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HOCD? Anxious.

B

bossman2019

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2019
Messages
1
Location
USA
to start i am an 18 year old male and am going to enter my first year of college. i am just confused and need a little advice/help. to begin i’m going to give a little background. as far back as i can remember i only have even romantically like women. i have never to this day felt any emotion connection to a male beside of corse family and friends. but when i was maybe 3 or so maybe younger i use to like to wear my mothers robe and these big heals and run around the house. i only kinda remember this because my parents have a picture of me doing it. as i got older i don’t remember putting on the heals except for one time when my brother and i were playing around and we were much older. also when i as younger i loved the movie cinderella. it my favorite movie. i would watch it over and over again. along with this I love disney world and always have silence i was a little boy. my entire family enjoys it. fast forward maybe to 4th grade i was having some major problems. i had my first sexual encounter with the boy next door that was my age. we went to my closet and turned the light off and touched each other’s butt. it was stupid and when it was over I felt horrible about it and cried to my mother a couple days later. I also wanted to say that i have always been more inclined to my mother, my father and i have never had the best relationship but my mother and i have always been close and for this i think that i have always been more inclined to females. in school, while i may have had a very personal personality, i found it hard to make friends boys and girls. but after about 9th grade had sometimes more girl friends than guy friends. i lived out of my schools district so i didn’t leave near the kids i went to school with so i kinda blame it on that. i began masterbating around 6th grade to straight porn and women. sometime around then maybe a little after that i honestly can’t remember i began to masterbate to gay porn and stuff like that and then would switch and stuff. I to this day have never felt any type of feeling towards a male but for some reason still watch gay porn. ever since i was in 6th grade kids called me gay and made fun of my voice because it “sounded gay”. When i was younger also around 6th grade gay people made me so anxious even the word. i can recall this instant where the 2 dads on modern family kissed and i immediately became anxious. i personally don’t have anything against gay people or gay rights or anything like that it just made me nervous. i’ve just come because one of my co workers that people say we act the same and even sound the same say they might be gay. and idk why but that set my anxiety off. i don’t know. i don’t feel gay and have only ever seen myself with a wife and kids and don’t feel emotionally for guys. however growing up and even today i have somewhat of a “gay voice” and people have always assumed i was gay when first meeting me. even after telling them no, they somehow don’t believe me. it has always been a problem with girls because like i said above most think i am gay. i have been in 1 real relationships and in love with someone twice. all 3 female. i like i said above do not see myself growing up with anything but a wife. i still masterbate to gay porn. not really because i enjoy it but i feel it is almost a habit or a obsession now. i also am constantly comparing myself to other guys and how they act. i have considered going to a speech therapist to help with my “gay accent” seeing that i want to be a politician when i get older my voice will most certainly get me nowhere. i just an anxious almost all the time that i am acting gay or that i sound gay and it gives me relief/happiness when a girl takes interest in me or some says they never thought i was gay. Could this be HOCD or just anxiety. i have always had bad anxiety not just about this but other things as well. i also have BPD and probably HPD. Both personally disorders. i also have ADHD. I just don’t know. I am anxious all the time and worry constantly that i am gay when i do not want to be/don’t feel gay. just wanted some advice.
 
S

slugs

Member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
20
Location
uk
sounds like HOCD. if you were gay you'd feel attracted to men. i know a lot of people who watch a variety of het and gay porn regardless of their sexuality, it doesn't mean anything. voices have absolutely nothing to do with being gay, either. it's a stereotype born out of a media focus on a segment of society that happen to sound effeminate; most gay men look and sound "normal".
 
fazza

fazza

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2014
Messages
1,513
Location
U.K
No it sounds like a really normal situation that millions of guys around the world do and feel but do not dare say.

I am in the eyes of the world a str8 male.
I love Disney I love Britney bloody spears and I love shopping with my wife.
I love girls company when they come around to my house to have coffee with my wife and I join in the conversation.

I can also say "wow that's a nice looking guy" when I see one.

The problem is not yours my friend. The problem is how society expects you to think and feel as a male.

Ask yourself. "what's so bad about what I am thinking"?

No doubt your brain will run through hundreds of thoughts of how strange you are or how different you are and how your thoughts are wrong.

Your thoughts are wrong in respect of making you feel that there is a problem when in reality of being a unconditioned human being there really is not a problem at.

Enjoy everything without the fear of what society expects.

Don't let the thought of dressing up in your mums heels have any bearing at all on who you are.

I used to walk around with my grans clip in earings when I was younger but it means nothing at all.

Case in point (and its a bit crude but just go with it)

I was out with my wife and there were two cyclist in front of me in all of the lycra gear.

I turned to my wife and said "nice bum alert" that's the sort of thing we do. The problem though as my wife pointed out was that the cyclists were guys. "no matter" I said as we passed by "still had a great bum"

If we look at the above it shows that we look at what we like the look of and it does not matter if its gender related.

If I like the look of a guys bum. What am I looking at?

The bum not the gender? I am also looking at the colours on the shorts and the fabric cause that's what I am interested in and it has nothing to do with sexuality.

Enjoy yourself. As long as nobody is getting hurt and that includes yourself then just do what makes your heart grow
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
153
Location
Kent
Hi there,

I think sometimes boys in society are expected to act a certain way and are really put down if they're more emotional or "in touch with their feminine side". I just wanted to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this whatsoever; I've only ever dated/slept with two guys and they were both very emotionally-driven people, and yet were straight. We live in a different world now where people are more emotional in general and are able to open up more, however, this often comes with it's negatives too, like the "gay voice" comments you've received. A lot of the time, gay people in tv shows, movies have overexaggerated voices as this was a common stereotype years ago. People often associate being gay with these stereotypes and therefore will assume the sexuality of others without even knowing for sure if they are gay/straight. Believe it or not, despite the fact that I'm a straight female, I have seen my fair share of lesbian content over the years, but I don't identify as one. I used to worry if I was in denial about my sexuality, but as I've grown older and become more in touch with who I am, I can safely say that I am straight. I think deep down, both men and women go through this all over the world, but I think men may struggle more due to the fact that there are these stereotypes and that they're expected to always be masculine. If anything, I think this is more of a societal issue and not an issue with you. Once you start college, I think this will definitely be an eye opener and you will become more confident in your sexuality, especially as you gain more life experience. Best of luck to you xx
 
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