his illness is killing me/us

[whyamihere]

i have been in a relationship for four years. this past couple of years were pretty bad, still hurt by some of the things he's said and done, yet i stuck it out as he was getting help "finally". his help consisted of going to rehab for 28 days, came out drinking less and smoking as much pot as he can. now he's on meds, seeing a doctor, which is going somewhat ok. however, i am very sad at the things he did or didn't post about his support system, as he truly feels i haven't been supportive, and that hurts me very much. when we first met, we were both the happiest people on the planet, and never thought we'd ever turn on each other... but we have. i am the saddest i've ever been and don't know how to cope. he doesn't want a job, hates life pretty much... which i'm confused and sad as i'm a big part of his life, and even though he claims he loves me very much, i have a hard time understanding "then why is he so sad and depressed." i thought love trumped everything, but i was wrong. he's reaching out to everyone but me, and that hurts, as i don't know what to think of that. one more thing, he has a problem with lying, yet he tries to call it something else that sounds nicer. i truly believe that "he believes" he's not lying, when in actuality, it is. at any rate, i love him very much, i'm sad he's so depressed and just wants to die, that makes me feel like sh*t - you have no idea. i've been supportive - as he calls it i've been his foundation, now he needs a framer, and i'm not a framer. that's fine, but don't take away everything i've put myself and my kids through in order for this relationship to work. so many mixed emotions/feelings... i've been crying every day and feel so weak and helpless, as he's the only one on this planet i've put so much energy towards, and still do, yet i feel like i'm getting nowhere. i wonder if i'm not the right girl for him, if there's someone better... and now he's talking to those people (girls/guys), and it scares me... because i love him more than anything and don't want to lose him to someone who can actually connect on this level... i feel inadequate for this, a failure if you will. can my relationship even be saved at this point? my friends tell me to lose the loser, its been that way for years, as he lives with his mom, has no car, no job, no money, and yet i have all of these things. but what they don't realize is that my bf has given me the greatest gift i've ever received in my life, and that is 100% true love. there was a time we were madly in love with each other, now we're just "there" it seems, passing time. i want that love back so bad, it eats at me everyday. i get hit on by other men and don't know why it can't be that way with my own bf... we haven't had sex in months. i know my gaining weight probably doesn't help, and not that he'd admit that, but i did put on quite a bit in the last couple of years. when things went down hill for him, they went down hill for me too. help me understand why, and where do we go from here, or is there no we and maybe just i... i'm so sad every day, feel like i lost my best friend, lover... i'm grieving so badly. i just want the pain to go away and accept his illness and his need to talk to everyone but me, is that possible. i love him so much and don't want to lose him, despite everything we've been through... he means the world to me, and my kids.

 

[anastasia]

you said that your partner turns to everyne else but you. yu knw what, i do the same with my SO. it's so hard to talk to the person who you love the most cos you don't want to hurt them. it's like, if you don't tell them then you can pretend that it's not there and it's not happening and all will be ok.

i know it must be hard for you right now but it is for them too.

love doesn't stop depression. he needs the help and support of the people around him and that includes his GP. if he drinks and smokes pot that will only add to the problems.

 

[whyamihere]

thanks...

thanks for your insight. his pot and still drinking doesn't help. it went from completely sober/clean for 28 days, or a little more. then he started smoking pot somewhat... and then onto o'douls, ok - no prob. then he justified that having 32 beer would be just fine, onto regular beer, back to hard alcohol, oh... but just a little he says, yet i can hear in his voice that it "seems" not to be the case... like he takes me for a fool. i left my bf, didn't return his calls for a week, then he wants me to help him through rehab, which i did... the sparks came back somewhat between us, but then a landslide of emotions to follow once he started up again. granted, he is not back to drinking as much, not even close... but he seems to be making his way back to that place, and smokes way more pot now. his friend, one i can not stand, offered him a drink right out of rehab, and whenever they're together, same thing. but i'm not sure if his friend is a pusher, or if my bf asks for it. he's lied about it in the beginning to keep me from getting angry, but as he knows... i always catch him in a lie cuz i know him so well - body language, tone change, etc... you know what i mean? anyway, thanks for the talk. i understand he needs help, and i'm finally starting to let go of the idea that i'm a failure - as i can't fix him. i just need support on getting back on track with my own life now, and still be able to be there for him, and need to know what should fly and what shouldn't... as i really am clueless at this point.

 

[anastasia]

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

no one can help someone recover from an addiction until the addict wants it for themselves.

he's been through rehab more than once from what you say and each time has gone back to the alcohol / drugs so i'm assuming that he doesn't really want to do it. he's doing it for someone else (perhaps you) and, in my exerience, that's when recover fails.

i can see you love him but honestly, it sounds like you've reached the end of your tether with him and if he wants to self destruct then you have to look after yourself. You are important too!

 

[whyamihere]

you are so right...

i kept telling him these things, as far as "doing it for himself" and otherwise the consequences. to be honest, he's not ready to be clean/sober... especially with friends like his. he says i've been a b*tch rather than supportive, when that hurts. ex - he had a bad day and said he felt like drinking. he had the option of going to see his doctor or going to a buddy's house - the one who's always got the pot and alcohol. i let him have it and showed no sympathy what-so-ever, and said... "you should really go see your doctor, and not go to a buddy's house who's going to serve you pot/alcohol"... ewwww, that's when sh*t hit the fan and i became the biggest b*tch on the planet to him. i was just being honest, as he said he was going to a "buddy's" house, and i said "that's not your buddy, he's your drinking/pot guy and THAT is why you are going over there." not a good topic - let me tell you... we didn't talk that weekend, as he called me a fugg'n bully and that hurt, as that is not what i am. i am just a person who's put up with enough and doesn't want anymore of it, i don't deserve it.

 

[anastasia]

i think you have the answer already there then.

he's not ready to be clean and sober. do you really want to be with him? It doesn't sound like he really respects you.

you deserve better.

 

[whyamihere]

yeah....

he really doesn't respect me, i mean... why should he? he sees me disrespecting myself in a sense just by putting up with him, so why should he respect me, or change for that matter... as i never leave.

thanks for you help, its really helping me mentally right now... i've been so depressed, lots of crying, etc. thank you, really appreciate your insight.

 

[john2054]

Hi whyamihere,

breaking up always hurts, I know that...

Also relationships hurt when they are past the initial lovey dovey stage,
That's my experience of them anyway,

There's always going to be one who is the better half so to speak,

but if you love him you will hold onto him through these hard times.

Hopefully to see a way through when things work out.

I don't know when that will be, believe me I have the world of problems with my other half. But I stay with her, and you know why?? Because I LOVE her.

That's why. peace

 

[DIZZY]

whatever you decide on this,i just needed to say good luck, sounds like its been tough.. hang in there

 

[whyamihere]

thanks...

i appreciate your feedback... especially where you say "but if you love him you will hold onto him through these hard times, and hopefully to see a way through when things work out." that's all i've been wanting and waiting for. i'm only human and my patience wears thin. i do love him very much, just wish we could be back to where we were, as you call it the lovey dovey stage. we both thought we could never escape that even if we tried, our love for each other is deeper than any other, and i just wish it was diplayed that way, rather than both of us being bitter. do you think there's a point of no return, in other words, can too much damage have full control over the relationship, whether if its past or present? i'm just really sad we're going through all this crap. i say "we" as in "i don't have to, but i do because i love him."

 

[whyamihere]

thanks for the support

i really appreciate it, need it so badly right now, as i've had no one to talk to about this.

 

[anastasia]

you know what, love is unconditional, relationships are NOT.

i have no idea who said that origially (it certainly wasn't me) but it's true. you might love him but love does not have all the answers and it does not solve all the problems of the world.

there's tough and there's someone being completely screwed up to the point where you're putting yourself down because of them and they dont even realise / care.

you need to get out.

 

[DIZZY]

Keep posting, just remember were here even if you just need to rant and get it all out, being a stranger can really help coz you know we are not here to judge or force you into making decisions, just a friendly ear when you need it. stay positive

 

[whyamihere]

that make sense

i understand what you're saying, that it would be in my best interest for my own personal mental health to back away from the situation, as its damaging me over and over again. i get that... but how do you flick a switch like that? how do i just walk away, what does that say about me as a longterm girlfriend? more than anything, i love him. how do you turn your back to the person you love the most? i know at times i feel like he doesn't love me, but he says he does... shouldn't i believe him? he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my kids... shouldn't i believe him? what do i do?

 

[whyamihere]

wow...

you guys have been so helpful. just venting makes a difference. i do want to find a resolution to this madness, and sometimes i feel so alone, so thanks for all your support. i had no one to talk to about "me"... its always about him, and that's unhealthy for me. so again - thank you.