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HOCD or normal?

I

ICantThinkOfAName

New member
Joined
Aug 20, 2017
Messages
1
Hi,

I have in the past been diagnosed with Pure-O by a therapist and have clear signs of many different types of OCD that revolve around sexual themes like incest OCD, homosexual OCD and so on the list is literally endless and exhausting. I should probably also state that I'm a 20 year old guy.

Anyway, I have been mostly fine thanks to people in this community helping me get over a lot of my HOCD and anxieties in the past but recently my HOCD has struck back very hard and living life right now is very stressful. My OCD was scanning my past to find something to latch onto and finally it did. I remember when I was around 13 to 16 (I can't quite remember the age exactly) and I was just thinking to myself out of curiosity "what does anal sex feel like, I mean gay guys do it and enjoy it so why not try it to see what the fuss is about" so I anally masturbated and didn't really enjoy it and didn't really think anything of it after other than "that didn't feel as pleasurable as they make it sound". Now let's clarify that in my whole life I've never once had a crush or a fling with any men nor do I want one. I also understand that you can find guys attractive without wanting to fuck them or whatever (it's just how humans classify things I guess). All my life I've been straight and even after this event I still had female crushes and even got with a girl for a year and a half (she's my ex now we broke up).

What I'm worried about is can I be gay for having this gay thought and then acting on it and thinking that my finger represented a penis, or could it have been fleeting curiosity for a young child through puberty?

Whenever I get the thought of being gay my stomach sinks, my chest tightens up and if it's so bad like right now I genuinely feel like crying and I hardly cry. Seriously I know this is gonna sound homophobic and I'm really not but I would rather be dead than let these thoughts in my mind be true I am so full of fear right now but I'm scared that I'm in denial and so on.

So please can someone help me? Am I gay or is this curiousity and am I normal?

Thanks guys
 
A

anxietyguy

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2017
Messages
11
You are straight. Its HOCD.
You clearly have some negative feelings thoughts about it.
You had a girlfriend. If you were attracted by females most your life you are straight.

My advice though is dont experiment, and try to reduce or eliminate reassurance seeking (I know its tough).
Dont worry about homophobia at all. Your case if clearly different and falls under ocd.
 
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