• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hi

G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Hi everyone, I am a bit worried about coming here and writing. I've been trying to avoid this diagnosis but it's eating up my life. I thought if I took the meds I could put everything behind me but nope, it's always there. I wanted to go back to work and pretend none of the horrible stuff ever happened. I've not managed to get back to work. I've lost everything. My job. Much of my family and friends. They are very distant now. I've lost me. Lost my reputation. I'm lonely. I lost every boyfriend with every episode. I won't have a wedding or baby. Or am I being negative?

I've come here to be with you all. I need relationships even if they are via my phone. I hope I can make some friends.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hi everyone, I am a bit worried about coming here and writing. I've been trying to avoid this diagnosis but it's eating up my life. I thought if I took the meds I could put everything behind me but nope, it's always there. I wanted to go back to work and pretend none of the horrible stuff ever happened. I've not managed to get back to work. I've lost everything. My job. Much of my family and friends. They are very distant now. I've lost me. Lost my reputation. I'm lonely. I lost every boyfriend with every episode. I won't have a wedding or baby. Or am I being negative?

I've come here to be with you all. I need relationships even if they are via my phone. I hope I can make some friends.
Hello and :welcome:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you won't be lonely forever.

Unfortunately, meds aren't a fix-all; you need to have a combination of things, usually, to properly heal and recover. Are you having any kind of talking therapy along with it? Meds will help you to function on a day-to-day basis, but they won't do anything for the underlying psychological scarring - whatever that may be for you.

I hope you find this forum useful and supportive. I definitely have.

I hope one day you can return to work. I'm sure you're able to find what you want. :)
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
The psychological scarring keeps bringing on relapse. Wounds like those are exposed at the moment with all that is going on in my life. A bit of salt being sprinkled ln them with the threat of the whole bag being dumped on me. If that happened I don't think I would go out at all. I'd give up again.

I can only just afford things that are dealing with underlying issues and my money may be cut soon. I take Lamotrigine and it is working well but onoy just. I reached moderate mania at the start of the year and since that finished I have been moderately depressed. Days seem impossible. I feel I am being prevented from crashing which is a comfort. A safety net if you like.

I'm concerned about every thing else going on for me. I'm not sure how much more resilience I have spare. It's running low.

My life is a very sad thing. Very empty. It's all gone wrong and I'm on a slippery slope.
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi Golden

Welcome to the forum. :welcome:

This is a good place to come, to find friends and support. I hope you will find it as helpful as I have.

I don't know if you are in the UK, if you are please have a look at the local forums, they are being updated to show groups no activities in local areas, which some members find helpful. Some mental health charities like Mind and Rethink also have local services in some areas, it can include access to counselling or therapy or befriending services, or places you can go for activities or just a coffee. Some psychotherapists/counsellors also provide some lower cost slots for people on low income. It is always worth asking.

Best wishes, Sarah
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
I meant to say, don't give up. Many people find things do get easier, and they can live the life they want despite having mental health problems.

Sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. I hope things will get better for you soon.

Sarah x
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
How do you get over a life of suffering? I'm on a downward slope of depressive twists on my life but actually I have been living a nightmare. I want it all to be over but I have to stick it out. With each straw on my back I find it harder to get back up again. I don't know how to escape my thinking. It's like quicksand.

Counselling is cheap here. I am scared of opening up though.
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
There are no easy answers. I struggle myself. It is just small steps, and keep trying. Having things to do each day, trying to,get some structure back into life, little,moments that are worthwhile when most things don't seem to be.

If you try counselling what have you got,to,lose? If you don't feel a rapport with the first one, try another. There is a chance it can really help. Start slowly, you don't have to open up about everything at once.

Coming on the forum is a first step, talking to people like this is anonymous, but you get to know people a bit and become online friends. And members have been through or still go through similar things, so you are talking to someone who understands what it is like.
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
How do you get over a life of suffering? I'm on a downward slope of depressive twists on my life but actually I have been living a nightmare. I want it all to be over but I have to stick it out. With each straw on my back I find it harder to get back up again. I don't know how to escape my thinking. It's like quicksand.

Counselling is cheap here. I am scared of opening up though.
You have to be kind to yourself. Often the heaviest burdens are those we lay on ourselves, and when you are feeling down its important not to add more to a load that may already be straining our ability to cope. Use whatever tools you have to make yourself feel better - hobbies, aromatherapy, acupuncture, mindfulness, metta meditation, anything - and if you don't have any, try getting some more. Each day is a fresh new one, each moment is an opportunity to feel ok. Create room for yourself in the here and now, away from your oppressive history.

Then you can gain some strength for yourself, and move into counselling and opening up from there. It doesn't have to be done all at once. But it is important to preserve a little space and good feeling for yourself outside of the process, just in case it doesn't give you what you want.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Hi. I gave up earlier and returned to bed. I rang a friend and cried for an hour before crawling on my hands and knees into my lounge. I turned on the tele, washed up and had a bath. That's how you keep going I think. Tele means you have company. A clean kitchen helps. Fresh air circulating gives you a breeze on your skin. Then I read what you have said to me and I know I'm not alone. I know you get it. I hope I can offer help back to you one day.

I'm going to do things for myself tonight starting with some quiche and milk.
 
W

Waverunner

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2,195
Sounds like a plan Golden. Hang in there.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I am numb. Exhausted. I'm depressed but Lamotrigine is preventing me from crashing. I wonder how strong lamotrigine actually is under incredible strain. I am putting a lot of stress on myself but I don't know how to stop. I have got to the point of shutting everyone out now. My mum wasn't there for me today so now I'm shutting her out. I might be protecting her from my despair as I know she doesn't understand it. I keep thinking I will do something to get me admitted and spill everything. I'm not sure how that'd go down. I can't even think about that. I'm in a nightmare and I need peace and no stress. I'm so low. I don't know how I can get up when I have the whole world on my shoulders. I'm so alone and I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I'm drowning in my past. It's real despair but there is a depressed take on it. I cannot stand it but there is no way out. I can't live anymore but I can't commit suicide either. Sick joke.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Staying alive is a 24/7 job. I'm dreading the day.
 
G

glimmerofhope

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 4, 2015
Messages
128
I know what you mean. I always tell people I have a full time job. It's called bipolar disorder.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I will pinch that line if you don't mind glimmerofhope. Have you been off work long? It's really hard to keep esa now. I'm worried about the future. My last assessor said that bipolar disorder is fixed with medication and thdn you go back to work. That's not been my experience. Mood stabilisers keep you alive and out of hospital but they are not a magic wand.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I've slept much of the day courtesy of my prn. I do feel better for it even though in a couple of days it'll look like I have a bad case of adhd for a few days before I level out again. Or maybe not. The incessant chatter has quietened but I have no desire to do any of my hobbies nor watch tele. I might put a movie on in the background and light my nes yankee candle I got for my birthday. Forget me not it's called.

I'd love to have a few friends or even strangers sitting in around me drinking tea and eating biscuits. When did life get like this and will it ever change? I am beginning to come through whatever I've been going through but that doesn't mean all is well. The rug can be pulled from under me in a flash.
 
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