High pressure job/Suicide/Problems...Help!

[medsn]

Hi there everyone.
I guess I should start by introducing/explaining myself. Im male, 21.

Well, I've suffered with what I previously believed to be depression for as long as I can remember, but only recently had it confirmed medically.
In December of last year things came to a head and I finally went to the docs and told them I was feeling suicidal and needed help. I was perscribed Citalopram but due to work, wasn't able to take them (they made me v ill).
Jump forward a few weeks and mid January things all get a bit too much. After being out one night I get home and take all of the Citaloprapm with the sole intent being to end it all. A friend comes over and takes me to the hospital where after a few hours, I stupidly discharge myself and am told that they will be in contact in the morning with a view to putting me in contact with a mental health worker.

Ok, skip a month or two..
I get offered a great job in France and take it.
It lasts 4 weeks. The depression completely consumes me and forces me to come home. Now I'm back in my hometown living with my mum and am finding it really hard, having not lived at home for five years.

Anyway, I finally found my dream job, Head Chef.
Its brilliant and at my age, Im extremely lucky. Its the perfect job for me, but after just 2 weeks of working there I've been driven back to the edge. I work 60+ hours a week and do nothing but work/sleep. The pressure is unbelievable. I have so many people breathing down my neck and NEED to make a good impression, especially in these early days.
After just one week I found myself at home on the floor clutching all the pills I could find, seriously considering giving up. I don't know how or why, but I snapped out of it and lasted another week. Then, this Friday just gone, it crept up on me again.
I lay in bed crying all morning dreading going in. I phoned my mum at work telling her I didnt feel safe and she took me straight to my GP who saw me there and then.
He was ridiculous. His solution to me feeling suicidal was to suggest a new course of medication. My point to him was that it wasn't immediate enough. I felt suicidal NOW, not in 5 weeks time. So he referred me to the CRISIS team who came out and visited me on the Saturday and the Sunday. Both visits were incredibly awkward and Im not too sure exactly what I should be telling them.
I went for a consultation/first session with a psychologist today which was tedious to say the least; same old questions and same old responses. How can they possibly judge me without seeing me at my lowest?
I have another meeting with CRISIS on thursday, and a second meeting with the psychologist on tuesday but what am I supposed to do in the meantime.
Work know I am ill and have so far been relatively supportive and kept quiet, but I got a text message today asking for updates etc.
What am I supposed to say/do? If I go back right now, I know I'll end up back at square one, but if I don't, I might loose the job. No contracts have been signed yet, I'd have no leg to stand on.
The CRISIS team have recommended I get a sick note from my GP this week, but the longer I postpone going back to work, the more I stress about going back in the future. It's a catch 22 situation where I loose every time.
Whatever I do, I loose.

Sorry for bombarding you all with so much information in my first real post. I've been a visitor for a while now and though it was about time I got actively involved.
Thanks again everyone, medsn

 

[Dollit]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I know that your GP's offer of different medication sounded stupid but getting the right medication is pretty much a hit and miss affair and if you're that low it's often the first thing that is suggested. It can be very helpful - coming off a medication that was wrong for me and going on to a different one saved me more than once.

I went for a consultation/first session with a psychologist today which was tedious to say the least; same old questions and same old responses. How can they possibly judge me without seeing me at my lowest?
I have another meeting with CRISIS on thursday, and a second meeting with the psychologist on tuesday but what am I supposed to do in the meantime.

The thing about seeing pychs etc for the first time is that they need your history and they need to hear you tell it. Sure they'll have information but it doesn't tell them about your body language or how switched on you are. The onus does tend to be on us to tell them how bad we are at our lowest - a lot of responsibility is given to us to get the right message across and it's difficult at times, bloody impossible at others.

I know that you seem to feel abandoned between seeing people at the moment but you're actually getting quite a lot of help. In between times you can do the things that my consultant has me do - keep safe, eat properly & regularly, medication, meditation, exercise - even if it's only a short walk and sleep, but not through the day.

As for work - if it's contributing to the way you feel then it's part of the problem and not part of the solution. I had bad problems working in a high profile job, travelling a lot, I had tons of responsibility but I finally did go bang I went bang with style.

Keep coming back and posting, it's hard trying to get well and it's harder still trying to do the right thing but remember that you're the important person in your life.

 

[medsn]

Firstly, Thanks for your reply
I agree with the work comment, buts its a bitter pill to swallow. I know that its bringing me down, but I don't want to accept it. I'm my own worst enemy.
medsn

 

[Dollit]

None of us accept things easily especially when it's about the one thing we love the most working against us. You'll get to where you need to be to make a decision and as long as it's your decision ultimately acceptance will come.

 

[edc]

Your predicament has touched me. I too am fortunate in having found the dream job. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe that I get paid to do what I do. In addition I have a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter.

However as in your case, depression and its effects can be all-consuming. I have recently been prescribed citalopram and found the early side effects to be deeply unpleasant (horrible taste in mouth, shakiness, nausea etc) but pushed through all that, and after 2 or 3 weeks felt much better. I'd summarise the result now as being able to enjoy life again rather than feeling that horrible sense of dread that I guess everyone who suffers from depression feels almost all the time. I contrast this with a feeling of terrible hopelessness coupled with aggression and loss of inhibition that I experienced several years ago when prescribed sertraline.

I suppose that there are two things - medication is a very personal thing - efficacy can't be predicted, but we need to give things time to work before giving up - say 3 or 4 weeks. Secondly you're not alone. You'll see lots of people who feel the same way - that pervading sense of hopelessness that just won't go away. Believe me, as somebody who was ready to check out of this life but has now managed to stabilise their condition. There is hope. With the right medication and support you can get back on track. You're young and obviously highly successful and well regarded by your colleagues. Give yourself some time to recover. Suspend your scepticism as to the treatment you've been offered so far. Give any medication a month to work or not to work. It's amazing how powerful the effect of an increased amount of sertonin hanging around your synapses can be when you start taking SSRIs.

Another thing is to try and spend as much time outdoors as possible - maybe even some activity like running or cycling. Sounds silly but it really helped me.

There's nothing wrong with you that can't be treated, but sometimes it can take a while to really find a medication that works and even an understanding doctor. I wish I could help you more. Please let me know if I can.

Best of luck my friend.

 

[Nutter_09]

Sorry you have had such a hard time. I can't believe you have done all this and am only 21! I am 23 and have nothing near to what you have been suffering.
Personally, I think that work has to come last when you are suffering with depression. In my situation, I was signed off for 6 weeks and my employers were not understanding and kept telling me once I was there it would all be fine. In the end I gave up and handed in my notice.
It sounds like your Mum is very supportive and I think te best thing is to just look after yourself and think about the future when you are feeling much better. If you take on too much, you will crash and burn and thats no good for you.
If you had a broken leg or something serious, would you have all these worries?

This is just my opinion but I hope it helps in some way.

Take care

 

[KP1]

If your GP signs you off for a fortnight this might give you a breathing space.
Like others have said on he persevere with the treatment,depression is a powerful unpleasant illness that you need time and treatment to recover from.
Take care.
KP

 

[zamanmsnuk]

hi
ask your gp for cognitive behavior therapy as medecine a lone is not the cure
for a start try an online computer programme www moodgym this helped me alot

good luck