- Apr 7, 2009
i have been in a relationship for four years. this past couple of years were pretty bad, still hurt by some of the things he's said and done, yet i stuck it out as he was getting help "finally". his help consisted of going to rehab for 28 days, came out drinking less and smoking as much pot as he can. now he's on meds, seeing a doctor, which is going somewhat ok. however, i am very sad at the things he did or didn't post about his support system, as he truly feels i haven't been supportive, and that hurts me very much. when we first met, we were both the happiest people on the planet, and never thought we'd ever turn on each other... but we have. i am the saddest i've ever been and don't know how to cope. he doesn't want a job, hates life pretty much... which i'm confused and sad as i'm a big part of his life, and even though he claims he loves me very much, i have a hard time understanding "then why is he so sad and depressed." i thought love trumped everything, but i was wrong. he's reaching out to everyone but me, and that hurts, as i don't know what to think of that. one more thing, he has a problem with lying, yet he tries to call it something else that sounds nicer. i truly believe that "he believes" he's not lying, when in actuality, it is. at any rate, i love him very much, i'm sad he's so depressed and just wants to die, that makes me feel like sh*t - you have no idea. i've been supportive - as he calls it i've been his foundation, now he needs a framer, and i'm not a framer. that's fine, but don't take away everything i've put myself and my kids through in order for this relationship to work. so many mixed emotions/feelings... i've been crying every day and feel so weak and helpless, as he's the only one on this planet i've put so much energy towards, and still do, yet i feel like i'm getting nowhere. i wonder if i'm not the right girl for him, if there's someone better... and now he's talking to those people (girls/guys), and it scares me... because i love him more than anything and don't want to lose him to someone who can actually connect on this level... i feel inadequate for this, a failure if you will. can my relationship even be saved at this point? my friends tell me to lose the loser, its been that way for years, as he lives with his mom, has no car, no job, no money, and yet i have all of these things. but what they don't realize is that my bf has given me the greatest gift i've ever received in my life, and that is 100% true love. there was a time we were madly in love with each other, now we're just "there" it seems, passing time. i want that love back so bad, it eats at me everyday. i get hit on by other men and don't know why it can't be that way with my own bf... we haven't had sex in months. i know my gaining weight probably doesn't help, and not that he'd admit that, but i did put on quite a bit in the last couple of years. when things went down hill for him, they went down hill for me too. help me understand why, and where do we go from here, or is there no we and maybe just i... i'm so sad every day, feel like i lost my best friend, lover... i'm grieving so badly. i just want the pain to go away and accept his illness and his need to talk to everyone but me, is that possible. i love him so much and don't want to lose him, despite everything we've been through... he means the world to me, and my kids.