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FrontPageGirl

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
2
Ciao everyone.

Obviously, I'm new to the site and was brought here because I'm at my wit's end.

I know I have an obsessive personality; it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I find something (a movie, TV show, actor, book, you name it) my life revolves around it. Everything I talk about, collect, buy, even think about is that particular subject. In short, it's complete and utter obsession and irritates those around me.

I also have "rituals" that I must follow or I won't be satisfied (to put it lightly). I have 2 alarms I set four times each every night. When I log onto the internet, I must visit the same 6 websites in a certain order. I must sit at the same table in the dining hall at the same time every morning or else I have to skip breakfast. There're a lot more, but I haven't the time or patience to list them all.

This may sound odd, but sometimes I hear voices. They're not talking to me, but rather to each other. For example, I'll be sitting in the library and will hear two people talk to each other about sociology (or something like that), and I'll look to where I hear the voices, and the room is completely empty. The other day, I was at home in my bedroom and heard a man and woman walk in through the front door, talking. No one was home but my mother and I and she told me to stop telling her when these things happen as they scare her.

I feel like I'm either way ahead for my age (I'm 19 and a college sophomore) or alarmingly behind. I have no desire to party or drink, which is rare, but normal for someone my age. But, I find that I'm having more and more trouble socializing with people. I was at my sister's school play this weekend and sitting in front of me were two of my friends from high school. All of the sudden, I hated them with a passion and when they came over to say hello after the show, I ignored them with an icy glare. My mother says that she hates being in public with me because I'm "rude and embarrassing," which I suppose I am. I sing, quote movies, etc in public because I desire the attention. I love to entertain. But, according to others, I'm "rude to people." I'm simply blunt and tell people when I am no longer interested in what they have to say.

I can't help it though; I hate people and always have. It's come to the point where I can no longer be around them. My ideal life is that of being a recluse (but I've yet to find a way to fund it). I don't know how I'll ever be able to have a job; I simply cannot function in this world. School in itself is miserable. I desperately want to drop out but do not have a back-up plan.

What friends I did have, I've spent the last few years getting rid of. Like Garbo said in "Grand Hotel", "I want to be alone."

During one of my classes, we were discussing literary criticism, and the subject of "adult nature" (if you catch my drift) in criticism came up. I couldn't handle it. I'm against all sorts of "stuff" like that (I've never even held hands with a boy and never will. I find that sort of stuff disgusting) and found myself writing "People are filthy, but I'm a lady" over and over again in my notebook. I'm proudly still a virgin and would sooner kill myself than engage in "adult acts" (I was never abused as a child nor had any traumatizing experiences of the sort. I don't know where this idea came from...).

I get angry extremely fast, but it doesn't last for long. But when I'm mad, it's terrible. I say things I'd never say normally and say words that would make a sailor blush. Once, I nearly attacked someone, and then lied my way out of it. I'm also a terrible liar. I lie about the most inconsequential things. If someone asks me what I had for breakfast, I'll lie and say that I skipped breakfast. Like it really matters if they know I had a bagel. It's so odd.

As for life, I feel like I've lived it all and seen it all (which is strange, considering I've lived a sheltered and safe life). I'm completely bored with life and the idea of death doesn't scare me. I've lived through so many attempts at death that I'm starting to believe that I'm immortal (sorry...I have to have a bit of humor in my life or else I'd explode. Some people find it offensive, though).

I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel as though I don't fit in with this generation; I hate technology, am staunchly against alcohol, drugs, and "illicit activities", bad language, I hate the music that's listened to, the movies made, the TV shows shown.

I feel like a mixture of Holden Caufield ("Catcher in the Rye"), Baby Jane Hudson ("What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?") and Norma Desmond ("Sunset Blvd."). I've never seen a doctor about my problems and am terribly afraid.

I feel as though I don't want help, because in a sick way, I'm happy the way I am.
 
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Dollit

Guest
Well all that's been waiting to come out a while I think.

Diagnosis often puts a label on people. For me it put a label on something else and allowed me as a person to define what was the illness and what was me and to work through that.

I was antisocial and can still be rude, bad tempered and just plain arrogant when it suits me - though I do keep a lid on it most of the time when I'm on here.

You say you feel as though you don't want help because you're happy as you are but you're posting on here which to me sounds like you do want help you're just not sure how.

Keep posting and get to know yourself as well as other people and then make your decision.
 
F

FrontPageGirl

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
2
You say you feel as though you don't want help because you're happy as you are but you're posting on here which to me sounds like you do want help you're just not sure how.

Keep posting and get to know yourself as well as other people and then make your decision.
That really put things into perspective for me, Dollit. I think it all boils down to the fact that I don't know whether I need help or not, to say. I've spent a lifetime being told that these "idiosyncrasies" are merely me being "dramatic" or, as a result of "watching too many *expletive* movies."

Part of me feels as though something is wrong, but the other part echoes of that all-too repeated "...just get over it...".

I suppose though, that if one questions whether or not they need help, they should probably at least try.

That being said, the person in question needs to get over stubbornness and nervousness.
 
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Nutter_09

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
136
Location
Middlesex
Hi and welcome,

Im new here too but personally I think if you are happy with how you are and don't want help then don't worry. That may sound awfull to others and may just be my state of mind - but i think that you should only do what you are ready and comfortable to do.
I would talk to a doctor or councellor and see what they have to offer - no pressure and just take it from there.
Never be ashamed or embarrised of how you feel, your you and as long as your happy.

Take care
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Welcome frontpagegirl and nutter09

:welcome:
 
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