G
grace68
Well-known member
i posted this on the 'fear of getting well thread', but i really think it sums up my struggle with bipolar. i'm wondering if other people have had similar experiences ?
it's like i got really poorly, have had to accept (again, this has happened several times) that yes, i do REALLY have Bi-polar, and that i must take the lithium, and STAY on it. but now, as the crisis passes and the depression starts to lift, i start to panic. i want to give my job up, but if my depression is better, then i will be expected to work again.
now , i just want to say to everyone, "hey, i've got bi-polar- you can't expect anything much from me. you can't expect long-term commitment, because i can never know whether i might get depressed again, and not be able to function."
thats how i'm feeling now.
when i get to feeling better for a while, then i tend to strongly resent the bi-polar diagnosis, and the lithium, so i come off-meds, deny i have bi-polar, and become totally over-confident. i go on like that for several months, becoming hypo-manic (manic but not psychotic)- until, eventually, i crash down into depression , again.
i just don't want this repetitive cycle ever again. so , i guess it feels safer to hide behind the bi-polar diagnosis, use it as an excuse, and by doing so, lower mine, and everybody else's expectations of me. so , yes- i have a huge fear of getting well.
it's like i got really poorly, have had to accept (again, this has happened several times) that yes, i do REALLY have Bi-polar, and that i must take the lithium, and STAY on it. but now, as the crisis passes and the depression starts to lift, i start to panic. i want to give my job up, but if my depression is better, then i will be expected to work again.
now , i just want to say to everyone, "hey, i've got bi-polar- you can't expect anything much from me. you can't expect long-term commitment, because i can never know whether i might get depressed again, and not be able to function."
thats how i'm feeling now.
when i get to feeling better for a while, then i tend to strongly resent the bi-polar diagnosis, and the lithium, so i come off-meds, deny i have bi-polar, and become totally over-confident. i go on like that for several months, becoming hypo-manic (manic but not psychotic)- until, eventually, i crash down into depression , again.
i just don't want this repetitive cycle ever again. so , i guess it feels safer to hide behind the bi-polar diagnosis, use it as an excuse, and by doing so, lower mine, and everybody else's expectations of me. so , yes- i have a huge fear of getting well.
