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HOCD OR GAY??

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Endexo

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Hello community, at first sorry for my bad english. Anyway, I hope you understand my problems.
I'm 23 and Male and I've got ab big problem.
I'm afraid of being gay. It feels like OCD because I really think about it 24/7 and I'm just scared all the time. When I was 16 I had exactly the same thoughts. It started with a classmate "outing" himself at the time, which later turned out to be fun. Before, I never thought about being gay. But that evening it was like something that burned into my brain and I was terrified of it. I visited therapists who told me that I could be gay and that it wasn't bad, but THAT was THAT I didn't want to hear. Back then I checked whether I found my friends or other boys attractive. It was never really my case to be gay no matter how hard I tried and so it was never mine. One day I startet to ask myself, what I really want. I asked myself the questions that were in my head because I really couldn't anymore. And in the end it was clear that I am not gay.
I was calm for 5 years, maybe here and there a few questions to which I found answers quickly. After being burdened with it for almost 2 years. And now it came back 6 weeks ago ...
I and my girlfriend watched a series in which a transsexual plays. I don't know why but suddenly my thoughts came back. It's not that I found him sexually arousing. But something about the situation brought me back into my thoughts. Now I'm thinking all the time about whether I could be gay or not. I felt like I read all the forums. I also read about ERP and started "treating myself". I have had some success. But now I have reached the point where I am no longer sure of anything.
I don't know if it's fear or anything, but when I see a woman where I am 100% sure that I have been aroused earlier, I feel fear and I don't feel attracted.
Even if I now see male bodies that are very trained. I honestly have to say it's not that I don't feel anything, but I'm not sure about the feelings I have are the same gay persons have or whether it's just the feeling of "hey, looks good. I want to be like him. "
In "clear moments" I know 100% that I'm not gay. But nevertheless from one moment to the next this "clarity" can disappear again and self-doubts arise again.
I admit I was never particularly enthusiastic about the LGBT community, but I learned from this ERP that it is not a bad thing. I don't want to annoy anyone or anything with my statement but for me it would just be horror to be gay. I want to get my attraction back to women and be sure that I don't find men as attractive as I did with women. I want to get my attraction back to women and be sure that I don't find men as attractive as I did with women.
 
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khuang

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I’m not trying to be rude here but I don’t quite understand why you are so terrified of being gay. Is it because you are afraid of what people say and treat you? Or is it something else. Im asking this because love and sexuality isn’t as black and white as people like it to be. You should be able to love whomever feels right for you. It shouldn’t matter what gender the person is if you love them and they love you. Your happiness is all that should matter when it comes to being in love. Honestly people judge others all the time for little insignificant details that sexuality shouldn’t really matter to anyone else.
 
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Endexo

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I really don't know why I'm so scared about it there are many pieces. I just don't want to be gay. Of course a little part of me is scared of that what other people will say but it isn't the main part. Just deep inside I don't want to be gay. There are so many questions in my head and every day and New ones added every day.
 
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khuang

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Sometimes people who are either gay or bisexual have internal homophobia about themselves. Your therapists are right. You shouldn’t be so afraid of your sexuality. It is only bad if you think it is a bad thing. Who cares what people think if you date a guy? It’s your life and the ones that have a problem with it don’t have any right to tell you what feels natural for you. Homosexuality wasn’t even considered a sin in religion until about the 1700s. Even Islam tolerated gays and had tons of stuff that spread positive messages of same sex love. You can try to repress your sexuality but it will never end well and you’ll just be miserable in the process. If you aren’t hurting anyone then who cares who you love?
 
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Purpleplum

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Why not just let your body figure itself out on its own instead of trying to analyze it? You shouldn't have to think about what your sexuality is. It just is and it will follow what it it wants to follow on its own.
 
Mikrokosmos

Mikrokosmos

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I just don't want to be gay.
It seems to me, that I understand what you mean. It seems to me that your therapists don't really understand what is experience of OCD. For me it is clear, that in OCD human may have thoughts or experiences whose in fact haven't any sense. It seems to me, that it may be destructive for you If you'll believe them totally. You is you and only you have real understanding of yourself.

In my opinion your thoughts came back because of this movie what you watched with your girlfriend. Let's try to ignore that thoughts and I think they will go out.

In my opinion thet case isn't as 'easy' as much people would understand that.
Because if I have intrusive thoughts about kill someone, I should e a killer? really?

If you want ot talk more about strange OCD experiences let's write to me priv.

cheers
 
Mikrokosmos

Mikrokosmos

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Why not just let your body figure itself out on its own instead of trying to analyze it?
Yep. This is a mistake to see on the things in that way: "I am gay or not", "I have mental disorder or not", "I am good or not". We are not computers. There is Gaussian curve.
 
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Zoe1

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hocd is like a phobia though
if someone is scared of spiders
we would not just say

" well dont be scared of spiders
we are all on a spectrum of spider fearers ! "

:grouphug:🎼🐢
 
Mikrokosmos

Mikrokosmos

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we would not just say
But we also shouldn't say: "Ok, it is your nature, you forever will be scared of spiders. Let's pay a lot of money for doctors, take a big number of medications and never go to the attic." :D
 
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Zoe1

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I think people do pay alot of money for doctors
if they have a fear of spiders
usually it involves going back into the past
to find out where the phobia comes from

I can cope nowadays with spiders up to 2 cm
and daddy long legs
which used to terrify me now dont
even though daddy long legs do actually bite !

I got that phobia from my Mums friend
who used to scream the place down
if she saw a long legs !

🎼 🐢
 
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khuang

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I think that the therapists were asking if being gay would be so bad to get some context as to where this fear is coming from. From there things can be worked out in a way to lessen the fear. If it’s from internalized homophobia then you can work on discovering why it bothers you. If it’s because of what people will think then learning mindfulness skills could help and show that you can’t always control what people will think or say but you can control what you do and it doesn’t matter what people think as long as you’re being true to yourself and not in a loveless relationship with someone and making the two of you miserable because it was never meant to be.
 
Mikrokosmos

Mikrokosmos

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My experience with OCD is a bit different. Believe or not but I was get rid most of my symptoms without doctors and medications when I realised, that the best way to get rid these symptoms is to ignore them. This is also experience of my friend who has schizophrenia and... John nash.

I'd be really careful to try 'working on the problem', because there are cases that those practices makes worse symptoms of some people. everyone has different personality, and this what helps for one man, can destroy second.
 
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Purpleplum

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I just don't want to be gay.
You don't get to pick. It's chosen for us.

I believe that because you're questioning whether you are gay, that you really are...or at least you are bi. No straight person questions whether or not they're gay. They just know they're not.
 
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Endexo

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But the fact is that before and even after I defeated the thoughts for the first time, there was never any sign of homosexuality (never in love with a man / never wanted sex with a man). It is these compulsive thoughts that make me despair. Inside, I know I'm not gay, but these thoughts make everything that you've lived for doubt. Since I don't know how a really gay person experienced his inner coming out, I'm afraid that the way I experience it is a sign of mine. But when I look at it realistically again, there can be no signs. And then I think about it and never come to a conclusion.
 
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Endexo

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And I was so concerned with this theme that I know that gays (even those who have internalized homophobia) consciously perceive being gay. But that's it. Do I currently realize it or not? I dont know. However, I know that I consciously realized that I like women. I would never have had a relationship with my girlfriend otherwise, because I am a person, I blame myself quickly and I think if I knew that I was gay I could not have a relationship with a woman
 
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