Hitting the breaking point

[FastLaneC3]

If I dont end up in the hospital by the end of this upcoming week, I will be VERY surprised.

Out of nowhere I had a nightmare in relation to the incident that caused my PTSD...not very pleasant...I don't think I can compose myself...at least not for the next few days...I've spent the last two days in tears, feeling angry, self-harming and smashing almost everything in my apartment...lost a littttle bit of control I'd say...I also find myself humming when I start to get upset again and then I proceed to rock back and forth and then I lose it...

I've been scared away from health professionals, counsellors, everybody in that field essentially. I've had some not so great experiences...I don't have a gp, because Ontario has a MAJOR shortage of doctors, and emergency rooms terrify me...But I figure if I don't get better I'm going to e-mail the one person who doesn't treat me any differently because of my ptsd (unlike everyone else). His e-mails always make things better and him being one of my professors, I dont feel endangered or scared (I have some troubles with males because all incidents contributing to my ptsd are a result of being attacked by males...the major one involved two male drunk co-workers dragging me into the back of the work place...enough said). Worse case scenario I'll be contacting him to drag my butt to the ER.

Has anybody successfully overcome their ptsd to any extent?? Will I ever lose my fear of males??

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Fastlane

I had/have PTSD. I used to have flashbacks etc. There were a few things that help me. One is time. As time went on, my fears grew less and less. I exposed myself to situations I would have avoided in a safe way and learned through experience that there is no need for me to be afraid again. I retrained my automatic impulses. Perhaps through your professor you can learn to trust males again. Just take things slowly don't isolate yourself from men, just try to slowly but surely learn to trust again, slowly developing relationships.

The other thing I found helpful was talking about my experiences, again and again and again. Having someone there to just listen, not judge or offer their own opinion but to just listen so you can let it all out. I found it helpful to talk as and when things crop up, not all in one go, just little by little.

Over time my flashbacks have completely disappeared, and the only thing I get now is the occassional fleeting thought. To stop this thought from spiralling I try not to get caught up in it, I acknowledge I have the thought but I let it slip out of my mind the same way it came in. Time has helped lesson the intensity of the emotions attached with the thought, and these days I am not distressed by them.

I found a skill called mindfulness helped me with this. It helps me stay in the moment that I am in rather than dwelling on the past or the future. I fully immerse myself in that moment, on the task I have to do right there and then, noticing when my mind wonders and refocusing my attention back to where I am. It also helps to have a grounding object for when your mind starts going back, something that I look at that helps me recognise where I am now, not where I was back then. My grounding objects have changed over the years, and I have different ones for night and day.

There is alot about mindfulness on the web, it might be worth having a look and giving it a go?

 

[FastLaneC3]

Hi Sapphire

Thank you for the response. Its nice to hear from someone who is in a similar situation and can relate, as I haven't found anybody near me to do so. I think in a way everybody will have a traumatizing moment in their life, some worse than others.

It's funny because I am more willing to open to male counsellors, and professors/teachers, and Im not sure why. I think because my father has protected me so much in my life (well as much as possible) I feel safer with them.

I found a PTSD forum last night after I wrote this, so hopefully that will help. Its just hard considering the counsellors pressed me so much to open up that so many suppressed memories came out (I think at that point I went into shock). It was hard because after they did so, they stopped my counselling and I slowly went downhill.

To keep myself busy Im trying to work on my media portfolio and if anything I can channel some of that rage into my art work. Its just hard sometimes and I can't channel it, and as you've read above I lose it.

 

[Raina Walks]

Hi,

Soooo sorry for you. I had 15 abusers including my father so I can relate a little...I too am afraid of males but am working on it. I don't think I will ever find them not a danger because ultimately they usually want sex and because of what happened to me I am not interested in it so I get upset when they ask. To them it is not a big deal but to me it is a huge deal sex...

I mostly stay away from men...they upset me terribly and I have not ever found one that I can talk to and feel safe with on an ongoing basis...inevitable comes to talking about sex and I get uncomfortable because I want to be left alone that way. So I guess it is safe to say that I will not get over it.

I attend a lot of support groups and am building my self esteem, my skills in being more assertive and I am building my self respect and will not tolerate disrespect from anybody without my reaction to let them know that I am displeased...by either walking away, not calling...I strike...

Can't say that I have over come my PTSD really...I still get triggered and I still have flashbacks and am going through the painful process of remembering a lot of things and writing about them now to give them expression....so it is a tough road...once we have been traumatized it is hard to work through it especially when it is repeated and brutal.

What I am doing is being brave and am committed to not killing myself...I chose life and am going about the messy business of living it. It is ugly but as I look around it appears to be messy for lots of people whether they suffer what I suffered or something else...so I keep doing little things that will take me just a little closer to healing...mostly writing and having a talking journal and now I have the MHF ... but everything has its downs...sometimes I cannot write...other times i cannot talk and there are days I don't feel like going on the forum or are floored by the responses I get...messy, messy, messy....

All I can say to you is hang in there....if you don't then there is no hope...as long as you have life there is hope...