• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Him or his illness? Want to learn.

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CuppaTea3456

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2015
Messages
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My husband has suggested I do some more research into pschitzophrenia after we had a discussion about his behaviour. I told him his behaviour was hurting me. He says his words and actions are driven by his illness and his frustration around his illness. So I am following his advice and asking others with the condition what they think in the hopes of learning and understanding more. His behaviours;
- He calls me names or insults me in some way (examples; calling me a cow or saying I have a mustache- I don't). He says he is only joking but I have told him numerous times that it hurts my feelings and to stop, but he doesn't.
- He likes to confuse me (I have Aspergers). An example; the other day he said without hesitation (infront of his brother) that he would make me move out if I shaved my hair. I got very confused and was asking if he was serious (he repeatedly said he was) and was laughing and found it funny how distressed and confused I was getting. He finally (hours) told me he was joking and that I shouldn't be so gullible. I was very upset.
- I stay at home with him everyday and have recently started trying to socialize. If I want to go out but he doesn't, 90% of the time, he will go from being fine and happy to silent and "sulky" as soon as I mention that I might see a friend. It always makes me feel guilty (perhaps designed to?) For leaving him. He insists I have my own life but his behaviour suggests he doesn't want me to.
- He winds me up then blames me. He will say something very mean out of the blue, start an argument and then tell me to shut up and go quiet when I try to respond.
I am usually a very caring loving person but recently I can't feel it for him when he gets bad. He has now noticed the change in me (hence the convosation we had). Most of the time he is lovely and I love him to pieces but this behaviour of his (these were just some examples) is making it hard for me to feel like myself. When he gets bad I just turn to stone. I can't find the compassion anymore when he treats me this way. It has been a gradual build up to this. Is this his illness or just him? I need to understand him better so that I can forgive him this behaviour and care for him again.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hi CuppaTea and welcome to the forum.

I hate to say it but I don't know of any mental health issue that turns somebody in to an inconsiderate bully! (there were so many words that I wanted to use there but bully seems the politest) I could be wrong but it sounds as though he is just being unkind and then blaming his bad behaviour on his mental health.

Has he always been a bit rude or mean at times, or is this something new? If it's making you feel really bad then tell him you won't tolerate it. How long ago was he diagnosed with schizophrenia? Perhaps someone with more experience of schizophrenia can give more input.
 
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CuppaTea3456

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2015
Messages
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He was diagnosed with schizo-affective around the time we got together and diagnosed schzophrrnic in thr last couple of months. He has always been a bit irratic, in the beginning he had some problems with drugs and alcohol which made his behaviour very irrational. He is 2 years clean now. Sometimes he is better than others but generally the things listed havestuck. When I spoke to him about it he immediately became deffensive and explained how it's hard for him with his illness and sometimes he acts out. That's when he suggested I do more research on it. I guess I was hoping other people with the condition could tell me his behaviour is normal and explain the thoughts behind it. Perhaps it's low self esteem or just taking his frustrations out on the nearest person. I don't want to give up on my marriage. I'm feeling very disconnected at times though. When he is nice I feel fine, affectionate and caring again likr myself and since speaking with him it has gotten brtter. I hope it sticks. I feel I do need to understand him better. I don't seem to think the same as him, his natural reactions to things aren't the same as mine. And thank you mayfair :) and purple chaos.... purple chaos... ive heard that before...
 
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CuppaTea3456

Member
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Jan 12, 2015
Messages
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I have told him I won't tollerate it and I call him on it and make it clear when he had upset me :) this was a few days ago
 
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CuppaTea3456

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2015
Messages
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I am worried he might somehow see this and think I exagerated or was just "slagging him off", I am just trying to explain as best I can anf genuinely just want to know why he feels this way. Also worried that I know you now, I'm sure I know someone who uses the username purple chaos :s
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
It must be hard for both of you at times. Any serious mental illness is hard for both the sufferer and those close.

Maybe he sees it as acting out or yes, it could be low self-esteem or feelings of insecurity but there are ways to deal with this that don't involve hurting your feelings or joking at your expense.

Perhaps ignore him, or walk away, when he says something rude or pokes fun. I don't think anyone should have to tolerate behaviour that could effect their own self-esteem. It's not on.

I hope you manage to sort it out.

Purple Chaos is just a username I made up for this forum that kind of suited my personality (I'm not a member of any other forums/websites) - anything else related has nothing to do with me :) I said to someone a while ago that it might have been a good idea to Google it first. Hindsight... :)
 
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CuppaTea3456

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2015
Messages
10
It is hard for both. I'm sure I must do things that wind him up or annoy him. I dont think he means to be upsetting, perhaps just doesnt know any different? I just wondered if others had ecperienced similar or been told similar by a loved one.
 
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