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hi, this is me x

J

jimbowag

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2010
Messages
9
Hi, i am glad that i have found this place, as i was starting to feel alone in my sadness. I am 41 and have just had the year from hell. My wife went off with the postman (i know it is funny i supppose) But she didnt just go she made me feel like i was the one in the wrong. My 15 yr old daughter decided to stay with me and i suppose i owe it to her that i am still here. It was her face in my mind that stopped me driving off the road.
All of the last years crap has made me look at my life. I look back and i have been depressed for years, since i was a kid i think. I am on meds and being seen by the mental heath team. This has helped me and i was starting to feel better. Even got my self a lovely girlfriend.
My problem is i cant cope with day to day. I am living for the weekends when i can see my girlfriend. Day to day letters bills cooking and washing are really getting to me again. (my nurse had sorted all my post and helped tidy up before)
I am sat now in bed and have been here all day. I dream crap dreams where i am made to feel wrong or to blame for the breakup. I feel so messed up.
Am i wrong in feeling like this. I just would like to live a life where i dont have to deal with day to day crap....just cant cope. How can i expect someone to want me if they end up just having to care for me and look after me like a kid.

I wonder what is wrong with me as i can be so low one day and then when i am with my girlfriend or daughter doing something i can feel so up. I just want to escape this life, feel like i am on a roundabout and i want to get off. I have pasted some writing that i did one day this year when i was down it is below

My life

How I sit listening to the rain
Its music in my brain
I watch as its beauty drops towards death
Each drop dies but gives life
Each drop carrying a dream
My Dreams

How I wish to be that boy again, sitting with legs hanging out of
The window watching!
I could drop like the rain, but I just sit
I wonder where I am going as I watch the rain drop to its death

Being that boy, sitting without a care in the world as I watch dreams fall
But I sit in utter sadness in the knowledge that is what life is all about

You live to be accepted and liked
You live to achieve
You live to dream
Or do we dream to live?
I don’t know, either way life seems to be falling in those droplets of rain

Now as an adult I realise that those days spent watching and listening were just the start
Being confused!
Like the rain I feel on my head as I sit and watch it fall into the sea
Each wave collects those dreams and with each crash of the waves they are gone

I can’t get back to being a boy even though I know it won’t help,
I want to!

I want time to stand still as I wonder the fields of flowers
Listen to the birds and feel the rain
I want to feel the calm as the world stops its ever increasing spin
I think of the days I wondered why?

We must be here for something or are we just rain dropping with our dreams to be collected by the sea or sand

Why does life fill me with such dread?
The dread that stops me being able to function.
The dread that you can’t explain
Seeing all the lost souls of your life before you
The loves that have gone but you try to keep hold of


Or is this just me, big dreams
Am I still sitting, watching. Do we all do the same?

I want to sit as the sun goes down
Sit on the sand that collects those dreams
I want to feel the dreams hitting me until I am soaked
But all around the sea crashes those dreams, like life itself

For what purpose are we here?
Why am I that boy?
Why do I not find one drop that is meant for me?

The drops to say why I am here
Maybe those drops don’t exist
Maybe we don’t exist
Or is that all we do is exist?!!!!

When I sit and wonder now, it’s not in amazement at the world
I sit with such utter sadness
Sadness for a world of sadness
Sadness for a world of hate
What can we do?
I know I want my sadness to end
For the world to stop spinning
I want to listen and feel

Can I just get off this roundabout?
Is there room on the outside for me as that’s where I belong
On the outside!
Let me off please
Let me sit and watch
Let me just be me
Watch me; I am that droplet falling, falling into the waves to meet all of the other dreams.

Does any of this make sense to anyone, i hope so as i am just fed up with life.
Thanks for reading a ramble of a post
jim
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
:welcome: jimbowag.

Your post does make some sense to me. I hope you found it helpful to type your thoughts out and that you find the forum supportive. :)
 
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