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Hi, first post and just really need some help

S

spearly

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2009
Messages
3
erm, I dont really know how to start this because its something that I'm just really confused about and have been for a few years now. I've never really spoken to anyone about it in depth and lately I feel like I seriously do need help. Basically, I'm a 16 year old girl and I think I have bipolar.

I think I first found out about what the disorder was when I was about 13 when my cousin was diagnosed. And when I found out about it I instantly related myself to the symptoms. I'm not very close to my family and I don't feel like I can talk to them about it but its just gotten to a point now where I'm frequently bursting into tears at random times for unexplainable reasons and then this morning something happened that really scared me. I was just reading through an old diary of mine, trying to figure a few things out and I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't do anything to calm myself down and I just ended up pacing up and down my house crying, shaking and breathing in and out very fast for about half an hour. at one point i just ended up screaming. ive never screamed like that before and i was just in such a weird state. and it wasnt even like i wanted it to end, i was actually sort of enjoying the release. but sort of not because i was also incredibly angry at points, just lashing out and punching my legs. the feeling is really hard to explain :S

when it was over i felt better but im still shaking now and i still dont really know what to do. I was supposed to go to college today but I couldnt bring myself to go. I'm behind in a lot of work and lack motivation a lot of the time. Yesterday i was supposed to get on with a lot of work but i just COULD NOT do it. all i did was feel restless, irritated and unfocussed. it annoyed me because i actually wanted to get it done and the reason i couldnt do it was beyond my control.

i'm pretty sure ive suffered from depression in the past and still do but i feel like i don't have enough reasons to feel as unhappy as I do. I just think to myself - why am i THIS unhappy? i don't always feel depressed, but i get downswings that last weeks/months. I'm beginning to see clearer patterns now.

And then there are the days where I'll feel so incredibly energetic and impulsive and CREATIVE and i'll just go out and take the first bus that shows up going anywhere. Because I want to get out and do something because i feel so incredibly elevated and inspired. But those episodes don't last for as long as the depression. like, i'll only feel that for a few days. is that hypomanic behaviour?

generally, i can be an impulsive person, like ill get urges to do completely irrational things. for example, there was one time where i decided to just go out shopping on my own (which i used to do quite frequently until i ran out of money. when i do get money now i will go out and spend it all in one go. recently i was owed £60 by my boyfriend. he paid me back and it was the first time i had money in a long time. the same day i spent all of it.) anyway, without going off topic, I went into town and spent a lot of money on collection of clothes and accessories that really excited me at the time. I was drawn to them, i thought they were a bit different and would make me stand out, I thought they were brilliant! I have never worn a single item i bought that day, i looked back a few days later and it was like a completely different person went shopping for me.

I get incredibly guilty for things. Guilt and regret that last for long periods of time (the longest has been a year). they will completely overrun my thoughts and all i'll want to do is escape.

There are many factors that contribute to why i think i have bipolar and it would take me a very long time to explain all of it as im sure you'll all know yourselves.

ive never gotten any psychological help and ive always just sort of 'suffered in silence'. I dont really know what to think about myself or do with myself i'm just so confused at the moment. I find it very difficult to be open with people, friends or family. I don't want to start seeing someone for it because then it feels like it really is a problem. and it IS a problem, but I just want to keep it hidden. i mean, i know i cant do that as its getting worse and it wont just go away, but ive been hiding to for years and i keep telling myself "just live with it, don't bother other people with it, don't make them worried."

but anyway, i could probably write about it all day but basically I'd just really really appreciate it if I could get some advice and opinions from people on here. Should i seek help from a doctor? does it sound like it could be bipolar or am i just an over dramatic teenager? I know there wont be a definite answer to the question 'am i bipolar?', but any information would help.

thank you for reading =)
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hi

Hello spearly.........

I dont think you are being dramatic at all, you feel bad and not in controle.

If you are bi-polar it will take time to find out, many probs have simalar symtems, this does not mean you have the same prob, find out for sure before you give yourself a lable.

The first thing you need to do is make an appointment with your GP, take your diary, print out what you have writtern here, and take it with you and get him/her to read the post you made here at least.

When you go to the GPs they will prob offer you antidepressents or somthing like that, it is up to you if you want them.
Do ask to see either a counciler or a psychologyst, either for 'now' is fine, it may take a while for the appointment, that is the way it is.

And take it from there.

You are at collage, they may have a counciler, make an appointment with them 'as well' as the GP. they may give you support and help with the time needed for course work etc, and take some stress off you, it will also help if the help you need from the GP takes time.

Right next..........

Part of what you need to learn is coping methodes or stratager's, and that is a case of what works for 'you'. these are things that can occupy your mind but are easy to do. they are distractions so that you are not constently thinking about your probs.
( puzzels, games, jigsaws , drawing, needle point..... silly hobbies )

As for the money, try and start small, if you get money, unless you need somthing, put half of it in a tin, and blow the other half if you feel like it.

It may be helpful if there is a member of your family that you trust who knows what you are going through, some one who may understand and back you up if you need it. You may not be able to keep this a secrete, but you will have some one to help you if it all come out at once.

Try not to panic, working this out will take time even wth good help.

If you have further questions , just ask........

take care ......... boB.....:)
 
S

spearly

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2009
Messages
3
Thanks bob :)

thats helped a lot, but I'm still in two minds about seeing a GP because some days i feel fine/normal and im like 'what the hell? there is nothing wrong with me?' but then i think about my behaviours and feelings in the past and i know somethings not quite right. but i guess i'm just scared about taking the step towards actively seeking help.

i ended up going into college after that post and as soon as i sat down i had to get up straight away cos i just felt so anxious and shaky. i started crying pretty bad as soon as i ran out the classroom. my maths teacher caught me and calmed me down and explained i should really see someone but.... hmm, i just dont know :S

then yesterday i was just hyper and happy, i actually felt much better than usual. i went into college late and felt really nervous/shaky before getting in but was ok after about an hour of being there. all my friends had heard about monday and i was kinda put on a spot for an explanation, but there wasnt one.

then this morning i was just irritable and angry. i was contemplating whether to go into college or not but i just didnt want to turn up in such an unpredictable mood. especially after what happened on monday. so i just stayed on the bus past my stop and went somewhere completely different.

and right NOW I just feel creative, not particularly happy, but not sad. *shrug* my moods have changed up a lot over the past few days
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Ok

Going up and down can be a norm for many conditions, and it does put many people off for 'exactly' the reasons you give, I feel ok 'today'...

Just make the appointment to see your GP, you prob cant predict what mood you will be in on 'that' day, for any day , so you cant pick a bad day, and it does not matter.

Take care ... boB....:)
 
S

spearly

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2009
Messages
3
yeah, thats true, makes a lot of sense :)

I think i'll try and see if i can get councelling through the college, now my teachers are aware then i guess its easier to ask for help

seriously, thanks again :)
 
S

swan

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Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
Spearly, I totally relate to everything you've said...I'm not sure what to say seeing as i haven't seen anyone about my situation either but it looks like you're in the same position with not knowing whether or not to see someone.
!Really have no idea what to say as im not in the greatest mood at the moment but it really was a comfort to read you experience. Hope you get the courage to make an appointment with a doctor or talk to someone about it, there's no sense in pretending you can cope if you know you cant.
 
S

swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
thats helped a lot, but I'm still in two minds about seeing a GP because some days i feel fine/normal and im like 'what the hell? there is nothing wrong with me?' but then i think about my behaviours and feelings in the past and i know somethings not quite right. but i guess i'm just scared about taking the step towards actively seeking help.
aaah sorry if im seeming wierd but this is totally how i feel!!!!
 
L

loonatoon

Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2009
Messages
21
Location
Leeds
i can relate to the feeling fine and 'dont be silly' moments but last night was a completely different story, full of anger and hate for myself and thinking what the hell is wrong with me, why am i so up and down? why am i never happy?

soooo many things whirling around in my head! what is it?! x
 
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