Hi. Not sure how this works or if anyone will even read this but here goes.

[Brigita]

So something is really wrong with my brain. I can’t say this is the first time I have ever felt like this, but it seems to be worse each time it hits me. I don’t know when it started probably in childhood, but I didn’t have first really bad episode till the birth of my child 11 years ago. Doctors said it was postnatal, gave me some antidepressants, I felt worse on them to the point where I had an urge to kill myself, might have been just my anxiety though.I stopped taking them, eventually I got better, I had a baby to look after. But it wasn’t the last time I felt like that, I feel like it hits me out of nowhere, although when I look back there are always signs. Sometimes its just anxiety, sometimes both depression and anxiety. That’s what I’ve been diagnosed with, Ive been on antidepressants again, I’ve tried therapy. But I fell like my brain has its own mind, I look back and my behaviours sometimes scares me, ill get angry out of nowhere or have absolutely irrational thoughts or ideas. At the moment I feel like nothing around me is real, like I’m drowning underwater, I can’t breathe, death feels like something Id would welcome, but too scared to do it and can’t leave my son alone. I’m in therapy again, Im finding it absolutely useless, the lady just keeps talking about her own anxiety and honestly I can’t relate, I feel that she can’t feel what I feel. I’ve asked to be prescribed antidepressants again but Ive not taken them, because they make me feel so much crappier at least at first and Im not sure I can’t deal with that right now, Im afraid it will send my brain into a complete psychosis. I am so tired, I just wish someone would unplug me so I could rest. I don’t even want to feel happy again, because it’s all an illusion, weeks, months, years down the line I’d be back here again. I’m just all alone in my head and I want it to stop.

 

[EstherRose94]

Aw hi Brigita I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way! First you sound exhausted. You need a spa day!

but in all seriousness you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and the people here will relate to parts or all of what you’ve been through. Anxiety and depression can be really hard to deal with, and they can cause the extreme feelings you’re having.

your therapist talks about herself though? That’s odd in my opinion. Maybe you need to find a therapist who is a better match for you.

you can conquer this and get better. I know you’re worried about this feeling coming back but you just need the tools to deal with it when it happens and then it won’t feel so scary next time or be so intense

 

[calypso]

I agree with everything EstherRose said, and especially your therapist! She sounds awful. There are good ones out there. Keep going back to the GP and tell them that the pills make you feel worse. I had to try 6 types before I found the ones which helped me. I am now on Mirtazepine which has the advantage if taken at night of knocking me out for the night. But I don't know if you have to be up with your child at all. I think you need sleep most of all as lack of sleep is the number one problem with most MH conditions.

When our brains do this to us it feels like we are going into psychosis but depression can mimic a lot of other conditions and still be depression. I really understand you saying that your brain seems to have a will of its own. I feel that way at times (I am diagnosed as bipolar) and its so upsetting at times.