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HOCD? i think and hope i have it? But i dont even know at this point



New member
Dec 7, 2018
Im an 18 year old male and I have always been confident in my straight sexuality for a long time. I have had self-esteem issues for a quite sometime in the past before this hit but nothing about my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend but had crushes on cute girls who didnt like me back.I would dream of having a future wife eventually and always found women beautiful and attractive and would get real nervous to talk to them but it was a good anxiety i felt. So starting this summer back in late july-early august i was just doing nothing but thinking cause i had nothing to do and then (and i really regret asking myself this and wish i could go back to feeling like myself again) this thought came into my head and everything spun out of control from there and i had extreme anxiety and worries and started doing compulsions such as comparing the male and female body to see which one was more attractiveAnd would always reassure myself i was straight. And the arousal and focus on the groin is the worst!

But now I don’t have anxiety anymore to the thoughts and and images and now I have no attraction to the opposite sex really at all and now just find men attractive and whenever i try to think of girls thoughts of guys come and ruin it.which really makes me think i just turned gay in 4-5 months but i also realize how unrealistic and impossible that is. I never thought guys were attractive before this started and never deemed a relationship or get married to a guy.

I feel like i have to try a relationship with a guy to find out but I also know that i will regret and it will probably be a traumatizing experience. I know in my heart im straight because i wanted a girl before this so why would I all of sudden wouldnt now?But whenever i get these thoughts i feel guilt, shame, and some depression because i feel like im closeted or in denial but I know im not. It feels so real and convincing and i still doubt myself.

And i worry if i were to start one with a woman i wouldnt be able to commit myself because of these thoughts.. and i would feel complete guilt that im lying to her or im lying to myself but i know deep down i dont think i am its totally fucked. I have been diagnosed with GAD because i worry so much about shit to the point its probably extremely unhealthy and this is all i think about pretty much now because its troubling i feel like i lost that person who I was. Can you relate? I know im not diagnosed with OCD but i think (and hope) i developed it cause of this specific theme anyway

I started getting into watching porn when i was i think 12-13. It was fetish porn though. Not the regular straight porn but it was straight fetish, it only consisted of females because it was stuff i would likea woman to do to me i have never have actually masterbated, i would always dry hump to porn.

Anyways, i continued to watched porn through out high school for4 years, i was and still am addicted, the thing is though i could feel arousal whenever i saw a beautiful girl with a nice butt and boobs in real life at school! I never questioned my orientation or attraction towoman but im not going to lie though, i wasnt interested in hanging out with or starting a relationship because i didnt want one until i was more mature but starting this year after graduating and had nothing to do or think about all summer was .

And the thought “im gay” came up and my attraction to females started to slowly vanished from there and im only finding guys attractive now and getting constant arousal and now im worried and confused asf. Wtf.. so now im trying to quit porn, but idk if it was porn induced or not but i dont think it was but regardless im trying to quit no matter how hard it is. I have failed so far though.

Now when i try to concentrate on the girl in the video i get thoughts about dudes which replace hee when i try to get into it, i have NEVER, NEVEREVERwatched gay porn, even as a compulsion, because im not interested or have a desire, but i wonder how bad it really is though, but i still refuse to look it up fuck that.

I just dont understand how my interests just all of a sudden changed?! I feel sad and worried i really miss my loving attraction of woman! It just gets to the point where i think its completely realNow i feel im at the point where i don’t really feel straight at all the thoughts and fantasies of the same sex getting so easily aroused/erections now and on tv when watching a show i notice guys now more than women and now im pretty sure i wouldn’t enjoy a heterosexual relationship anymore but a homo one…i don’t even think this is a symptom of hocd, now im starting to think im actually gay its just repressed feelings (cause as i type this and someone reads this it definently sounds gay or at least bi)

i feel like this is an identity crisis now and i have completely turned gay in 4-5 months…but if i did how come i only had attractions to women before this? Im just so confused to the point where im going to probably give in at some point of my life. i just don’t know what to do or know who i am anymore i really thought i did

Is it possible I’ve become fixated on groinal/arousal towards men and my brain finally caught on to it finally and wired its self to do this response or is it influenced by anxiety? Also, is this how a person figures out they are gay/bi? This seems kinda impossible to do it this way. It doesn’t seem natural.I just don’t want woman’s heart broken because that would be the worst feeling in the world or to be a fraud because, I would love a woman more than I probably love myself and life itself..I feel like im at the point im about ready to throw in the towel..

I just cant stop feeling gay since this shit started, i can’t take this shit anymore…my eye isnt even drawn to women anymore. I don’t feel anything for women either. My eye is now attract to muscular dudes on youtube videos and pictures on facebook and instagram!…i cant believe i just typed that and no anxiety or feeling of guilt… but I even know though i couldnt probably tolerate gay shit if i even tried..just doesnt seem like me, but these urges and sensations to do shit with men are taking a toll on me feel like a goddamn closeted homosexual who need to do it…,wtf is wrong with me!

I cant even afford therapy and idk how to do my own erp..i feel like this isnt hocd, as i stated. But still more than likely would enjoy being intimate with a woman and cuddling and stuff and kissing (but i cant find woman really physically attractive anymore)..i feel betrayed by my body/brain. FML..

And is it possible to be so convinced and muniplated into being gay you actually FEEL the urge to actually want to have sex with the same sex during this too?! Just so you can get it done and over with once and for all?! I know i never would no matter how much i am convinced by my brain..So the big question is, is this just BIG TIME denial?

Or is this what a person with hocd goes through because they are actually straight and they just believe they are munipulated into being gay when they actually arent and this is just what the brain has wired itself to do because you are wondering so much that you are intrested in something that you are really not so its going to make you think thats exactly what you wantNow i cant get thoughts about dicks out of head ffs…sucking dick and dick in my ass now my ass feels weird now like i would be comfortable with a dick in there….how the fuck and why does this happen I hope its not true because i dont think dick up your ass is comfortable i feel and sound gayer by the fucking minute.I just hope my attraction to girls wasnt just caused by watching porn..

Now im really upset and confused, this seriously cant be hocd it just cant be :/ now im i think im feeling like im developing crushes on men randomly. Like i see a good looking one in a picture or tv my mind says thats sexy you have a crush on him and i dont want to but idk if its real or not literally getting upset and confused and a bit suicidal..i feel as if im only crushing on men now..is this possible like wtf

I dont want this, tho i want just hetero but i cant find women attractive or crush on them anymore..i dont want gay or bi..literally a bit suicidal, i just want to die some days but other days i feel completely normal with the thoughts like its my destine. Life isnt enjoyable anymore..i have lost asthetic attraction for women and seemed to gain it for men.


New member
Mar 4, 2019
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. it is so difficult and debilitating and I completely identify with you. it is HOCD. I promise. please know you're not alone, you're loved, you matter, you're valued and you're going to be okay.