High risk

Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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The last view days are really hard. I am now 19 days free of SH. But I do a lot of stupid and dangerous stuff to get a high.

A view days ago I walked into the jungle in Thailand. With a guide and my husband. We walked up 1,5 km high in the mountain in the middle of the jungle. The last 500 meters we had to climb over rockes 2000 meters high without a rope. One step wrong and I was gone.. it felt like the egde of the world. Between life and dead..

A sat there for 15 minutes. Waiting, thinking and wondering. A human can fly once in a lifetime. It was beautiful up there.. but I got scared of thinking about that.

I am scared I do more stupid stuff like that.. I have nightmares of falling of the mountain now. Flashbacks of myself on the edge..

I want to SH so bad.. I tried to use something .. but it doesn't work. Have no things with me to do it anyway..

I don't want to sh because of the scars..but if I am going to do stupid stuff idk anymore..

Need someone to talk to.. scared of myself
 
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Z

Zoe1

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I used to have these urges
and I have turned it into something safer,
so I now go paragliding sometimes
so I get to fly , but with a wing holding me up
and I go with proper instructors

I only do this once a year
but it really helps with my self destructive urges

I hope you feel better later

:hug:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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#_* arrgggh FK ***** ******
So mad at myself
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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I know even I don't want to but I do.. idk how to explain.. I have nobody to talk to that understands my feelings. It's just to much..

I can't do the mask thing anymore.. mij wall is falling down. Mn so done..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Great now I feel sick.. allergisch ruining my sleep.. so tired 😭 I just want to be alone and cry.
I hate my fk body..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Feel so fk angry.. I want to punish myself. Breaking stuff, scream, cry and drink a lot till I pass out.. can't deal with myself anymore..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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your not a monster :hug:
I feel like I am. Something from inside that doesn't want me to be happy. The monster that is there when I enjoy something.. I v can't.. it gives me the feeling that I lie. And other people think I lie because if I enjoy something I can't be depressed...

I feel like someone is behind me looking over my shoulder if I'm misserble enough.. when I don't I get the urge to SH
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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I feel like I am. Something from inside that doesn't want me to be happy. The monster that is there when I enjoy something.. I v can't.. it gives me the feeling that I lie. And other people think I lie because if I enjoy something I can't be depressed...

I feel like someone is behind me looking over my shoulder if I'm misserble enough.. when I don't I get the urge to SH
you dont deserve to be miserable, you deserve to be happy :hug:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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you dont deserve to be miserable, you deserve to be happy :hug:
Thank you for being there. :grouphug:
It's horrible to feel the need to be sad all the time.. but my head only gets silence when I do..

I try to get better, try to talk to my husband but how more effort I put in getting healthy and open how stronger the urge to fall back..

It's not crazy.. iv I am sad already.. my head reminds my of all the stuff I did wrong of possibly are going to do wrong..

If I lissen to my head I would SH. Stop eating and lock myself up in my bedroom.. so nobody has to worried about me anymore.. or see how bad I've become..
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm so sorry you are struggling, do you have much support? Do you have a mental health care team looking after you?
Hope you heal very soon.
Take care
 
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Zoe1

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please dont hurt yourself
we are here to listen and support

:hug5:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Hi,
I'm so sorry you are struggling, do you have much support? Do you have a mental health care team looking after you?
Hope you heal very soon.
Take care
No I have not a mental health care team. I'm on my own
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Today I almost died 3 times.

Today we did want to do a buggedlist thing, surfing. So we drove to the sea and payed for a lesson. First we tried on the land. We did get the info we needed and then we jumpt into the sea.

I noticed my arms where feeling weak but desided to do it anyway. I was barely half in the sea and was already seasick. Good start 🤣

Well there we went. Do what we had practiced. The first wave works well. I mean I am not standing on the board of course. I mean I am me and I fall of course from my board. 🤣

Again I climb on the board. There came a huge wave. I try to stand fall of halfway and get deep in the wave. So deep that when I came out the water with my head the new wave came over me and I didn't have time to breathe. I really thought I was going to die. I swallowed so much seawater that I almost trow up. Big panic attack.

And then you have to get back on your board and do it again. I tried a few more times, but again I swollowed so much water in and those waves pushed so hard. I really couldn't breath.

So I'm sitting on my board. Feeling sick like helI when I said we're going back I'm going to throw up. The man who had been laughing at me for 15 minutes saw that I meant it and helped me back.

If you think that's easy, you're wrong... So I am paddling back. But my arms just wouldn't work anymore. I was so tired... the man loosened my ankle bracelet and asked me: can you swim? He said you go and I will take your board with me.

Most stupid idea ever. Swimming was just as heavy but now I couldn't have a break. The the next Big wave. Again I fell all over again. Again panic attack... almost to the side where I could finally stand. I thought yes I am there (stood up to my waist in the water).

A huge wave picked me up and smashed me hard on the beach. The pressure of the water so high really 2 more times and I was not alive anymore.. the people on the beach all where shocked. The only thing I thought was: I made it out alive and don't trow up.

Never knew that water was so powerful.. Now 1,5 hours later and I can't stop shaking. It was so traumatic.. I never go into the rough sea again.

Conclusion: Never again!
 
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Zoe1

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good story

Im glad you're OK , yes waves can be very powerful like that
I too have felt them
are you glad you survived ?

:hug5:
 
TiredTina

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This may be of some help to you. Give them a call and see if they can help, I hope they can.

The Samaritans of Thailand, Bangkok
Thai: ? (02) 713-6793 (12 noon – 10:00 pm)
English: ? (02) 713-6791 (24 hours/day)
The Samaritans of Thailand, Chiang Mai
? (053) 225-977/8 (7:00 pm – 10 pm Mon, Tues, Thurs, Sat)
 
vanish

vanish

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Surfing sounds like it could be very traumatic, especially in you’re not confident. I’m glad you’re okay!
 
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