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Hi I am new



New member
Dec 29, 2014
Preston, Lancashire, United Kingdom
Before Christmas I went back to see my doctor about my depression, I really find it hard to talk to people so i wrote things down and handed her the letter to read, after answering some questions she wrote an urgent CMHT referral. I received the letter inviting me to an assessment, which I have not been looking forward too because I have had a number of these types of assessments and then told that my doctor can deal with me.
I went to the assessment today and waited to be seen I was nervous and shaking because of my anxiety, then finally the CPN called me and we went into a room, he asked me to tell him about my past and when things first started.
I informed him that when I was 13 I was raped by an older person and that I was bullied in primary school and went to three different ones, I was then bullied at highschool and could not make friends and if I did I could not maintain the friendships. I spent a lot of out of school hours at home.. I was kind of a mother’s boy and spent a lot of time with her.
Then I went on to inform him my mum married when I was about 10 and that in later years when I was 15 or 16 he kept turning violent and attacked my older brother and kicked him out of the house for nothing impaticular. He went to hit me a few times but my mother jumped infront of him which caused them to argue.
When I was 17 my step-dad and two younger sisters went out to karate lessons, which left me and mum at home… She told me that she was going to have a wash and lie down as she wasn’t feeling well (she suffered with really bad anxiety and panic attacks and had to give work up as she couldn’t leave the house… about 15 mins later I heard a bang upstairs, I ran up and found my mother dead on the floor and tried so hard to revive her but something in her heart had snapped.
After this I met a woman online who lives down south from me and I got a job working for the dwp, every weekend I would get the trains down there (Around 7-8 hrs trip) and meet up with her, things went so fast and we got engaged and I added her to my bank accounts… anyway, she became violent and aggressive with me and had written that many guaranteed cheques out I could not get back home or to work…
I put up with it for nearly a year until I managed to escape her abuse and moved in with her kids aunt (her ex sister in laws) and started to drink heavily and started to cut myself and have suicidal thoughts.. this went on a long time and did things I am not very proud of and then had problems with my sexuality.
Needless to say, I have been homeless twice because of things and cannot manage to keep jobs down for long.
I have about 2-3 times a year where I am very happy and feel very self-important and believe I am on sort of mission (that lasts for about a week or two), my self-esteem rises and I feel on top of the world, I would go out and blow my money on things that I really didn’t need and forgot to pay bills that have to be paid and get myself into debt by trying to get loans. I get very irritated and talk a lot and sometimes forget to eat. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head and am full of energy. I even start to set up my own business and believe I am going to be a multi-millionaire, needless to say after a week or two things come crashing down on me again and I lock myself away as much as possible. I stay in bed and forget about personal hygiene and cry a lot as well and when someone knocks on my door… god, I turn the radio off and shake in fear, I have even put a curtain up so they can’t see me through the door window, I have even thought I have seen things, turned and so that nothing was there and also having feelings about ending life and leaving this cruel world.
Luckily the only friend I have managed to keep makes sure I get up and eat something and reminds me to shower etc etc, she is a godsend.
I tried to tell the CPN everything, but there is just so much you can say in an hour. I watched as he made notes and then asked me what I wanted from CMHT... I asked for help to make me better. He then asked why my doctor referred me. I informed him that my doctor said I might be bi-polar… he nodded and then said something like “Okay, I think you have a very low mood, and that some kind of talking therapy might help you… but I am not sure what type of talking therapy is suitable as it is a little complex.. I do not think you are bi-polar, but spending a thousand pound within a week on things is a little concerning, so I will refer you to the consultant to rule out bi-polar and then have a look at what talking therapy’s you may be suitable for”
I really really do not know what to do, I have one or two non-related things I need to talk to my doctor about shortly, but I feel lost and I feel as if I have been fobbed off?” then I am on SSP and my employer makes appointments to try and get me back, but I cannot do the job. I am just so stuck.
So sorry for ranting! 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2014
Hi dcgregg and welcome to the forum.

Rant as much as you like, if it helps. It doesn't matter here; this is a safe place. You've had a pretty rough time of things by the sounds of it and it's no wonder you're struggling.

You have at least been referred to a consultant, who will be in a better position to diagnose you if necessary so please don't feel as though you've been fobbed off. Help and diagnosis can take some time and I know how frustrating this can be. I would say take any help/counselling/therapy they offer you. Also, do the same with the consultants visit as you did with your doctors and write everything down that you want to say.

It can take time but there is hope.

I wish you well.