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Hi, I'm a freak

S

Selfimprisonedfreak

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
1
A freak having a tough enough time that I just popped a few tranqs (what I view as pain medicine for emotional pain). I don't do that often - only did that once before several months ago...but I don't want to feel the things I feel or think about the things I think about right now. Most other days I can, but not today.

It dawned on me that maybe I don't love anyone - just maybe that is part of the reason I'm so miserable. I've felt for a while that no one loves me but had at least felt that I loved others. Maybe this is what it means to feel lonely. I've generally been someone that has done ok with being alone - in the sense that I've been comfortable that way and have enjoyed spending time with myself (I'm introverted).

My life has been destroyed - I barely left my home for 10 years due to agoraphobia. Have been doing better from the standpoint that I have been leaving the house for a few months, to do the grocery store shopping, etc...but it was almost easier just being at the bottom. I'm overwhelmed now, people think I'm better and don't realize I am not better...I'm just fighting harder and am barely hanging on to this and going straight back to ground 0. Along with the agoraphobia, I also have depression and PTSD...I'm completely broken, dsyfunctional and I really wonder sometimes if there is any hope that I could someday be better...more normal...less of a freak. I don't deal with anything well, stress, frustration...I mean hell, I've been to the point where if my dog is barking at neigbhors outside I feel so out of control and afraid that I'll ball myself up and cry until I'm cried out.

My family members...don't know where to begin. My husband doesn't touch me, doesn't act life he loves me, does things that he has to know would be hurtful (when he spends the night at friends and I don't hear from him for 24 hours or more he has to know I worry, and then feel hurt because he's doing this knowing how it affects me...my ability to trust him (he's lied about things) doesn't help. He won't pay the bills on time without a lot of hassle - getting us into massive financial trouble. I dont' do ok with any of this as I was raised to be very responsible...he's very carefree about it.

My parents is a can of worms - they were very abusiving and hurtful growing up, caused me a lot of damage...got over that, but that they criticize me for turning out to be a worthless failure just like they expected me to tears me up. Always trying to manipulate me for their needs - to be their dumping grounds, to twist little things I try not to tell them (because I don't trust them) to create problems and stir things up...even knowing I have plenty of real ones.

I just don't fit in this world...I don't belong here, but am stuck. I hate life, and life hates me...rapes, molestion, watching my father beat my mother, being roughed around by him, never good enough, manipulated to feel guilty even for being born or blamed for their violence (the reason they beat one another eh). Oh well, I am so tired and I wished I believed in a God that would make my heart stop if I prayed long and hard for it...but that's a sham and I don't.

Goodbye
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Hi welcome to the forum. I am sure you are not a freak but someone who has had some hard knocks in life.
I hope you find the forum useful, some of us blog on here which is a good way of expressing some of what we feel. Have a brouse around and join in when you are ready.
KP
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi

And :welcome: to the forum!
There is a wealth of knowledge, support and experience to be found here.
 
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