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Hiya

S

Star20

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
22
I'm not sure what to write because there's so much to say. I have had depression since eleven but my mental health started before that due to me being molested between nine and ten. I haven't had the most stable upbringing, living with an emotionally manipulative mother and a father who developed bipolar when I was fourteen.

I was raised by my mom since my parents split and since then I have slowly become her crutch. I have self harmed over the years and I have spoken to professionals who either give me medication or tell me their therapy courses aren't long enough.

I'm here because I had everyone telling me the past two years that if I get a job and get out there everything will go away. I have had a job for half a year now, gained a boyfriend and still I feel so much pain. I feel so alone I go to work to fill my day so I don't spend my time crying, I am starting to really care for my boyfriend who I know doesn't feel the same way and I'm stuck in a bigger mess.

To make a long story a bit shorter I need people I can talk to, my friends don't wanna see or hear this because they don't understand or they are struggling their selves, my family don't wanna hear this because they stopped listening before I hit sixteen and how can I tell my boyfriend how I feel when I'm terrified that it will either scare him and make him run.

Anyway sorry for making this so long, Star
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
430
Location
California, US
Welcome. You can be yourself here and talk real about how messed up you feel you are.
Sorry to hear that you have to support your mom emotionally as well as manage your own symptoms. And while your relationship with your boyfriend isn't perfect it's good that you found you have actual feelings for him - not everyone can care for another person.

You said you've had experience with medication and therapy, what have you tried and in what ways was it unsuccessful?
 
M

Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
Hi there. I can relate to a lot of this. My emotional issues started young too. My therapist told me I was emotionally abused by my mother. I find it extremely difficult to hear because by the time she died and reached her 70’s we had become best friends and her attitude towards me totally changed. She died with me eventually knowing she not only loved me, she liked me. It took 35 years but I honestly think she had her own mental health problems preventing her from showing warmth. I don’t blame her. I kinda understand why. But the damage set in early and it’s hard to shake the feelings of inadequacy.

I too was starting to care for my boyfriend. Then I had a depressive bipolar relapse. He told me not to cry in front of him and that I’m to blame for not going to the gym. Haha i bought it at first, and felt ashamed. Now I realise he just doesn’t understand how deep my troubles go. I certainly haven’t caused this myself. Anyway, he’s gone now. And I’m back to spending my nights alone. Sometimes think I want him back but then I realise how much worse he made me feel.

How do you know he doesn’t feel the same? Has he said that? Maybe try and softly explain a bit of your experience and test the water. If he’s gonna leave you because of it, he might not be the best person for you to build a life with. There are people who will care for you properly. Please don’t feel ashamed.

I’m here if you wanna talk more. I’ve just joined myself and there are some lovely supportive and understanding people here.

I hope you find some support and peace x
 
S

Star20

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
22
I have been on a few different depression medication with different doses. I have had a child psychologis, I have been to three other doctors after but one was just a set up appointment and they told me I need specialist care.

I had lots of different issues but they only wanted to focus on sexual abuse and constantly talking about one thing when I needed to focus on more than just that.

Thank you for the supportive message you sent
 
S

Star20

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
22
My boyfriend told me on our first date that he struggles to care for other peoole, and he can be very unemotionle but everyone's different so I'm being patient
 
M

Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
I’m thinking keep trying with the doctors and therapists, you may well find something that suits you. If there’s something you feel you won’t benefit from discussing, tell them what you feel you need to talk about. It can be difficult finding a good care team. But it can be done. I think it’s extremely difficult to be assertive when you’re unwell, but we must be our own advocates whenever we are able.

Have you been with your boyfriend long? People are different, and show care in different ways. It’s admirable that you’re willing to be patient, but don’t suppress your feelings too much for him. If it’s a relationship worth having you’ll work through stuff together, and it’s important to be able to talk honestly without partners. You deserve someone who will walk your path with you when you can’t walk alone. We all do xx
 
M

Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
*with our partners - that was meant to read
 
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