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HOCD or am I in denial?? also TOCD?? (very long, but I'd really really appreciate if someone could read) Please help me!!

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ftren05

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Nov 1, 2020
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4
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I’m an 18 year old girl, and since quarantine started, I don’t go a single day without thinking about my sexuality. For the past couple years, but especially when quarantine started, my brain has said a few times: “No.. being straight is too normal. You’re meant to be different, so you’re gay." Deep down I know I am straight and have never felt attracted to girls, but then I worry that the reason that I'm having these thoughts is because I'm not straight. It makes no sense.

I was a bit of a late bloomer and was still playing with toys until I was in 8th grade. I didn’t get my first crush until I was 12, but I think I had a sense that I liked boys in 5th grade, yet I didn’t know what a crush was until I experienced one myself. I was definitely right in the middle of puberty, too, so it makes sense. Since then, I have crushed on several guys, enjoyed it, and never doubted my sexuality. I want a relationship with a guy, and I want to be intimate with a guy… I never have wished to do anything with a girl and I have never crushed on girls. I like guys in a different way, yet HOCD is killing me and trying to convince me that I could be gay. I’m not homophobic (a few of my friends are gay, bi, pan, trans), but I don’t want to be gay myself, partly because I know it’s not me… Sure, I have found girls pretty (but I’m not attracted to them, more like envious), and sometimes I have been like… Oh, well, worst case i’m bisexual... (nothing wrong with being bi or gay btw) and just let that thought go. I can kind of tell which girls guys think are "hot", but I personally can't really tell if they are hot or not because I'm not attracted to them. The fact that I can't imagine what it's like being a lesbian or bi should be a sign that I'm not, yet I still can't stop obsessing...

I feel like I’m not 100% straight or else I wouldn’t be questioning this, but before all this happened, I never questioned my sexuality and naturally liked guys!! I never felt that same attraction to a pretty girl or my best friend as I even felt to an average looking guy… Yet, it’s gotten to the point where I rate each girl’s attractiveness and try to see them as if I were a guy.. During movies I’m asking myself if I’m attracted to every single actor or actress to the point where I don’t even know which gender I like and have to think about it, which freaks me out, but I know it’s OCD, because I never used to do this. In the past I could always find a boy cute and NOT be like: Ok, good, this is another sign you’re straight.. But more like: I hope he’s in the rest of the movie!

What also sucks is that now I’m overthinking my past as well. They say that you know you’re gay from a young age, but I didn’t start getting crushes on any gender until puberty… (11/12). When I got my first crush on a guy, I was NOT like… “yay! You’re straight!” In fact, I didn’t even know what was going on, just that I really wanted him to notice me, and I got so nervous, and I thought he was so hot. I miss those days… Anyways, i’m remembering being in second grade walking to school and seeing this girl who I thought looked exactly like my aunt when she was younger. Now I’m freaked out that I had a crush on her, but I don’t think I did… Like wth!

Now, I’m worried that I’m not genuinely attracted to guys (and worried I never have even crushed on guys...when I clearly have and do now) and that I’ve forced my current crushes, because I know I’d be so anxious if I didn’t have a crush right now. In the past when I didn’t have a crush I didn’t care - in some ways it was a blessing! I didn’t have to get jealous every time I saw him with another girl or have my heart race lol. Yet, I’m still worried that I could be in denial and just influenced by most ppl being heterosexual, but deep down I know I’m straight myself.

Ever since this started, I’ve also been interested with knowing if so and so is gay and if people have ever questioned their sexuality and becoming very interested in all this stuff regarding sexuality. Idk if anyone else can relate, but I often act like I assume people believe I’m gay, so I always feel like I have to ‘prove’ I’m straight (even tho i am), but then I have to forcefully tell myself just to be normal about it and chill out. I feel awkward even talking about other girls to people, because I worry my friend, for example, might think I like this other girl (which makes no sense, and this NEVER ever used to happen!!!). Then, this makes me feel like I’m in denial and I’m pretending, when I’m not, and makes me so depressed.. Gosh, I just want to be myself again.

Lastly, I’ve also gotten HOCD about being the possibility of being asexual, but I’ve never been a relationship or had my first kiss. I know I’ll wind up with relationship OCD (ROCD) if I don’t stop this soon.. I had a brief phase of OCD as a child, but I always have overthought everything and I have to plan everything out and know the answer to all my questions. I get stressed even when OTHERS are stressed…. If I tell my parents, I’m worried they’ll think I’m actually in denial about my sexuality, but I do think I could have HOCD?? I really hope sexuality doesn't change. Does it?

In addition to HOCD, I read a post about transgender OCD and now I’m worried I have that, too, and it’s even making my HOCD worse.... I was a tomboy, yet I would get uncomfortable when I felt too much like a guy. This next part is weird, but sometimes when I was like 4, I would force myself to wear ‘guy’ clothes or guys swim trunks just to make myself feel uncomfortable, which I ended up feeling. I remember daydreaming at an early age about this boy (who was “me” but then I was also his friend), and I don’t think I actually wanted to be him, but perhaps I was attracted to him even though I was very young, because I have a crush on him now (yes, he's fictional lol). This was all when I was under age 6, so I guess I was just curious and weird. When I was young, I used to be uncomfortable when I saw another guy shirtless because I would try to pretend that was me and feel uncomfortable, but now I'm always picturing my crush shirtless, so I guess I'm normal now. Other than that, I loved/love being a girl and have never thought twice about my gender identity until now.

I remember wanting boobs so badly in 5th grade, but then when I was 14/15 not wanting my boobs to grow anymore (which I think is because I wanted to still hold onto childhood. I don’t actually want to remove them!). What’s weird is I have always gotten a little bit uncomfortable when a person is transitioning, especially from female to male, and idk why. Like when a girl (who I’ve known as a girl for my whole life), transitions, gets top surgery, and is shirtless, I actually get this weird uncomfortable feeling that makes my hocd (or so I think) think I’m attracted to her when I’m definitely not at all. I'm 100% supportive, but it bothers me why I'm so uncomfortable. BUT, I find myself attracted to good looking female to male trans guys, especially guys that transitioned a while ago (before teen years).

But then, I had a very different random thought: Maybe I’m not attracted to female-to-male trans guys, but want to BE one? And also: What if I actually want to be a guy and I'm confusing those feelings of attraction with wanting to become a guy? That scared me. I love most things about being a girl and feel comfortable in my skin. I love walking confidently in front of guys. But now I’m having all these scary thoughts that I never once thought of.. If I was taller and better looking, would I want to be a guy? But I know that is not me, and I WANT to be WITH a guy. I would feel uncomfortable BEING a guy myself… But for some reason, my anxious self then made me worry I was lesbian for some reason and I worried if guys in general made me feel uncomfortable or if I felt uncomfortable for guys (which sounds really silly). But then I thought I’d feel too masculine if I’m with another girl (idk why.. I just would), so I don’t want to feel that, and I’ve never been attracted to girls anyway (definitely not before all this started)... Then I worried about having a low voice, being too muscular, acting too much like a guy when I’m with friends and stuff, and started to winder if I acted like a lesbian in the past…. Now, whenever someone uses “she” to refer to me, I really think about it and wonder if it makes me uncomfortable or not…. But then I would NEVER want to be referred to as “he” or “him.”

I guess I'm just curious as to why am I so fascinated with transgender people anyway, especially female to male guys, and why would I be so open to dating one? Perhaps it is just interesting?? But, this made me think… Am I pansexual?? But I know I am attracted to cis guys too… I want a guy who’s confident in his gender identity and is ‘ok with being a guy,’ at lack of better words, (so I guess I’m saying I want to be with a kinda masculine guy who makes me feel feminine). Maybe my feelings aren’t that abnormal?? Could someone help me sort out if I have TOCD or am in denial about being trans or why I am so attracted to and uncomfortable at the same time with female to male trans ppl (I am supportive, please don't misunderstand me)?? I feel like such a mess and am honestly weirded out by myself..

I really hope I'm just a cisgender female who is attracted to males because that's what I think I am, I just honestly don't know myself anymore and am overthinking everything like I always do.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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You just have to be yourself and not worry about the details. Wear what you want, be attracted to whichever type of person you want. Just be you and accept you. It doesn't matter, you aren't hurting anyone, just yourself by worrying. You are you.
 
Thalamus

Thalamus

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Nov 1, 2020
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3
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Hey! I understand your feelings really well. You described my situation in every point! I sometimes have phases where I even get sick and feel really bad. Do you have that too? I would recommend talking about this to someone that you trust or even a professional. Talking to my mom really helped me after all.
 
F

ftren05

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Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
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Location
USA
Hey! I understand your feelings really well. You described my situation in every point! I sometimes have phases where I even get sick and feel really bad. Do you have that too? I would recommend talking about this to someone that you trust or even a professional. Talking to my mom really helped me after all.
Thank you for your reply! I also go through phases where I feel terrible about myself and where I feel like I have no clue who I am anymore. I actually just posted again about having TOCD yet also feeling discomfort at the idea of being the other gender. I'm honestly a little nervous to hear peoples' replied, fearing they might tell me that I'm trans and gay or something. Deep down, I know I'm not, but I do have some weird feelings that I'm not sure others can relate to. I tried to describe them as best as I could. Is it possible to have HOCD even without having OCD? As a kid, I did have undiagnosed OCD that lasted for a year, but I'm pretty sure I still have mild forms of it.. I got really worried about having a heart condition or a brain tumor a couple years ago. I get stuck on things a lot and definitely am somewhat of a perfectionist and I'm the type of person who always has to be sure about everything, so I'm not surprised I developed HOCD even without being 100% sure I have had OCD before.. I might try talking to my mom. My parents aren't homophobic, but I worry she might think it's denial when I know deep down it isn't denial and I want my old self back. In the past, I have talked to her about boy crushes and wanting a boyfriend (which I still genuinely want), but I'm worried she'll think that was all fake or just be confused by me. It is really great to see how many people on here are going through the same thing. How did you explain it to your mom if you don't mind me asking? :)
 
Thalamus

Thalamus

New member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Germany
Thank you for your reply! I also go through phases where I feel terrible about myself and where I feel like I have no clue who I am anymore. I actually just posted again about having TOCD yet also feeling discomfort at the idea of being the other gender. I'm honestly a little nervous to hear peoples' replied, fearing they might tell me that I'm trans and gay or something. Deep down, I know I'm not, but I do have some weird feelings that I'm not sure others can relate to. I tried to describe them as best as I could. Is it possible to have HOCD even without having OCD? As a kid, I did have undiagnosed OCD that lasted for a year, but I'm pretty sure I still have mild forms of it.. I got really worried about having a heart condition or a brain tumor a couple years ago. I get stuck on things a lot and definitely am somewhat of a perfectionist and I'm the type of person who always has to be sure about everything, so I'm not surprised I developed HOCD even without being 100% sure I have had OCD before.. I might try talking to my mom. My parents aren't homophobic, but I worry she might think it's denial when I know deep down it isn't denial and I want my old self back. In the past, I have talked to her about boy crushes and wanting a boyfriend (which I still genuinely want), but I'm worried she'll think that was all fake or just be confused by me. It is really great to see how many people on here are going through the same thing. How did you explain it to your mom if you don't mind me asking? :)
I know what you are feeling. When we had a course in school where we got taught to help people with a heart attack I walked around one year always panicking when my arm hurt because I thought I would get a heart attack 😂.
When it started, I always felt bad and I wasn’t able to eat and feel well and one night, I just walked to my mom and told her that I need to talk to her. When she came in my room I started off with something like „Mom, this is gonna sound really crazy but I have the feeling that I’m lesbian. Which I’m not, I know it. But I just have this feeling and it’s getting worse every day.“ and then we talked about it and I felt better.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,602
Turning this on its head slightly, are you possibly just becoming more self-aware and more self-conscious? Could this be where all these insecurities are coming from, or becoming more frequent? Inward thinking can be unhealthy. As it has already been mentioned, you are you, just be secure in your own skin and focus on what you want from life, and set goals to get you there, follow your instinct :) If it helps, you sound 100% straight, but I think deep down you know this :) Perhaps speaking to your Doctor etc. might help. For example, is all this starting to make you anxious :hug:
 
Thalamus

Thalamus

New member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Germany
Thank you for your reply! I also go through phases where I feel terrible about myself and where I feel like I have no clue who I am anymore. I actually just posted again about having TOCD yet also feeling discomfort at the idea of being the other gender. I'm honestly a little nervous to hear peoples' replied, fearing they might tell me that I'm trans and gay or something. Deep down, I know I'm not, but I do have some weird feelings that I'm not sure others can relate to. I tried to describe them as best as I could. Is it possible to have HOCD even without having OCD? As a kid, I did have undiagnosed OCD that lasted for a year, but I'm pretty sure I still have mild forms of it.. I got really worried about having a heart condition or a brain tumor a couple years ago. I get stuck on things a lot and definitely am somewhat of a perfectionist and I'm the type of person who always has to be sure about everything, so I'm not surprised I developed HOCD even without being 100% sure I have had OCD before.. I might try talking to my mom. My parents aren't homophobic, but I worry she might think it's denial when I know deep down it isn't denial and I want my old self back. In the past, I have talked to her about boy crushes and wanting a boyfriend (which I still genuinely want), but I'm worried she'll think that was all fake or just be confused by me. It is really great to see how many people on here are going through the same thing. How did you explain it to your mom if you don't mind me asking? :)
Hey I think I might found something that will help you. I read through the other articles and stories on this site and found a comment saying they found a Youtube Channel which helped them. @
lazarus1435 thank you so much!
The video "HOCD or Denial?"
from
Chrissie Hodges/Pure OCD Advocate really helped me and I think It will help you too.
 
A

AtlantaPerson

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Atlanta
Can you share this with people who matter in your life? Whatever you hold onto secretly can grow into some big monster that it's really not. The best way to deal with any of these type of thought is to speak it out.
I got HOCD after having several instances of sexual dysfunction with girls. And today I was like screw it, I'm just gonna let people know how I'm feeling.
So I told my parents and friends that I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but sometimes question my orientation and I'm not entirely secure in my sexuality. And I was like, in order to think about this thing clearly, I need to not fear any outcome. So would y'all all be cool if I was gay? And everyone's was like, of course.

And then I can ask myself how I feel. And it feels like I'm straight. But what feels the best is that it doesn't matter. Like, if I were gay, that'd be cool. If I were bi, that'd be cool. I happen to consider myself heterosexual, but that's literally just a personal preference no better or worse than any other.

Also, thoughts that are completely false can still bother you if you are ashamed to speak them. Feedback is really important. If you're like, hey everyone, not sure if I'm straight but I think I am, then you can hear there input, process, think about it objectively, and then let go of what you are fearing.

Best of luck!
 
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