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Hocd or denial? :(

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eic8sujdnekpz8sn

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So, I've been having hocd starting from somewhere around May 20th of this year. I would get some periods of relief of knowing that I'm straight, but then I would either remeber something in the past, or just get the fear that it will change later. Ever since I was little I've had an OBSESSION with heterosexual couples on tv. I even remeber also reading books or reading fanfiction about my most favorite heterosexual couples. I have an envy/jealously problem about other girls that I'm not really proud of. I would be jealous of their bodies, hair, facial features, and wish to have them so bad. I remeber i would Google pictures of women that I admired and just WISHED I looked like them. I would examine my facial features and compare it to theirs and feel more confident or more insecure. I remeber thinking, "if I woke up and just look like that I wouldn't have any problems and feel happier." Of course over time I grew more confident while making some fashion adjustments or do something to my hair or lost/gained more weight. I know it may be kinda weird to say this, but in stories like books, I would make myself look like the female character I wanted to be and put myself in their shoes. And I would fantasies about the perfect guy, and have these major crush on these guys from books, shows. I remeber having this friend, who was a girl, and I literally wanted to be besties with her and do stuff best friends do, and I would get jealous that she had another best friend cause I wanted to be her number 1 best friend. And it turned out that she was toxic which caused me to lose all my other friends, have a drop in my confidence, and feeling really depressed in school until quarantine. I am, I think the word is, 'stingy' about friends, because in elementary school I had issues with friends and was depressed because of it. Is it normal to feel that sad and betrayed by a best friend? And I would do alot of stuff ,or favors, for her because I just really wanted to be a good friend that she can rely on. I don't see her in a romantic/sexual way, it literally makes me cringe to even think about her that way. I have had ocd obsessions in the past, it wasn't about my sexuality though. And I have another question. So I LOVE this one heterosexual couple and they are so comforting to me and I would often put myself in the girls shoes. I remeber reading on this fanfiction website, and I remeber one of the stories that came across my way was an AU of the guy being a girl, so it was still them Ig but they were both girls instead of it being 1 girl and 1 guy. I mean I did like it, I did think it was kinda weird to imagine the guy as a girl but I went along with the story. And I do remeber imagining how they would have sex though I MUCH preferred it being heterosexual. I don't really connect with it though, I just remeber feeling a disconnect to it. A few times that chapter did pop in my mind through the years.(I read this 3-4 years ago) because I'm still obsessed with the relationship. I remeber feeling a little comfort, but feeling much more comfort to the it being heterosexual. I don't know if this means I'm gay and that terrifies me. If i ACTUALLY put myself IN the situation then I feel really uncomfortable and Im having these intrusive thoughts about women that make me really anxious and disgusted. I DON'T feel comfortable having sex or kissing or dating women but I'm REALLY afraid of that changing. And I keep reminding last experiences or memories in my childhood and analysing if that's a sign. But when I fully get the comfort that I'm straight I feel So happy, until my ocd comes back again. Pls help.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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First of all, I don't think it's weird that you would make yourself look like these characters, and I don't think it sounds like denial...of course only really you can know the answer but I was in deep denial about being trans. It is a bit different but just from my perspective and reading this...

I DON'T feel comfortable having sex or kissing or dating women but I'm REALLY afraid of that changing.
The first part of this has the potential to totally answer your question.. I know it's not easy to stop thinking about it, but this isn't something that can just change without warning. It can sometimes be discovered in coming out of denial but I feel like that would require the person to have an interest in it in the first place, deep down...which you don't seem to have an interest in women in that way.

In a weird way I can relate to this a bit, I find women attractive but I don't want to do anything sexually or romantically with them..I think honestly we have learned to put too much value on these labels, it ultimately doesn't matter anyway unless you want it to, that's how I see it...I don't have OCD though so I can't fully understand the toll this is taking on you...and I am not telling you to just simply stop worrying about it, because I know it doesn't work that way...but I thought maybe hopefully I can help, somehow...if you don't want to be with a woman, that's a pretty definitive answer
 
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eic8sujdnekpz8sn

Guest
First of all, I don't think it's weird that you would make yourself look like these characters, and I don't think it sounds like denial...of course only really you can know the answer but I was in deep denial about being trans. It is a bit different but just from my perspective and reading this...


The first part of this has the potential to totally answer your question.. I know it's not easy to stop thinking about it, but this isn't something that can just change without warning. It can sometimes be discovered in coming out of denial but I feel like that would require the person to have an interest in it in the first place, deep down...which you don't seem to have an interest in women in that way.

In a weird way I can relate to this a bit, I find women attractive but I don't want to do anything sexually or romantically with them..I think honestly we have learned to put too much value on these labels, it ultimately doesn't matter anyway unless you want it to, that's how I see it...I don't have OCD though so I can't fully understand the toll this is taking on you...and I am not telling you to just simply stop worrying about it, because I know it doesn't work that way...but I thought maybe hopefully I can help, somehow...if you don't want to be with a woman, that's a pretty definitive answer
Lmaooo thanks for replying tho, yeah Ik I want to stop worrying about it but that's not how ocd works 😂(though i WISH😂😂), I just have this fear about somebody finding a women who will "change my mind" even though I'm not into that. Have a nice life tho!
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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Did I come across as rude or dismissive? I really hope not and I really didn't mean to if I did...I know that's not how OCD works..I just meant to say it doesn't sound like denial to me
 
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Elisante

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It's certainly not denial. You sound 100% straight (y) .
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Lmaooo thanks for replying tho, yeah Ik I want to stop worrying about it but that's not how ocd works 😂(though i WISH😂😂), I just have this fear about somebody finding a women who will "change my mind" even though I'm not into that. Have a nice life tho!
Flowerbox clearly put a lot of time, thought, energy and kindness into responding to your posting. You posted here because you wanted people to respond to what you have written, right? Then why give such a rude response???
 
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eic8sujdnekpz8sn

Guest
Flowerbox clearly put a lot of time, thought, energy and kindness into responding to your posting. You posted here because you wanted people to respond to what you have written, right? Then why give such a rude response???
I'm honestly sorry if this came off to RUDE to u or Flowerbox. I never tried to be rude! I'm honestly am sorry. I may have delivered my message wrong. I am truly sorry if my response came as rude.
 
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eic8sujdnekpz8sn

Guest
I'm honestly sorry if this came off to RUDE to u or Flowerbox
[/QUOTE]
I'm also sorry for capitalizing the "RUDE" part that was not meant to be capitalized it just autocorrected. Sorry again. 🤗
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

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No worries I was just worried that I came across as dismissive 😯
 
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