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Hit the bedrock. New Member

D

Different

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Lithuania
Hello everyone, and thank you for reading this.
I think I just hit the bottom line and can't cope on my own anymore.
I have been struggling with depression, anxiety,social phobias of all kinds, panic attacks, sleep paralysis and more, full set, haha.

I'm not really sure what to expect from people here, as I have never been in any forum before.

I'm not really have that much energy to listen to You to, but I will do my best to try to understand.

At this moment it's my last resort to look for help. If really I never thought I'll become like this one day, sometimes when I think back those 10 years who I was and how I felt, I can't even believe that I ever was that happy.
It's just sad.

As time goes , I don't really feel that much anymore.
Most of the time I feel disconnected from reality, nothing really interest me anymore.
It's not like I wouldnt want that, I would love to, but I can't feel even if I want to.
My emotions become shallow and short lasting, as I go trough my life most of them feel fake.
It feels like I'm not a person as I used to be.

I become a lost soul. I'm trying to be as I always was, but i'm so lost, that I don't even know who I am nor what I really was.
I'm still fighting, every day, not with the world, but with myself.

I keep overthinking things, thinking become like a drug for me, I don't really know how to stop it.
At this momment I'm just 22 years old, but it feels that I'm allready had enough.
It's just to much, I don't know how to solve my problems, nor I really have any energy left to even try.

I spent my days with myself, people tryed to talk to me and snap me out of my thinking, but I pushed them back, I just can't accept that they try to take care of me, but I can't stand up, it's just to much.
I can't see people feeling sad becouse of me, it brokes me heart even if I don't really feel that much.
I would like to cry, a lot. I used to, when I was 13 to cry day and night, it helped for a little while, but now I can't even do that.
I used to think what is going on with me from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep, but now, I don't even try to think about that.

What I was trying to do now was just trying to distract myself and sleep trought my problems, hoping that tommorow will change something, but it doesn't.

You wake up and you feel the same, as you always felt, a bit more clear in thinking for couple minutes as I wake up, then problems take over me again. Anyway.

If YOU read that much, thank You. It's just a little piece of how I feel and what's going on. I don't really know anyone, but I would love to listen to You too. I could write and write, but I don't want to make it to long without listening to You. I would like to talk to anybody who struggles to, I'm not jugmental, I like everyone, just don't hurt me
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
62,816
Location
Lancashire
:welcome: to the forum. I understand depression all too well. It feels like it will never get any better and drags you down, down every day. I am diagnosed with bipolar so it goes with the territory. Are you on any medication? If so and its not working go back and nag and nag. If you have tried a lot and they aren't working insist on seeing a psychiatrist if you can. I don't know what that is like in Lithuania. Do you have access to psychologists or therapists out there?

You say you used to cry a lot at 13, is this something you have lived with for years then or have you had better times? People trying to help you snap out of it aren't helping at all. With serious depression that just can't happen. ~~

There are ways through this. Keep fighting and see what your options are. No-one should suffer like that.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,425
Hi there, welcome to the Forum. We're a great community here, doing what we can to help and support one another. It's great to have you here :) Please keep posting and sharing, it helps us to understand you and your situation better :)
 
D

Different

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Lithuania
:welcome: to the forum. I understand depression all too well. It feels like it will never get any better and drags you down, down every day. I am diagnosed with bipolar so it goes with the territory. Are you on any medication? If so and its not working go back and nag and nag. If you have tried a lot and they aren't working insist on seeing a psychiatrist if you can. I don't know what that is like in Lithuania. Do you have access to psychologists or therapists out there?

You say you used to cry a lot at 13, is this something you have lived with for years then or have you had better times? People trying to help you snap out of it aren't helping at all. With serious depression that just can't happen. ~~

There are ways through this. Keep fighting and see what your options are. No-one should suffer like that.
There was one point in life, when I got really better, like I used to be, but it happened so fast and faded as fast as it came that I didn't even recognize how I'm doing it to myself. If that wouldn't happen, I would already be thinking how to end my life, but I found out that really it's not a medications I need, it's the way I think about life. It's really difficult to understand. From where I'm now, it looks like it's impossible that I could make myself feel terrible and lost all the time, my thinking is clauded and foggy, but the feeling of Hope that it can change is still there, so I still hope that I'll find my lost soul again. I'm not on any medications, they don't help me, so i'm looking in other things, other alternatives. I Started using Zoloft as a child 11 years old, as much treatment I tryed, none helped or made me even worse. Been using Amitriptiline, Dulsevia, Tranxene, Xanax and a lot more, none really helped expect I got addicted to Xanax to the point where I started to black out. Anyway. I don't take any medication anymore, because it doesn't help me and I'm afraid allready, that I messed up my brain to much with them. I found out, that most of the doctors who prescribe those drugs, don't really know how they even work. It's like throwing darts in a pitch black room to a target which maybe exist at all. Therapy helps a bit, but not really that much. I don't like the way, they put everything in a box what they read in books, but they don't really know how the mind works. It's easy to tell that your'e depressed, detached and you need to take pills to make yourself feel better, but that don't solve anything, it may hide some of the symptoms, but the way You think about life causing You feel the way you feel. They can tell You have chemical imbalance in your brain, but what causes it? Most of the people who are depressed it's not disease, it's the way they operate in life, the way they think. When You take psychedelics, they show you everything from different perspective so you can deal with your problems in a better way. Right now I'm stuck and I don't know how to stop overthinking, or how to think and deal with my problems. I'm not against psychiatrics or psychologists, I just think for me, after being in 4 different mental hospitals and loads of drugs + therapy, did really nothing, maybe helped to cope for couple of weeks, or months, but if you don't deal with the root proboem which makes you feel bad , hiding it with medications won't work. Anyway. Thanks for support.
 
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