So, I've been having hocd starting from somewhere around May 20th of this year. I would get some periods of relief of knowing that I'm straight, but then I would either remeber something in the past, or just get the fear that it will change later. Ever since I was little I've had an OBSESSION with heterosexual couples on tv. I even remeber also reading books or reading fanfiction about my most favorite heterosexual couples. I have an envy/jealously problem about other girls that I'm not really proud of. I would be jealous of their bodies, hair, facial features, and wish to have them so bad. I remeber i would Google pictures of women that I admired and just WISHED I looked like them. I would examine my facial features and compare it to theirs and feel more confident or more insecure. I remeber thinking, "if I woke up and just look like that I wouldn't have any problems and feel happier." Of course over time I grew more confident while making some fashion adjustments or do something to my hair or lost/gained more weight. I know it may be kinda weird to say this, but in stories like books, I would make myself look like the female character I wanted to be and put myself in their shoes. And I would fantasies about the perfect guy, and have these major crush on these guys from books, shows. I remeber having this friend, who was a girl, and I literally wanted to be besties with her and do stuff best friends do, and I would get jealous that she had another best friend cause I wanted to be her number 1 best friend. And it turned out that she was toxic which caused me to lose all my other friends, have a drop in my confidence, and feeling really depressed in school until quarantine. I am, I think the word is, 'stingy' about friends, because in elementary school I had issues with friends and was depressed because of it. Is it normal to feel that sad and betrayed by a best friend? And I would do alot of stuff ,or favors, for her because I just really wanted to be a good friend that she can rely on. I don't see her in a romantic/sexual way, it literally makes me cringe to even think about her that way. I have had ocd obsessions in the past, it wasn't about my sexuality though. And I have another question. So I LOVE this one heterosexual couple and they are so comforting to me and I would often put myself in the girls shoes. I remeber reading on this fanfiction website, and I remeber one of the stories that came across my way was an AU of the guy being a girl, so it was still them Ig but they were both girls instead of it being 1 girl and 1 guy. I mean I did like it, I did think it was kinda weird to imagine the guy as a girl but I went along with the story. And I do remeber imagining how they would have sex though I MUCH preferred it being heterosexual. I don't really connect with it though, I just remeber feeling a disconnect to it. A few times that chapter did pop in my mind through the years.(I read this 3-4 years ago) because I'm still obsessed with the relationship. I remeber feeling a little comfort, but feeling much more comfort to the it being heterosexual. I don't know if this means I'm gay and that terrifies me. If i ACTUALLY put myself IN the situation then I feel really uncomfortable and Im having these intrusive thoughts about women that make me really anxious and disgusted. I DON'T feel comfortable having sex or kissing or dating women but I'm REALLY afraid of that changing. And I keep reminding last experiences or memories in my childhood and analysing if that's a sign. But when I fully get the comfort that I'm straight I feel So happy, until my ocd comes back again. Pls help.