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Hi.. I am a mess

A

Alienated

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I'm Daniel, almost 50 years old and lived in isolation for going on 8 1/2 years now..

I am a recovered alcoholic and addict with guess what ? 8 1/2 years sober, but only after 6 rehabs, 3 complete mental breakdowns w/ suicide attempts. But this time I have spent that time in deep study shut off from influences, and recovering from brain damage after the last suicide attempt including by drugs back in 06. I replaced my negative additions with posive ones this time. I have full brain fuction back, even better than before.

All my family even relatives have passed away over the years, and I am alone on the planet since 08. For the last 2 years I tried to blend back into society, and that was a Big Mistake. Now I have PTSD, Social Anxiety, and Major Depression. After 4 years of being off all my medication, and now back at the doctors.. Just got started on Zoloft 2 1/2 weeks ago.. Biting nails waiting for it to really kick in.

Having trouble concentrating anymore and had to put studies aside.. Lost interest too. And after going out into society :scared:

All the study of sciences and logical thinking is usless, I got sane in isolation, and the rest of the world went insane.:confused Nothing makes sense to me, everything has been turned, twisted, warped, and butchered so much I don't recognize anything. And with P.C. even the English language has changed.

I have gone back into isolation now for life, this world has nothing of value to offer me. All line of right and wrong are gone, and I don't belong, nor do I want to be accepted..
What the Hell Happened ?

I tried many things, men's groups, meetings of many kinds, had a job for a little while and quit because of verbal abuse, had a girl friend for 5 months, but she was .. I can't answer that. She had problems I couldn't help. She was a Self-Harm, in many ways. Hence my PTSD.:panic: She has been gone for 4 months now, and we quit even talking.. I deleted her from my contact list, shes venomous to me.

I am at the point of NEVER wanting to step out my door again, I only leave once a month to pay bills, and shop. I have all this time on my hands and don 't really want to do anything anymore. I don't know what I am going to do now.. I am just so tired, frustrated, and beaten down.. I almost don't want to wake-up again..

So here I am, be gentle.. I have been through Hell and back.

Daniel
 
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T

TinyT

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Wow, I feel so sorry to hear your struggles :( I can't imagine what that must be like at all!!? Congratulations for staying clean & sober even through your most recent struggle! Don't go back to the unhealthy habits , it's a curse! Don't let it win, you've already beaten it!! Spend this time trying to figure out what you want to be interested in again, move your studies to something else perhaps?
I wish there was more I could say but I don't know? I'm here to talk I guess?
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Hi Daniel and welcome to the forum.

As TinyT said, well done on staying sober for over 8 years. That's some achievement.

So sorry to hear about your past and present struggles. It does indeed sound as though you've been to hell and back. The world can be a pretty scary place anyway and obviously feels quite over-whelming and strange to you. I hope that your medication kicks in soon and that start to feel as though you can cope and maybe even face the world again. Please don't give up hope.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Wow, I feel so sorry to hear your struggles :( I can't imagine what that must be like at all!!? Congratulations for staying clean & sober even through your most recent struggle! Don't go back to the unhealthy habits , it's a curse! Don't let it win, you've already beaten it!! Spend this time trying to figure out what you want to be interested in again, move your studies to something else perhaps?
I wish there was more I could say but I don't know? I'm here to talk I guess?
Hi TinyT,

I've just noticed you're new here too and wanted to say welcome. I hope that you're finding the forum of some use.
 
SomersetScorpio

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I know we've already interacted a little bit, but wanted to welcome you to the forum properly.:welcome:
Thank you for sharing about yourself here, though I am sorry to hear about your struggles.

Also welcome to TinyT too.
 
A

Alienated

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I wish learning meant something anymore but it doesn't, everything is meaningless. Facts get twisted by everyone, people demand you agree with them or they throw a temper tantrum. Name calling ?? Attack your integrity because you don't support their complete delusional fantasies they have ?

What good is learning the facts when people live their lives by making things up as they go, when did truth become relative to how people feel about facts ?

I think like a scientist, logical, disciplined, rely on emperical evidence, and evidence based facts.. Not relative facts philosophy, where the truth-value of any statement is always relative to some particular standpoint..

I mean REALLY ?? ... REALLY ??

I have been told I am obsolete, archaic even.. I guess I am, where does logic fit in Insanity ? Logic dictates RUN DAN RUN !!
 
RainbowHeartz

RainbowHeartz

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hi daniel

welcome to the forum

:welcome:
 
*autumn*

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Hi daniel, really congratulations with your 8 and a half months' sobriety. Really happy for you.
 
A

Alienated

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Hi daniel, really congratulations with your 8 and a half months' sobriety. Really happy for you.
Thank you , but it 8 Years 5 months and 11 days today. :clap:

Yeah I rounded off, but thers leap years too.
 
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*autumn*

*autumn*

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Yey. :D sorry, i read 8 1/2 years sober.
 
*autumn*

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Yey. For me, that is thee most important thing. Staying sober. Fantastic.
 
A

Alienated

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I don't read what others tell me what God want's, that is what the Bible is for... It's all the far fetched koo-koo's out there writing all this make believe stuff up, that caused the ignorance today.

Any nut can right a book, but get 41 people, over a course of 1,500 years, wite 66 books that have no contradictions, and has never been wrong on any of the 2,000 prediction it made untill now. And still is the most studied book ever.. I stick with what that say's.

And it's not our Job to do what God only can do, it's all right on corse.. And it's just started.
 
*autumn*

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What do you feel in your heart?
 
A

Alienated

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Wow.. that's a good question. I guess heart broken that all I thought that was great about my country is gone. I see total chaos, but total apathy at the same time. People what to buy the next new gagit, and the next popular look. Argue things that aren't real, and never take any responsibility.

Whole generations of people that can't even talk to each other.

I don't want to be apart of this new world, or have anything to do with it. There isn't anything worth fighting for.. I am heart broken
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Hi Alienated, I know you've been here for a little bit now, and I've seen your posts elsewhere, but just wanted to say welcome. I feel for you/hear you that the world makes so little sense and seems too 'mad/awful' to engage with. Glad to have you here though, and big congratulations on your sobriety (y)
 

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