- Dec 3, 2019
So something is really wrong with my brain. I can’t say this is the first time I have ever felt like this, but it seems to be worse each time it hits me. I don’t know when it started probably in childhood, but I didn’t have first really bad episode till the birth of my child 11 years ago. Doctors said it was postnatal, gave me some antidepressants, I felt worse on them to the point where I had an urge to kill myself, might have been just my anxiety though.I stopped taking them, eventually I got better, I had a baby to look after. But it wasn’t the last time I felt like that, I feel like it hits me out of nowhere, although when I look back there are always signs. Sometimes its just anxiety, sometimes both depression and anxiety. That’s what I’ve been diagnosed with, Ive been on antidepressants again, I’ve tried therapy. But I fell like my brain has its own mind, I look back and my behaviours sometimes scares me, ill get angry out of nowhere or have absolutely irrational thoughts or ideas. At the moment I feel like nothing around me is real, like I’m drowning underwater, I can’t breathe, death feels like something Id would welcome, but too scared to do it and can’t leave my son alone. I’m in therapy again, Im finding it absolutely useless, the lady just keeps talking about her own anxiety and honestly I can’t relate, I feel that she can’t feel what I feel. I’ve asked to be prescribed antidepressants again but Ive not taken them, because they make me feel so much crappier at least at first and Im not sure I can’t deal with that right now, Im afraid it will send my brain into a complete psychosis. I am so tired, I just wish someone would unplug me so I could rest. I don’t even want to feel happy again, because it’s all an illusion, weeks, months, years down the line I’d be back here again. I’m just all alone in my head and I want it to stop.