Hi, I'm new and not really sure what I'm doing

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daisycakes

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2018
Messages
6
Hi,

I'm not entirely sure what I hope to get out of this but I think speaking to others with similar issues as me could help. At least make me feel less alone, which would be great and I suppose helpful in itself.

I have never been officially diagnosed as I just keep putting it off (I know, I know) so it's hard to 'label' what's wrong with me. But I think I have dysthymia, general anxiety and social anxiety. And I think I have had these since I was in high school, I'm mid-twenties now so 10-ish years.

This is a bit of a ramble...

I've always tried to push low thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on everything I have to be grateful for but I think this is another thing though, I sort of feel like how can I be depressed if I have such a fortunate life? I have parents who support and love me no matter what, I don't have to really stress about money, I'm not currently working after travelling recently, I live in a beautiful country and am able to freely travel (and do), I have access to anything I could need in terms of education, health care, nature/outdoors etc. Some people have it so much worse than me - grief/loss, debt, kids etc and I can't help but feel like a total fraud.

I mean if I have all this, how can be I not be happy? Instead I feel in a constant state of grey. I have moments of excitement, happiness and all that. I also have (longer) moments of feeling melancholic. But I never feel so low that I despise my life or think about ending it or anything of that sort. Just varying shades of grey. Please refrain from 50 Shades of Grey comments ha.

I know it's a chemical imbalance and my mum has some kind of depression (stress/anxiety - high pressure job) so maybe it's somewhat genetic. I find it hard to talk about these things though, I know she would be open to speak but I can't bring myself to do it. Both my parents do know I'm not okay though. My dad is great but he is very similar to me and we find it hard to talk at length about these kinds of things.

I don't know what to do. I suppose step one is see a doctor. I don't want to do therapy I don't think but medication seems daunting.

But then I am isolating myself from life so I need to do something. I've cut off my friends, I only leave the house if I must and I'm just sick of feeling this way. So I need to make a change. But I don't want to, I'm sort of comfortable in my lonely little bubble. Is that weird? To hate my situation but be too comfortable in it to want to change anything?

Ugh. Help meee?

Thank you x
 
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gtrif1

New member
Joined
Oct 17, 2018
Messages
3
Hi,

i also recently signed up to this site having ran out of ideas. from my experiences similar to yours, i would say seeing your GP would help. i never open up to anyone about anything, but making myself go and just talking to him made me feel better. he gave me options of medication and therapy, i took medication but i stopped after 3 months and wish i had taken the therapy. the support you feel from being able to have someone there and getting advice is different to any pill they will give you (hence why im on here also)

im currently going through the self isolation phase, i cant stand being around people and that makes university and work and actually getting things done a struggle. its taking its toll on all my relationships. but i feel that you shouldnt be forced to come out of your bubble and make you socialise. those who are there for you can learn to come inside your bubble, make you happy and help you feel more comfortable step by step.

i also feel like a fraud, looking at all these discussions and forums where people with severe disabilities and health issues who i think would love an easier life like ours. i tend to think i dont have a right to be depressed, but i remember depression is unique for everyone and its the illness that is making me think irrationally. everyone has different things going on in their life, people have more support, coping mechanisms and that what we are here for so we can learn that from others that are similar and find things that work for us

anyway i just wanted to show you are not alone with what you are feeling and it is normal

hope you're doing ok and if you need someone who understands drop me a message

G
 
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Mommadora

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2018
Messages
22
Hi, I'm new to this site too. For me I'm looking for more options of support. Fortunately, my friends and family are very supportive. However, my husband just started a new exciting job and one of the ways I can support him in this is to find additional means of support to help relieve the stress on him.

I completely understand your resistance and reluctance to seeking treatment. The funny thing about anxiety is it commonly tells us that we need to hide it.that scary and dangerous things will happen if we let people know what's really going on inside us. My experience is that the opposite is true. I finally got help because I was no longer able to function on my own. And I discovered there is a lot of support.

I also agonized over taking medication for anxiety and depression. Not because I wasn't okay with taking medication, but because I was terrified of all the possible side effects and being on it forever. One night I had the bottle of pills on my bedside table and was making myself panic over whether or not I should start taking it. Then I laughed at myself and realized I really need these meds if I'm this anxious over taking an anti-anxiety Med. Hahaha.

I just want to let you know that it is okay to reach out for help. I always believed that there was nothing that could be done to help me or than I've already tried everything. But there are many, many treatments available. I'm still far from where I want to be after recovering from postpartum depression, only to have a much more severe case of clinical depression with anxiety. But I'm going to keep on trying until I find something that works for me. Very very very slowly I feel better then I did months ago. I was a 9 out of 10 for depression and anxiety. Now I'm more like a 7. That's better but I'd like to get to at least five as a general set point.
 
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daisycakes

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2018
Messages
6
Thanks so much for your response, it means a lot :)

That's a really lovely thing supporting your husband like that, he's a lucky man!

I love and really resonate with that story about agonising over the decision as to take the pill or not. Like your mind is just an absolute circus of all the pro's and con's and worst case scenarios etc but then what if it works etc etc. I've been umming & ahh'ing over whether to see a doctor about medication for four years now. Bit ridiculous but I always have an excuse. I did see a doctor once though which was off-putting, she was blatantly searching what to do for a patient with depression IN FRONT OF ME in the room. No way I was letting her prescribe me something. I will think about seeing another doctor though.

I'm really glad you're on your way to feeling better, even if it's slowly. Slowly might be a good thing anyway, that way you're more aware of subtle changes etc as opposed to a swift 180 where one day you're down and blue and the next you're floating in a meadow with a flower crown. Or something along those lines that isn't as weird as that haha.
 
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Mommadora

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2018
Messages
22
I'm really glad my post helped you in some way. Connection is so important with mental illness. And that connection is often avoided due to fear or feelings of unworthiness. It's not your fault you feel anxious or depressed. Any more than it's somebody's fault for getting diabetes. Some people are just more susceptible to it. Where one could eat pounds of sugar and never get diabetes another could have a generally healthy diet and get diabetes anyway.

There's a lot of different information on where anxiety depression and other mental illness stems from. My belief, based on all the things I've learned since I became aware I had these illnesses is that some people are just more genetically susceptible. then environment, stressors, and other challenges pile on top of this and become too much. Whereas someone not susceptible genetically to mental illness may get tons of stressors and not end up with the condition.

I don't believe in pushing through or fighting illness. I believe in being kind, patient, and supportive of myself. This is easier in theory than practice. But pushing through is what got me this sick in the first place.

Despite it being very scary, I think you would find some relief if you spoke to your doctor. And if your doctor isn't helpful, keep looking because many are learning more about these illnesses. Don't push yourself to go to the doctor. But hold your own hand metaphorically, tell your anxious self that you are going to do what you can to help yourself feel better, and go to the doctor for some help. And if meds feel like a good option, don't let fear stop you from taking them.
 
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