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HOCD and some more disturbing things, i need help.

A

Alguem

New member
Joined
May 17, 2020
Messages
1
Location
USA
I need real help here, my situation is serious and i have been thinking about taking my own life now.
I am a 34 years old man, and recently i have been haunted by intrusive thoughts and doubts about myself, about my sexuality and about my life as a whole.
I feel like i need to provide some background first and then i will go straight to the point. I have always been a shy person, part of it may be genetics but great part of it is due to my father being emotionally abusive to us growing up, which resulted in many personality and emotional problems to me. So i have always had trouble socializing, i was never "normal", but for a good part of my life i managed to have friends and live a "normal" life. I became much more reclusive at a certain age because i developed social anxiety, so i would mostly stay at home and in my bedroom. Not having much contact with anyone.
So, now going to the point, it was at that time of being reclusive and staying at home that i started immersing myself into porn. It quickly became an addiction. It was obviously an unhealthy compulsive habit from the start.
My porn consumption as a kid started with regular straight porn. I am old enough to have masturbated looking at Playboy magazines. hehe I have been into regular straight porn for the most part. But once i got access to high speed internet combined to my seclusion in my bedroom and my emotional and mental problems, things spiraled into extremes pretty quickly. I have consumed all kinds of porn. And i mean, ALL of it. Maybe the only thing i haven't being into is necrofilia. The rest of it, whatever you can think about, i have most likely watched and masturbated to it. Coming to the realization that i am able to get aroused by ANYTHING that its sexual, is scary and weird and i don't know what to make of it to this day. Even though i was consuming all kinds of disturbing porn i have never questioned my sexuality. Because in my mind i have always been straight, there was never any question about it. In my mind porn was something separated from "reality". Even tho i have watched bestiality porn i wouldn't have sex with an animal, and even tho i have watched incest porn i wouldn't have sex with a family member and that goes for all the other extreme porn i was watching too. So i would never question my sexuality because growing up and since then i have always been attracted to girls, romantically, i have always hooked up with girls and always had sex with women. I also always had many male friends and i have never felt attracted to them in any way, specially not romantically, i have never gone through anything like that. To me another male was either a friend or a rival and that was it. But then, there i was consuming same sex porn... even though i have watched same sex porn i never liked to see two men kissing each other, or anything romantic between two men. When it come to my same sex porn consumption, it was usually a very specific impersonal sexual act... anything other than that would make me feel disgusted and uncomfortable. So i wasn't questioning my sexuality even during that time. As i said, to me porn was something separated from reality, And that mentality would allow me to dwell in all kinds of disturbing WRONG and illegal porn. I have lived in that life style of porn consumption and social isolation for many years. Staying mostly at home, not going to school nor working, socializing rarely. I was in my bedroom on the internet, playing games and consuming porn... for years. Fuck, i don't know how i have allowed myself to get to that point. I feel alone, i feel like a freak. I have researched the internet and i can't find anything to relate to.

Talking about the current days now. I have been mostly away from porn for 3 years now since i met my girlfriend. I met my girlfriend online, and i have been trying to "come back to normal life" since then. I got a job right after i met her and i'm trying to reintroduce myself into society. I love my girlfriend more than anything. I am very much sexually attracted to her. Sex between us has been great. She is from another country and we plan to move together and get married. But we are apart from each other because she is in her home country, and we have been apart from each other for months. We were planing to get together soon but because of the coronavirus crisis i am unable to travel to meet her.
My real struggle with HOCD started recently. I have been getting intrusive thoughts questioning who i really am. Thoughts that tell me my whole life is a lie. That i am not a real man. That i am into the same sex. And that i am going to hurt and ruin my girlfriends life. It's like those terrible habits that i had for so long are catching up to my conscientiousness now. I feel guilty i feel like a fraud. How can i expect to live a normal married man life now, after having dwelled in all kinds of disturbing sick porn, getting aroused by it and masturbating to it? How can someone get aroused by anything that is sexual? What is wrong with me? I have been thinking about killing myself. I feel alone and i can't relate to anyone.
 
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NoOne5

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,075
Location
USA
:welcome: to the forum. Please keep yourself alive. :hug:
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
738
Location
Here
I read somewhere that it's really normal to be aroused by things that you wouldn't actually partake in, and especially since you separate porn from reality. I see it as separate from reality too and I don't like to watch it much but sometimes if I do, it's things that I don't even want to partake in either. I know it's easier said than done but..try to remember that, intentions matter..you know deep down what you want and don't want..even if you ended up being bisexual it wouldn't take away from your love of your girlfriend at all 🙏
 
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