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HOCD or denial??

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ifdell

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2020
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Canada
Hi everyone!
This may be a little tmi, but please bare with me, I am incredibly stressed and really need help.
So I am 21, female, and have been dealing with OCD most of my life (since I was 9). I haven't dealt with intrusive thoughts since the last 4 years so I am completely breaking down right now.

Anyways, two nights ago, I was scrolling through snapchat and I saw a picture of an ig model and I thought she was attractive. Like it was kind of like I started looking at her through a guy's eyes? I knew she was attractive and then I started thinking of what my boyfriend says to me like about my body but about her and got aroused. I've NEVER had a crush on a girl EVER, I can notice a sexually appealing or attractive girl, but I know that's completely normal. I've ALWAYS liked guys.

Anyways, that arousal freaked me out, I couldn't tell if it was because of me thinking about what my boyfriend would say and thinking about what arouses him that got me aroused then, or if it was because I was aroused on my own, but it freaked me out completely. I ended up searching up if I'm bi or les or something and asking my friends if I really am straight or not, even though I've been straight my entire life and never had crushes on a girl.

And then, one of my friends said I know I'm not bi or les because I cant see myself being in a relationship with a girl or whatever. And then I started doubting that and thinking about how I'd feel about being in a relationship with a girl. Now I keep picturing myself being in a relationship with a girl and it almost feels like I'd be okay with it if I could get over my fear, and then that makes me anxious again because I don't want to be bi. It's a mix of being okay sexually and romantically now and I don't want that. I want it to stop. I've never been attracted to girls like this in my life and all of a sudden I've spiraled into what it is now.

Sometimes I'm okay with being with a girl sometimes I'm not. I just really want this to stop. I dont want to be bi or biromantic, I just want to be the normal me. But all of this makes me wonder if it's HOCD or denial. I really,really with all my heart, hope that this is HOCD. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through something similar? I don't have anything against people who are lgbtq+ but I dont want that for MYSELF.
 
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Luciouslife

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Apr 6, 2020
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uk
Hi I’m going through something like this right now I don’t know why I doubt my sexuality when I could never like a girl and before these thought I was boy crazy not a lesbian and also lesbians I’m pretty sure like the idea of being with women all the time not sometimes be okay with it see when I started therapy and I got told to say I’m a lesbian I would get a panic attack I KNOW I’m not because I feel different toward boys then girls I find them attractive but not in the same way you know I hope this helped :)
 
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ifdell

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Hi I’m going through something like this right now I don’t know why I doubt my sexuality when I could never like a girl and before these thought I was boy crazy not a lesbian and also lesbians I’m pretty sure like the idea of being with women all the time not sometimes be okay with it see when I started therapy and I got told to say I’m a lesbian I would get a panic attack I KNOW I’m not because I feel different toward boys then girls I find them attractive but not in the same way you know I hope this helped :)
Omg I can relate. Tbh I can’t even tell what I feel anymore. Saying “I’m bi” doesn’t scare me, like I feel calm saying it, but I don’t want to be bi so I’m so confused. Like I feel like my brain and my body like the thoughts. I can smile about them, but then I hate that I smiled. It feels like if I didn’t hold back, I’d be bi and I’d be good, but I don’t want that. So I can’t tell if it’s HOCD or not anymore :(
 
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ifdell

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Apr 5, 2020
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Canada
Omg I can relate. Tbh I can’t even tell what I feel anymore. Saying “I’m bi” doesn’t scare me, like I feel calm saying it, but I don’t want to be bi so I’m so confused. Like I feel like my brain and my body like the thoughts. I can smile about them, but then I hate that I smiled. It feels like if I didn’t hold back, I’d be bi and I’d be good, but I don’t want that. So I can’t tell if it’s HOCD or not anymore :(
like I want it to be HOCD so bad. I never felt like this before anyways. So it’s like oh shit what if I’m just discovering this now?? But then if you look back to my post, it progressed to this point, wasn’t like this at first.ughhh I’m gonna cry if I am bi. Nothing against people who are, I just want to like boys.Or maybe I start believing and feeling that I like girls cause of this?
 
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Luciouslife

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Apr 6, 2020
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Omg I can relate. Tbh I can’t even tell what I feel anymore. Saying “I’m bi” doesn’t scare me, like I feel calm saying it, but I don’t want to be bi so I’m so confused. Like I feel like my brain and my body like the thoughts. I can smile about them, but then I hate that I smiled. It feels like if I didn’t hold back, I’d be bi and I’d be good, but I don’t want that. So I can’t tell if it’s HOCD or not anymore :(
It is because you can just turn bi after a thought just because you don’t get anxiety anymore it dosen’t mean you are because I thought I was bi then the next day turned back to straight because it’s not who I was and will be and I think you are as straight as an arrow and I don’t think you sexuality has changed I think it’s the hocd making you doubt it and trick you also if I was you stop looking at reassurance because it just makes it worse stop thinking about you with a girl because it doesn’t help at all it will just stress you out even more when you ‘smile’ about being with a girl after I got hocd I was scared because I would lose my future husband/boyfriend etc and if you still know that’s not you being bi then your NOT I’m sorry for the reply being kinda repetitive but trust me hocd makes you doubt everything anyone could say about your sexuality and also tell your mum or someone so you could get therapy because it’s the only thing that would make you stop doubting it :)
 
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Luciouslife

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Also I don’t think you are bi because that pic of that girl triggered your hocd for me I got triggered when my friend made a joke about me liking girls because I don’t like boys who are blonde because she’s into blondes and I honestly hate her for that I hate how she made a joke which started my hocd and anxiety which happened to you with that model listen to me you can find girls attractive but you don’t want to be with them and I don’t even say I wish I could look like them because the hocd says no you want to be with them also stay off social media it made even worse for me aswell I saw a pretty girl on tik tok and I already freaked if I like her or not but I know that your not bi idk about myself tho but anyway :)
 
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lazarus1435

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Apr 12, 2020
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Location
canada
Hi everyone

I can totaly relate to you ifdell,the anxiety, the arousal, everything except that i'm a man. I know that reassurance it's not good for us but i'm telling you anyway, you're not in denial. It's just another symptom of hocd although it might feel real it's not( been there, done that). It's like arousal it's just a normal symptom among hocd suffurers. You know what the real problem is, when we have an intrusive thought (obsession) about the possibility of being gay or bi, our ocd brain is trying to make sense of it. Example, "why am i having this thought", it problably mean something or else it wouldn't be there in the first place, nope WRONG. A person without ocd would just think; "Eh, that was weird" an just go on with their life. And if you think that normal people don't have gay intrusive thoughts too then you'ld be wrong again.I know because I ask close friends and family about gay intusive thoughts and they had them too, sparingly over the years, it's normal. The problem is not the tought in itself, it's what you do with it after it pop into your head.There's lie our problem. You may ask, but why this theme make me freak out so much, why is it so hard to get rid off. Because like me, you're most certainly straight and because you love so much boys like I love women, it's just a really big part of our core nature. For others with ocd, because they love children so much, they might develop pedophilia themed ocd or harm ocd cause it's a big part of who they are. They are not real pedo or real violent people, they just fear the unlikely possibilty that they might be what they fear. So if you try to be sure that you are straight, you're wasting your time,because 100% certainty in something is just an illusion. You know, basically hocd has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It's an anxiety disorder with an intolerance to uncertainty. So please, for your own good, don't do like I did. Don't wait 10 years in suffering, before getting help from a therapist because I tought I could beat it on my own. So I strongly suggest to find a therapist whom specialize in ocd with an cognitive behavioural approach and an exposure and response prevention (ERP) technic ( the gold standard in treating ocd).

. So again get help because it won't vanish on his own and trust me, the longer you wait, the worse it gonna get.

So I hope I helped you a little and don't worry, if you get therapist help you will get through this and remember you are not alone. Take care and stay strong!
 
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lazarus1435

Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
5
Location
canada
And since you have an ocd history it could be the start of a new obsession. So you could wait a couple of days and see how it goes. But if days turn into weeks and months of anxiety I'm telling you ,get help.
 
ZaraHOCD

ZaraHOCD

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Jan 13, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Pennsylvania, Philadelphia.
Hello, I hope you are feeling better now.

I’m a nineteen-year-old female suffering from HOCD/SO-OCD. When this initiated, I ran savage with the idealization that I could be lesbian. Sometimes, in my worse moments, I‘d rest down in my bed and start crying. Like, how could I be a lesbian if I’ve never had a single fantasy about women? How? All these doubts just made me drown into tears.
After those three months of HOCD, I became certain of my attraction to males, resulting in the birth of my SO-OCD. I believe it was a relief to at least be secure of something, am I right?

Well, after nine months of continuous doubts and uncertainty, I began practicing this compulsion (I believe it is called that way) where I morphed every male in my fantasies into female. I once had this fantasy where I was a singer at a prestigious club and a poor guy my age fell in love with me, and so did I (I was thirteen). The thought of a girl in it felt taboo, but not like something I’d want.


As a child, I always had a low self-esteem. I’m Hispanic, and having living in a country that pictures the perfect woman as blonde, white, and pretty, I compared my tan skin and dark hair to them. I’ve always checked out guys, but when I turned fourteen, I started noticing how much I noticed each gender.


Sometimes, in commercials or TV shows, I tend to notice the female first, that being during my HOCD time lapse. The main issue as of this moment is precisely what I’m stating. My SO-OCD is making me believe my comparison to other women was just attraction.

When I was in the airport on my way to Kansas nine years ago, I noticed a red-haired teenager. I thought she looked really cool and pretty, like the perfect girl. My first thought wasn’t that I wanted to be with her, it was kind of that I wanted to be her. It’s complex, though. I kind of looked upon her, as if she were superior because of her beauty, basically wanting to be her, right?

I’ve always had crushes on guys, and I, to this day, still am boy-crazy, so I‘m certain that I am not lesbian, while the issue with bisexuality still prevails. I’m currently going to college, but I’ve had a hard time trying to concentrate on simple tasks I’d do with facility before the bloom of my HOCD/SO-OCD. I love school and men, but, frankly, I’m getting exhausted of fighting with my mind.

Another thing I am certain of is my sexual orientation. I am certain I only feel sexually inclined to men, and not women. My romantic orientation, though, is in debate.

I know, though, I’ll never have a natural (basically, not a compulsion) fantasy about girls, nor will I become enamored with another woman. I just cannot seem to picture myself in a relationship with a woman.

Since a very young age, I’ve always been eager for the day when a man would touch me. When it did happen, it was heaven. I’ve NEVER, by any circumstances, saw a girl and thought, “OOH, she’s so hot. I wish she’d be my girlfriend!”

Frankly, sometimes I just want to stop. Stop all these compulsions; stop all this anxiety. I‘d appreciate it by much if any of you would reply, as I am desperate.

Thank you for ready. Keep safe.
 
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