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Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
The last view days are really hard. I am now 19 days free of SH. But I do a lot of stupid and dangerous stuff to get a high.

A view days ago I walked into the jungle in Thailand. With a guide and my husband. We walked up 1,5 km high in the mountain in the middle of the jungle. The last 500 meters we had to climb over rockes 2000 meters high without a rope. One step wrong and I was gone.. it felt like the egde of the world. Between life and dead..

A sat there for 15 minutes. Waiting, thinking and wondering. A human can fly once in a lifetime. It was beautiful up there.. but I got scared of thinking about that.

I am scared I do more stupid stuff like that.. I have nightmares of falling of the mountain now. Flashbacks of myself on the edge..

I want to SH so bad.. I tried to use something .. but it doesn't work. Have no things with me to do it anyway..

I don't want to sh because of the scars..but if I am going to do stupid stuff idk anymore..

Need someone to talk to.. scared of myself
 
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Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,032
Location
Nowhere
I used to have these urges
and I have turned it into something safer,
so I now go paragliding sometimes
so I get to fly , but with a wing holding me up
and I go with proper instructors

I only do this once a year
but it really helps with my self destructive urges

I hope you feel better later

:hug:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
#_* arrgggh FK ***** ******
So mad at myself
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
I know even I don't want to but I do.. idk how to explain.. I have nobody to talk to that understands my feelings. It's just to much..

I can't do the mask thing anymore.. mij wall is falling down. Mn so done..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
Great now I feel sick.. allergisch ruining my sleep.. so tired 😭 I just want to be alone and cry.
I hate my fk body..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
Feel so fk angry.. I want to punish myself. Breaking stuff, scream, cry and drink a lot till I pass out.. can't deal with myself anymore..
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
your not a monster :hug:
I feel like I am. Something from inside that doesn't want me to be happy. The monster that is there when I enjoy something.. I v can't.. it gives me the feeling that I lie. And other people think I lie because if I enjoy something I can't be depressed...

I feel like someone is behind me looking over my shoulder if I'm misserble enough.. when I don't I get the urge to SH
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
10,298
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I feel like I am. Something from inside that doesn't want me to be happy. The monster that is there when I enjoy something.. I v can't.. it gives me the feeling that I lie. And other people think I lie because if I enjoy something I can't be depressed...

I feel like someone is behind me looking over my shoulder if I'm misserble enough.. when I don't I get the urge to SH
you dont deserve to be miserable, you deserve to be happy :hug:
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Netherlands
you dont deserve to be miserable, you deserve to be happy :hug:
Thank you for being there. :grouphug:
It's horrible to feel the need to be sad all the time.. but my head only gets silence when I do..

I try to get better, try to talk to my husband but how more effort I put in getting healthy and open how stronger the urge to fall back..

It's not crazy.. iv I am sad already.. my head reminds my of all the stuff I did wrong of possibly are going to do wrong..

If I lissen to my head I would SH. Stop eating and lock myself up in my bedroom.. so nobody has to worried about me anymore.. or see how bad I've become..
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,029
Location
England
Hi,
I'm so sorry you are struggling, do you have much support? Do you have a mental health care team looking after you?
Hope you heal very soon.
Take care
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,032
Location
Nowhere
please dont hurt yourself
we are here to listen and support

:hug5:
 
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