Hi from East Sussex

A

Artdeco

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Joined
Jul 15, 2018
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2
#1
I have a 99 year old mother, who, apart from usual old age problems, arthritis, dizziness, kidney problems and minor heart problems is in pretty good health.

My father died 6 years ago and my mother lives by herself with the assistance of carers (3 per day). She lets the carers do very little, she is lucky enough to get someone for 45 minutes to cook for her but refuses most times. She appears to be perfectly lucid with her carers but can be extremely unpleasant to them.

My problem is that recently she has become very paranoid, vitriolic, accuses me of stealing things and generally exceptionally nasty but it appears it is only aimed at me. She has always been like this towards my father and now me. In fact my dad worshipped the ground she walked on and did everything for her, even on the day he died she had him out driving and shopping. She has now decided that I am not her daughter, I was swapped at the hospital and she wants nothing to do with me. This upsets me very much - I love her but I really don't like her My problem is I am an only child and although I do not have power of attorney I deal with her finances, paperwork etc.so if I withdrawn all contact there will be a big problem

Has anybody else has this experience? My doctor is excellent and would like to assess her but she refuses to let them gain access to the house. Any help would be much appreciate.
 
Lilbubble

Lilbubble

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
475
#2
Hi and :welcome: to the forum

My problem is that recently she has become very paranoid, vitriolic, accuses me of stealing things and generally exceptionally nasty
If this is a recent thing I think I'd be concerned too, If your mother is refusing the help of the carers she is deemed to need and refuses access to be assess which would be in her best interest hence the doctor thinking it is necessary then I'd advise seeking advice on what your next step, particularly if she doesn't recognise she needs help and is vulnerable due to this. Maybe the doctor can give you some information on where best to get the advice ?

Power of attorney can only be granted if the person it is for is deemed as capable of giving their consent (an assessment would take place to determine this), if not then you can apply to the court of protection to become your mothers deputy/guardian. You can find more information on at Age UK | The UK's largest charity working with older people
 
A

Artdeco

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
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#3
Now no contact with mother..

Things have now moved on but not in a positive way. After our last encounter on 10 July, I decided that I could no longer sustain personal contact with my mother for both of our sakes - physical and mental health. The last time she became so agitated that she was shouting, stamping and thumping the table going purple in the face. At her age and with a heart condition I felt this was the best option.

My husband, although he is 87, visits her three times a week to see whether she needs anything and miraculously she now appears to use her carers. She reacts quite rationally with everyone else (there are many people who keep me in the loop) I now wonder whether it was all a game to her and I was the one she could bully and be nasty to because I always went back looking for her approbation.

The oddest thing I feel is that she still wants me to organise her finances, etc. and I still have access to her bank accounts and draw money for her although she refuses to see or speak to me.

She was 99 on 10 August, it was the first birthday I have not spent with her. Although I have made this decision, I did telephone to say shouldn't we talk about this and perhaps have access by phone and not in person, the result of which is she did not speak and hung up on me.

I have two separate feelings, one is that I feel relieved that I do not have to be shouted at every day and the other is a kind of grief that I have lost my mother before she actually died. Its a very difficult place to be and I am finding it really hard to cope with the feelings. I already take antidepressants so do not feel that a trip to the doctor would benefit me in any way.

Anyone else experienced anything similar
 
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