• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hi, new here and thought I would share.

Chase1

Chase1

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Apr 23, 2020
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USA
Hi everyone, read a few posts on here and really appreciated the courage to share. I suffer from severe depression and OCD. I can be good for awhile but also know things are building quietly. Once they hit a limit, I experience a rock bottom climax. With months of helplessness where I need to recover and learn to accept losing everything I tried to build.

Really tried this time. But still had to quit my job even with everything going on in the world, knowing I likely won't find another. I just couldn't take the anxiety and had broken down many times earlier this year. Some of my problems are all or nothing thinking and ruminating intrusive thoughts. These are usually based around fears that everyone hates or is just using me. So I always need validation or else I'll eventually create a self-fulling prophecy. This has impacted and destroyed many relationships. I'm terrified to get emotionally invested in someone even if it's reciprocated because I just can't make things last with my insecurities. To try and prove worthy, I'll do anything to make someone happy. Same thing with work, I'll destroy myself to ge the job done in fear of failure.

Been getting professional help and thought it would also be good to post and hear from others. Been really scared this time and have felt alone. This week I've gone days without eating while stuck in my bed frozen with what if scenarios. Not sure where to go from here but will keep trying. Thank you for reading.
 
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Princess Zelda

Guest
Hello and welcome. :welcome: I'm sure you'll like this forum. The people here are all very nice.

I hope you find support. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Joined
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Messages
63
Location
USA
Thank you Zelda. Appreciate the welcome!
 
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Dispatch

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Feb 9, 2020
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650
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USA
Hey Chase welcome to the forum ... my 1st impression from reading your intro was that you go along very well at work up to a certain point and then wham ... anxiety and the all or nothing scenarios ... I was wondering ... is there any way of contacting your old company and see if they would consider taking you back ? ... assuming you would be up to it of course ?
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Apr 23, 2020
Messages
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USA
Thanks for the reply Dispatch. I think there would be hesitation from both sides at this point due to me not having a capable personality. So I think the honest answer is I just can't handle it until I figure out how to deal with myself.

I do usually do very well at first and then yeah Anxiety kicks in and I lose it. if I have emotional attachments at the time even more so do to trust issues.
 
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Dispatch

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right ... no, I get it ... well, it was just a thought ... on the other hand , there’s nothing like a fresh start ... whenever you’re ready
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Messages
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USA
Was a good thought, thank you again. It's one that keeps going through my head. I'm really liking the idea of a fresh start and think that's the way to go. Starting new medication tomorrow, hoping that will kick it off.
 
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Dispatch

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ah ... well there you go. I’m feeling the positivity 😄
 
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Dispatch

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I was just reading a thread concerning perfectionism ... and how it IMO is both a cause and a symptom of anxiety. Would you consider yourself a perfectionist ?
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Messages
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100%. I'll worry myself too much cause I could have done better and that the outcome will be others thinking I'm bad. So it's turns into an anxiety fear of myself and from others. Sometimes I'll be in a state of analysis paralysis cause I just don't think I can do something on a level.
 
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Dispatch

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Yes ... wow ... I was just thinking (basically going over my entire life ... at high speed) ... I never considered myself a perfectionist ... I’ve never really felt ‘perfect’ at anything I’ve done ... yet, the conflict I have in my head about perfection ... and the phrase ‘nobody’s perfect’ and knowing this to be true ... it doesn’t seem to stop my urge to want to be perfect ... but, here’s where it makes a left turn on me ... I realize I won’t be able to reach perfection , so ... I will avoid the situation if at all possible ... almost every time. So, the combination of the unattainable perfection and the avoidance behavior feeds right into my anxiety ... my anxiety manifests itself into anticipatory anxiety ... it’s maddening ... if I have an event coming up ... say a wedding to attend ... if I know about this event for let’s say 6 months ... I will begin running innumerable numbers if scenarios in my head about the event ... the closer it gets to the event date the more intense my anxiety ... there are too many times that I’d rather not think about ... but where I was so racked with anxiety, the best thing (I thought) was to not go ... just avoid the anxiety altogether ... but, this of course isn’t good at all ... then on comes the shame and embarrassment ... the calming down period, apologies when feeling better ... until, the cycle starts all over again ... with the ‘next’ event .... aaahhhh
I’m sorry I went on and on about this but I wanted to get it written down before I forgot it again ... I hope you don’t mind ... anyways, i think you can see I think perfectionism is a key player to anxiety ... at least in my case I believe so
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Joined
Apr 23, 2020
Messages
63
Location
USA
I can definitely relate. I would avoid countless social gatherings because of it.
 
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