Hi I'm new

[Thumbelina]

I came across this forum and have related to a lot of the feelings that are being described.
I'll try to summarise my story.
I am in my mid forties and first became aware of feeling insecure and depressed at 16yrs old. In the intervening 30 years, I have attended counsellors, psychologists, a psychiatrist,(who diagnosed clincal depression) been on and off antidepressants throughout, read dozens of self help books and attended many workshops and courses to try to help myself.
I have had hypnoptherapy for anxiety, done inner child work, regression therapy,meditation and reiki.
I know that I have learnt so much and have improved tremendously in many ways but I am still plagued by recurrence of depression and feelings of fear.
I hope others can relate to this but I am pretty certain that as a young child I was frightened in some way and that part of me is trying to be heard. Medication and keeping going with my busy life doesn't seem to be the answer.
I am trying not to be isolated with this and this is a particularly bad time as i am struggling with bouts of severe depression and suicidal thoughts, but I refuse to go back round the cycle of taking increased antidepressants and beta blockers to dull the symptoms.
I am off work and am considering taking an long extended break to allow myself some real space.
I have a professional career and it is an enormous step for my ego to put that on the back burner for a while.It is so against our culture to stop work for self development- I am battling feelings of being lazy, guilt and that I'm losing the plot.
It is a huge dilemna for me.
I have experienced recent episodes of frightening rage- which can be triggered when I hear someone making a certain swallowing sound.
I feel gripped by a demon that wants to become very violent- I have managed to keep it under control but it is unbearable to supress.I have body reactions to certain things but no memories attached.
I feel quite anxious typing this as if I am opening myself up to being exposed and for hearing criticism but I also want to share what's going on. It is always so good to hear if others feel the same way and understand!
Thanks for "listening!":unsure

 

[honeyquince]

Hi Thumbelina and welcome to the forum. I'm sure that you'll find us a supportive bunch and criticism is something that you just wont hear here. So, do tell us about your experiences as I'm sure there are others here with similar situations. Indeed I'm often in awe of the number of people here who have struggled with this illness for so many years and still come here with such positive outlooks!

I've only had severe depression for about two years yet a lot of what you said sounded so familiar.

Keep posting as I'm sure you'll find support here.

Take care,
Honey, xx

 

[companion]

Hi Thumbelina and ( I like this sign)

It is nice to meet you and I think you will find the forum a very supportive and open environment. I admire you for being able to share what you have so far - no members on this forum would ever criticise you at all for sharing.

I have not been able to be as open about my own history of depression. You see when I was in adolecence, I rejected a significant part of my identity - my sexuality. This resulted in my developing Depression for a number of years. I led a chaotic lifestyle and had a couple of negative abusive relationships - increasing my Depression. I felt so alone and did not have an environment like this to be able to turn too.

Things did change for me and with some support and a lot of self-determination, I finally accept myself and have made positive changes to my life - now happily married (Civil Partnership).

I have never shared that on here for many reasons, but I thought if you were able to put yourself into a postion that made you feel a little anxious, then I could do the same. As I said, I admire you for being able to share your history with everyone.

I hope you feel a little less anxious now and feel able to share whatever you need with any of us.

Take care Thumbelina

Companion

 

[Thumbelina]

Thanks

Hi Honeyquince
Thanks for welcome and your words of support. It is comforting to know others empathise.
Thumbelina

 

[Thumbelina]

wonderful

I have read and re-read your message Companion.
I feel very touched by your story and I think it is wonderful that you have shared something that has been so dificult for you.
You sound like you've got something very strong inside which has brought you to where you are today despite some huge hurdles along the way.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm smiling!
Thumbelina
PS how do you put in a smiley icon?

 

[chesya]

Hi Thumbelina,

I male and bipolar, but a tiny woman often represents my most depressed and most manic phases, and I sometimes experience waking dreams or delusions from this point of view.

I think the depressed part is about the struggle against a huge world with outsized objects - moving the smallest things requires huge effort and the lowest barriers seem insurmountable. There is also the feeling of danger and vulnerability and separateness from the world of normal sized people.

The manic part is about the overwhelming sensuality of the world. The slightest breeze can knock me off my feet, the detailed beauty and powerful scent of a huge flower, etc...

Reading your name made me think of these things.

Anyway, I've been here only a few days and found it incredibly supportive. It's a great place to share your thoughts and feelings.

I hope you will settle in quickly.

 

[rollinat]

Hi Thumbelina and . I hope you will find the forum to be as great a source of support as I have, and I look forward to seeing you around.

Rollinat

 

[Dollit]

Hi there Thmbelina. There is a school of thought that says that depression can happen when you suppress anger.

I spent a lifetime of trying to find out what made me bipolar but I think the best way for me in the end was just to accept that I have it and to deal with it as it arises. Sometimes acceptance can be a starting point and there isn't always a cause.

Anyway it's a safe and kind world here so just be yourself.

And you put a smiley icon in just by clicking them - under the post as you're typing it!

 

[Thumbelina]

acceptance

Yes my psychotherapist recently talked to me about acceptance and not fighting and challenging everything all the time. It is a new approach for me and I think it has caused a shift and taken a lot of the energy away from the desperate need to "know". I can channel my energy more into accepting and working with the way I am.
Every path has its puddles but acceptance feels like a less fraught and frustrating path to take (most of the time) and feels like it has more chance of leading somewhere. The need to know path seemed to take me round in circles

PS I'm clicking on smileys but just get the text description of them going into my reply. trivial I know but love em!

 

[rollinat]

Although when you click on them you get the text description, when you submit the post they show up as smileys - it's a word surrounded by colons.

Acceptance - something I am definitely struggling with, so good to hear that you feel you are making some progress on that.

Take care.

Rollinat

 

[jamesdean]

Hi thumbelina, I have lived with clinical depression since age 8therefore I can relate to a lot of the things that you have said, I think it is great that you can take some time out to find out a little more about yourself, which hopefully will help you go forward.,

 

[Libra1]

Hi thumbelina, and to MHF, we are here 24/7. You will always find a friendly, helpful reply

Hope to speak to you soon

 

[berlioz]

Hello

I was new yesturday, and already i feel like a small weight has been lifted.
Everybody has been kind to me over the last couple of days.
So take care and speak soon.

Berlioz.

 

[Thumbelina]

Anger

I realised I had lost the feelings of rage that I had had fairly recently and my depressive episodes were increasing and becoming more severe. I do feel that what is said about depression being anger turned inwards is probably true in my case so I decided, with some professional advice that I need to start releasing some of my anger.
I can trigger it by thinking of the swallowing noise that so enrages me and I have had some serious pillow battering sessions and screaming in the last 24hrs.
At least I feel this way the energy is not stuck and stagnant like the depressive energy- it is definitely moving- and hopefully out of me. (I am hoping that by shutting all the doors and going to the room furthest away from my neighbour's adjoining wall- she will not hear what sounds like a murder taking place!) I also scream in the car.
I do feel that there are many sides to me and there is one very angry wee girl inside who needs to be heard.
I also have a very frightened wee girl who is very vulnerable.

As my moods have been so erratic recently and lows so very bad, someone suggested that I get my hormone levels checked out in case this is a contributing factor. I'm doing that.

I intend to use my time out from my work to really work on myself and try to get some more shifts.
It's hard not to slip into feelings of guilt about not being at work but I was overwhelmed with panic and stress and couldn't continue-I have to remember that too.
That feels good to have said all that.
I'm a fresher here but there is definitely a feeling of support, safety and acceptance on this site.
Thanks
Thumbelina

 

[Dollit]

Well done - you're developing a good coping strategy there. When I need to scream I ring one of the blokes I work with and swear a lot. It makes him laugh so it's a good stress relief for us both!