Hi. I'm new...

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Ana87

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Hi,

I'm really struggling at the moment and I came across this place.

I've been self harming for about 20 years but had periods where I went a while without doing it. Recently (the last few months/year) I've started again. I know I'm stupid but I just hate myself so much; self harm seems like the only way I can punish myself. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to stop.

Sorry if I've said anything I shouldn't have.
 
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iliveinhell

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Hi, and welcome.
If I may ask, what made you start again? and why do you feel you need to be punished?
 
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Ana87

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Thank you. I'm not really sure. A combination of things such as work stress, family stuff and generally feeling rubbish about myself. I want to punish myself for eating and losing control or when I mess up.
 
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Ana87

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I also think, after so many years, it's become a habit. A coping mechanism I rely on whenever I feel bad.
 
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iliveinhell

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You never mess up Ana, you make mistakes ones you can try to never repeat. Think of it in music terms, no matter the note you are never more than a semi tone away.
I get that, feeling bad does make you pick up old habits. Personally I stopped for 2 years to fall back into it. Could you take some time off work and have a break from it, get away from family such as a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
 
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midnightphoenix

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:welcome:Hi Ana87 and welcome, we're all friendly here and its nice to meet you :hug:

You dont deserve to self harm :grouphug:

are you seeing anyone in real life for the self harm?
 
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Ana87

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You never mess up Ana, you make mistakes ones you can try to never repeat. Think of it in music terms, no matter the note you are never more than a semi tone away.
I get that, feeling bad does make you pick up old habits. Personally I stopped for 2 years to fall back into it. Could you take some time off work and have a break from it, get away from family such as a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
If you do not mind another question, in what ways do you tend to haem most?
I injure myself. I have hundreds of scars all over my body, which I feel so ashamed of.
 
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iliveinhell

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I think it may be more prudent to go into private therapy, here in the UK doctors are very bad in my experience for SH patients. Do not be ashamed of the scars, I have millions spanning what is it now 25 years I was ashamed of them so badly no one seen me without a long sleeve for 15 years. Until recently I got a tattoo of my daughters name and been the 1st liberating time not to have to feel ashamed. Those scars are memories of pain.
 
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Ana87

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I'm not sure I'm quite ready for help just yet. I don't think I'm far away; coming here was the first step.
I've considered getting tattoos to cover my arms. I bet it feels great to be able to show your arms.
 
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iliveinhell

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When you are ready find someone that will understand that to "see" them makes you feel naked. It does feel a bit good but also as recently done damage, people give me a lot of looks but on my less bad arm my tat is on there and walking around with 1 sleeve up seemed stupid as I had to air my new tattoo I was told. To be honest people use tattoos as self harm but I did not feel a thing to make it become a method.
 
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HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

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self harm seems like the only way I can punish myself. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to stop. Sorry if I've said anything I shouldn't have.
I don't have as much experience with self harm personally, but I know something of what you are going thru.

Maybe this will be helpful, maybe not -- but I'll throw it out there anyway: The one thing that tends to stop me is the knowledge that there are plenty of mean people out there who have 'punished' us in the past and those people are willing to do it us again.

If I hurt myself, I am joining the side of my enemies. I don't have to do this to myself. I do need someone on my side. I can be that person.
 
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