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Hocd or...?

R

Robert012habbo

New member
Joined
Nov 25, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Belgium
Hi i already walk around with this problem for 5 years.(maybe 10+ with pre-symptons). I always was scared of turn gay if i make friends with guys(school, work etc..)so i have avoid it and i think it even destroyed my college. I had some friends but don't get anxious because they were like brothers to me. I already know them and feel comfortabele. But i met a new guy and i don't want to go hang out with him because i constantly think about gay scenario's, falling in love seems the nr 1, because if you feel "lonely" every relation feel "special" and if i laying in bed(was 17 years)and you feel depressed or lonely you get images and toughts in your head about that person. The thing is, after 3 months chilling with him i suddenly realise i haven't had any toughts about being gay with him in this period, i was just chilling with him and it doesn't scare me anymore because i already had a connection with him and everything was fine and after all nothing was going on in the meantime, nothing strange happend. Now i go meet some other friends of him and i could sleep there(like hangout) but i tought if i sleep there i gonna be gay, so i gotta go home and this kind of things happend for 2 a 3 years. I hang out with friends i already have and everything is fine. Until i left home and i had the feeling i was nothing, i don't now myself, i always have done what was told me and i always was scared of becoming a bad person..when i was outside i feel like myself and when i was at home i feel like 4 years younger..so going outside and be myself become more difficult because i'm who i'm and if i feel 18 outside, i feel 18 at home..if i feel 14 at home, i feel 14 outside. So i always adapted myself at the home situation and i eventually see less people of my age because i was in a identity crisis(i always fear of being gay and to become someone i don't know yet). I was the youngest at home and i was always treated like a little boy, i always feel uncomfortable but i go with the flow because i want to be part of the group and feel lonely, sometimes i feel anger and hate but i always did the "right" thing and adapt myself because i was scared of being a bad person...a funny thing to say-->i really like a girl and one day she came from sports and bicycles along my home in short pants and her legs where amazing, i was stunned and look at her and she looks me in the eye and smiled. There was that connection, it just feel right. I turn around and walk inside my house and suddenly the whole feeling seem to fade away..i don't know how to explain but outside i feel like a man and at home i feel like the little boy and that can't be combined...so i always have this confusions about myself and it seems i can't get a grip on it, thinking about it make it only worse and so this happend the next years..i always liked Girls as far as i know. If a girl at school want to touch me i get a boner, the idee of her gonna touch me already give me a boner. I always frolic with boys but never get aroused or anything. So i had some girlfriends and experiences, it al seems great until i met a girl who was so nervous that the sex was uncomfortable, that's where it al started and i got the feeling i wasn't made for Girls. If i watching tv i check males if i like them and constant fear of liking my friend.

So i met a new friend and we go hanging out. Everytime whe see Girls he laugh at me and sometimes slap my ass. A few weeks later when we where on a scooter(i was driving)he came in my seat erea and even give me like a "gentle" bump in my ass. The first thing what came up in me whas that i want to punch him as hard as i can, but if you go 40mph on a scooter it is not the best thing to do. So i kind of accept it and this is where my low self esteem came in..i already accept it and i was slam shut. The toughts go on and this is where it all begins. I tought i was feeling something for him and i contant feels his present..don't know if it was anxiety or desire so i constantly freaked out and when i go home i looked him in the eye and i get that eye connection..i walked away and 100m later i freaked out and it hit like a bomb...i get feelings in my ass so bad "that i can't even walk", it's like there is something going in to it...i got panic and almost start to cry but it only make it worse...from this moment it gonna be bad and the fear of being gay was real...

I'm stuck with this for 5 years now, i can't look men in the eye, despite age, family or whatever and i don't see people anymore. At this moment i'm so hopeless and alone i'm willing to try something with a friend but i don't know if it's the the best option...since a week i'm constantly checking hocd sites and yesterday it got so bad that i relapsed with porn and after that i got searching for hocd and came across a men who write down his first gay experience. I read for a minute and after that i got aroused and relapse again( on hetero porn )...now i feel terrible, i don't know if it's guilt or realising i'm gay. I met a girl 2 months ago wich is in my head the hole time, wich make me laugh and feel again, give me hope. I have a constant desire for her, sexually but mostly love, i want to talk to her, it doesn't matter about what..but since last night it feels like it's gone and i feel horrible and i don't know what it is...

About my social anxiety--> a while ago some "friend" was sitting with me on a scooter and was drunk, he lean on me and i feel anxious because it feels a bit weird, BUT i was scared to say something because maybe i'm wrong and so on...because this happend before and i have bad memories about it(see beginning of story) i said to him to fuck of because i feel strange about it and his answer was "what do you think, that i'm gay" but i was happy i said it because the aqward situation was over...

So now my question--> is this HOCD or are there people who have "social" or "low self esteem" OCD and are totally confused...i must say since looking for HOCD i feel really bad and guilty..AND do i have to try stuff now, is it gonna help? I only feel misserable since yesterday...don't know what to do!!

One thing i'm scared of is that if something happen and he make me feel bad, i will do what he wan't in the future to make my anxiety go away...it's like if i'm really scared of being a bad person or do something wrong, i actually feel strange and a bad person, i have to do something good until it is so obvious that people like me that is goes away..
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,391
Location
England
If you keep clear physical and mental boundaries between yourself and others, male or female, then you can give your mind the time it needs to figure out if you want a relationship with a person, regardless of their gender.

Many people date someone, so nothing happens sexually, apart from friendship, going places together, for months. Some people only hang out, and a relationship never comes.

Start with friends. Put relationships out of the way for now.
 
R

Robert012habbo

New member
Joined
Nov 25, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Belgium
If you keep clear physical and mental boundaries between yourself and others, male or female, then you can give your mind the time it needs to figure out if you want a relationship with a person, regardless of their gender.

Many people date someone, so nothing happens sexually, apart from friendship, going places together, for months. Some people only hang out, and a relationship never comes.

Start with friends. Put relationships out of the way for now.
I will try, but thats the problem, i don't see people because i think i fall in love with them. The funny thing is i have a friend who i think i'm in love with or something in this way. I can't look him in the eyes etc. But if i use XTC i feel less stress and want to be with somebody, but i have talked with this friend while on XTC and i talk with him that he is the best but i don't feel anything like romance or something. So i walked outside on the street and i see a girl and i only said a few things to her and i almost got to her home...

So this made me thinking, bacause XTC works on serotonine...is my depression gone and so feel myself again or did it cure my OCD at that moment, because i have toughts about everything(gay etc) but i don't get anxious, so i can look man in the eyes and they are my best friend at that moment...but if i met them a week later without xtc i go in full panic mode, with things like if they call me mate or buddy i creep out...
 
M

Max1308

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Germany
I have this struggle for 3 months and i Never think about That i can be bi or Gay or something like that i know that all the performances only in my head and i think you have this Too. It get more worse Every Day and i dont no why keep up your Head Bro this is hocd and tell your problems to a friend or your Parents idk
 
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