t like it.

I’ve never actually had a boyfriend and this makes me doubt everything if I’m giving of a vibe that I’m gay and I really don’t like it. Whenever I’m watching videos on Facebook or Snapchat if a video comes on that happens to have a girl on it that’s wearing a showy off dress or the other day I was watching call the midwife which if no one knows it’s a tv series set in 1900s about women giving birth and this one episode came on that was about smear tests and instead of just clicking of it because I didn’t like it it’s like my whole body wouldn’t let me it just tensed up and got prepared to watch. Luckily I got myself out of it but it really freaked me out because I said to myself well if I didn’t like it then why didn’t I just click of it. And this happens quite a lot it’s like my body just takes over and I have no control

another thing that happens when I’m out and about I’ve got into my head if I look at a girl that means I’m gay and no offence even and old woman so I’m telling myself don’t look at that person or forcing myself not to look and it feels like I want to look so then I’m like does this mean I wanted to look does that mean I fancy that person. What does this mean can someone tell me please?

I also think when In the future that I’m going to get a boyfriend I’m really happy with and I’m suddenly going to come out gay and whenever anyone says boyfriend I get this gutting feeling or when someone says marriage and that makes me wonder what does this mean because I’ve always wanted that.

sorry this is so long there’s so much more I could say but can’t write it all down because it upsets me. Thankyou if anyone could honestly i would really appreciate it.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Just be you
Love who you love when the time comes
You are you, unique, and as long as you are a good and kind person, nothing else matters.
Just be yourself.
 
L

Lolly1234

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Just be you
Love who you love when the time comes
You are you, unique, and as long as you are a good and kind person, nothing else matters.
Just be yourself.
Thankyou but this wasn’t what I was really looking for I have sleepless nights worrying about whether I’m gay or not so this has actually made me have a panic attack
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Thankyou but this wasn’t what I was really looking for I have sleepless nights worrying about whether I’m gay or not so this has actually made me have a panic attack
You don't want to be gay are you saying? Me either, and luckily i'm not attracted to women. Do you worry you are attracted to women?

It doesn't matter if you are gay or not, i personally believe.
 
Tawny

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Sorry, i was trying to help you feel better :grouphug:it is a little quiet being NYE
 
Tawny

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1. You are not weird to appreciate the human body, of either gender. We appreciate a cat and an elephants body, but we don't want to have a relationship with them.
:)
 
L

Lolly1234

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Sorry, i was trying to help you feel better :grouphug:it is a little quiet being NYE
Yes I do worry about being attracted to women and don’t worry I just hate this because I don’t understand how can be attracted to women if I cry about it all the time and worry about it
 
Tawny

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Lolly i am so sorry, it is nothing something i understand persoanally, and not something i can get my head around, but other people on the forum might understand. There are many other posts on this forum about the same worries, have you read them? They might help you.
 
L

Lolly1234

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Lolly i am so sorry, it is nothing something i understand persoanally, and not something i can get my head around, but other people on the forum might understand. There are many other posts on this forum about the same worries, have you read them? They might help you.
No it’s fine honestly but I know it’s not just a case of waiting for me to come out and it is a hard thing to get your head around I don’t understand it half the time I have looked at others things. Not that you meant to but it’s just when someone says it just a case of you love who love that sends me into overflow panic but don’t worry.
 
Tawny

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No it’s fine honestly but I know it’s not just a case of waiting for me to come out and it is a hard thing to get your head around I don’t understand it half the time I have looked at others things. Not that you meant to but it’s just when someone says it just a case of you love who love that sends me into overflow panic but don’t worry.
I don't think it means you are gay, or going to be gay, i think it is anxiety. There may be another root to your anxiety and it is manifesting in this way. OCD has anxiety at it's root if i can remember rightly.
 
L

Lolly1234

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I don't think it means you are gay, or going to be gay, i think it is anxiety. There may be another root to your anxiety and it is manifesting in this way. OCD has anxiety at it's root if i can remember rightly.
Yeah ocd does that I have this anxiety on and off for about three years now but since lockdown it’s been going on for the whole year.
 
Tawny

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I think OCD is an anxiety disorder. So maybe something has caused you to be amxious. I should learn more about OCD. I think the type of OCD is not the point, not important here, maybe.
 
I

itsmeagain

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Hello Lolly. Worrying about being gay is very common.
Fears around sexual preferences, orientation, being gay, are very common in people.
The distress you have is very OCD.
If you recall, OCD is like the mind trying to make you unhappy or unsettled.
Try to remember this is OCD trying to cause you anguish.
Doesn't mean you are gay.
And if you do like women, really is it so terrible?
Happy New year.
 
M

mere123

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Hey Lolly, i think I have it to and I don‘t want to be offensive or anything an i‘m most certainly not homophobic and I‘m sure someone can really be happy in a same sex relationship but for me the sentence „is it really that horrible“ gives me a reaction of „yes, it is. i have do change who i am and i have to change all my plans and life goals and i will not be happy for a long time and that‘s not me.“ I know you shouldn‘t be afraid of it, what that‘s what this kind of anxiety is all about. Do you see a psychologist Lolly? I think that would be best.
 
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