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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hi, I'm finally admitting that I need help.

J

jigsaw puzzle

Member
Joined
May 11, 2010
Messages
17
Location
Fife, Scotland
I know some of you may have read about the concerns that I have with my brother as I feel I'm not able to do much living nearly 300 miles away from him.

However, I have to admit that I need help myself.

This may be a long read but I feel I have to include everything.

To those who don't know me, I am in the MOD and under quite a strict regime, despite the general feel that in work the atmosphere is relaxed.

In August 2007 I was sexually assaulted by somebody who used to be in my branch at work and who had moved to another skill within the service. This person was known by fellow members of my branch from a different base. I happened to be drafted there that August.

There was one girl who I felt I could trust, but it turned out that on the night of the incident, she gave away my private details such as my room number on base and my mobile number. These were both done without my permission.

The accused came and knocked on my door after constantly pestering me by texts and phone calls. I did not want this person in the room. For what seemed like half an hour, I stood with my body wedged between my door and the arch to bar entry. He was steaming, absolutely drunk out of his skull. I carried on keeping him talking, not wondering what to do. I was 18 at the time. He suddenly said that he was thirsty, and the kind side of me left the door (open) and went to get a bottle of coke to empty it with water. Whilst I was in the bathroom, I saw in the mirror that he had walked into the room.

The things going through my mind at the time were that I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him there, but I felt that my trust had been betrayed and it also felt that as rumours circulate, it would look dodgy with work.

I won't go into more detail, but I'll explain my behaviour that night, and I believed it was unusual at the time. My body froze. I was accepting what he wanted to do to me, I did as I was told and let him get what he wanted. I was completely mute and the only thing I managed to say before penetration was "please don't come inside me."

Low and behold he did. So as I was too afraid to get the morning after pill because I was too afraid of causing any hassle for anyone, or have any more rumours flying around, I fell pregnant and had to go through an abortion.

I reported this to the police after I ended up gazing into the distance but my mind was empty, I wasn't sure what I was thinking of at the time. My section corporal was with me at the time, and he is the only one below hierachy status who knows what's going on.

April 2009 and I reported this incident. It was hard to remember most bits because it had been so long, and I still wasn't really convinced it was sexual assault as I can't remember giving consent - which I didn't, I just acted like a robot.

During 2009 I was coping fine with the proceedings, I didn't want any counselling at the time, I found myself too busy at work and was thinking of family concerns like my brother.
 
BORTU

BORTU

Well-known member
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Jun 4, 2010
Messages
1,449
Location
SW England
Hi. You had a bad time. Give counselling a try, I'm sure it will help.
 
J

jigsaw puzzle

Member
Joined
May 11, 2010
Messages
17
Location
Fife, Scotland
Thank you Bortu for reading this. It's great to see any support. I'm being referred to a pschyologist later this month, just waiting for her to contact me. It has stemmed from about 6-7 counselling sessions that I have deep issues back from childhood where I have a major issue of being in control, which has been a massive influence from my dad. It is proved now as I look back at the behaviour problems that my brother is experiencing because he is constantly rebelling against my dad. I'll update as to how the shrink sessions go, as I'm finding each two-three week gap between each normal counselling session is getting harder and at the session, it is getting harder and I tend to pour with tears. I'm being told that I'm getting more angry - every conversation topic always reverts back to my family, even if I try to change the subject. I know things are to get harder before they get better, and before I contemplate moving in with my boyfriend, I've acknowledged that I need to sort my head out, as everything that hurts me, or my funny turns that I have always end up targetting him which I think is most unfair. I feel that this weekend there has been an improvement - as I don't see him in the week due to our jobs. It's the first weekend I've not had a funny turn, and had a misunderstanding between texts which I got my head around and never mentioned it so everything is fine.

One thing I need to do is that when I make decisions for myself and do it for my benefit; I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Particularly if it's a work social that I said I was going to and pulled out at the last minute because I didn't feel comfortable if I went there or felt that it was a clique kind of thing and that I wouldn't be missed if I didn't materialise. Also, my boyfriend didn't get an invite so I though 'screw them'. It's all self esteem issues, which I acknowledge but I'm used to being independent and not socialising with other work colleagues because it's how I've been brought up and learned to live. I'm not a total hermit though. I have my own circle of friends that I get on with well and I'm comfortable to drink around - as one of my major issues is going out with work colleagues and being able to trust them which is linked back to that awful night in 2007. Work colleagues don't have to acknowledge that I have other friends outside work, but at the same time I have my own life outside work and think it's very sad that so many people rely upon work mates for company 24/7. Technically it's part of the nature of my job that my work is like a big family, live on a coach together, play musically and work together constantly, get deployed together. Tell you what; it won't be doing their bladders very good at all.

J. Puzzle
 
Angels

Angels

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Joined
May 29, 2010
Messages
2,461
Location
Oblivion
im really sorry to hear about that. something kind of like that happened to me, apart from it kept happening over and over again. i didnt fall pregnant (thank god) i was in an abusive unwanted relationship. (seen as im only 15 .. yeah i know ...) there was not much i could do about it, however when it happened i was 14. the guy was 24.. but i really think you should get help. the only way i found a way out of the mess was when my parents found out after searching all of my stuff because of my 'extreme strange behavior'. I had a lot of depression and anxiety before this happened. But after the guy was sentanced to 6 years i felt alone but i was no longer abused.. suddenly everything disappeared and i was 'normal'.. then the last couple of months... uhh been awful. Depression, voices, anxiety, psychosis, Gp's saying i have schizophrenia. just alot. get help! because you never know. maybe just have a few councelling sessions and see how things go from there. i slowly deteriorated into very bad mental health.
But i know it maybe raw to talk about, but go for it!
wishing you all the best, your not alone

xx han xx
 
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