• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

hi, not sure what to say apart from hi!

J

jimbowag

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2010
Messages
9
I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words or onto paper. All i know is that i am depressed. Some people say that i'm just a bit down....
What do they know!
Yes i have had a crap year with my life being turned upside down. My wife left me for another bloke and then gave me so much hassle. I'm lucky i know, because my 15 yr old daughter wanted to live with me and does.
This in itself is great but also so hard. With out her i dont doubt i would not be here now.
I havent worked properly now for months, i work on my own in the building trade. I have work to do, but the utter dred of going to work is stopping me even booking customers in. If my phone goes just yell at it to F*** **F
My day to day is just that, i get my daughter to school and then i really could not say what i do till she comes home. We have some dinner and then its back on my pc. I spend hours on here, just escaping. I feel like i want out.

I have always had down feelings all my life, they have been very bad at times but i almost learnt to hide them from people. But that tires me out!
I have always had this feeling of not fitting in. People say that i'm a lovely person and good company.

I have been on 40mg fluoxitine for over 6 months now, and i am now being seen by the local mental health team. I now also take olanzapine in the evening. But what i would like is to just pack a bag and disapear, i cant because of my daughter.

Just before xmas i was in a bad way and i have found that when i am like this i can write stuff, sometimes its totally random, but i just write it. I have attached below what i wrote. Its probably a load of rubbish, but its just how i feel.


My life

How I sit listening to the rain
Its music in my brain
I watch as its beauty drops towards death
Each drop dies but gives life
Each drop carrying a dream
My Dreams

How I wish to be that boy again, sitting with legs hanging out of
The window watching!
I could drop like the rain, but I just sit
I wonder where I am going as I watch the rain drop to its death

Being that boy, sitting without a care in the world as I watch dreams fall
But I sit in utter sadness in the knowledge that is what life is all about

You live to be accepted and liked
You live to achieve
You live to dream
Or do we dream to live?
I don’t know, either way life seems to be falling in those droplets of rain

Now as an adult I realise that those days spent watching and listening were just the start
Being confused!
Like the rain I feel on my head as I sit and watch it fall into the sea
Each wave collects those dreams and with each crash of the waves they are gone

I can’t get back to being a boy even though I know it won’t help,
I want to!

I want time to stand still as I wonder the fields of flowers
Listen to the birds and feel the rain
I want to feel the calm as the world stops its ever increasing spin
I think of the days I wondered why?

We must be here for something or are we just rain dropping with our dreams to be collected by the sea or sand

Why does life fill me with such dread?
The dread that stops me being able to function.
The dread that you can’t explain
Seeing all the lost souls of your life before you
The loves that have gone but you try to keep hold of


Or is this just me, big dreams
Am I still sitting, watching. Do we all do the same?

I want to sit as the sun goes down
Sit on the sand that collects those dreams
I want to feel the dreams hitting me until I am soaked
But all around the sea crashes those dreams, like life itself

For what purpose are we here?
Why am I that boy?
Why do I not find one drop that is meant for me?

The drops to say why I am here
Maybe those drops don’t exist
Maybe we don’t exist
Or is that all we do is exist?!!!!

When I sit and wonder now, it’s not in amazement at the world
I sit with such utter sadness
Sadness for a world of sadness
Sadness for a world of hate
What can we do?
I know I want my sadness to end
For the world to stop spinning
I want to listen and feel

Can I just get off this roundabout?
Is there room on the outside for me as that’s where I belong
On the outside!
Let me off please
Let me sit and watch
Let me just be me
Watch me; I am that droplet falling, falling into the waves to meet all of the other dreams.


Thanks for reading, does anyone understand how i feel?
Cheers James
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
Hi James..welcome to the forum...
im so sorry to hear what a rough time you have had...but you are a credit to us with bringing up your daughter..not an easy task for anyone as a single parent.
I hope you find the forum a helpful place to be..keep writing...there is always someone about and everyone is very friendly here.:welcome:
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
Hi and :welcome: to the Forum,hope you find it friendly and supportive.
Keep posting,

QF.
 
Top