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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

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H

h24

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May 30, 2021
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4
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istanbul
Hello. I am a 29 year old woman from Turkey. I was diagnosed with OCD, depression, anxiety, ADHD and the doctor also suggested ASD and BPD but i could not get assessment. My symptoms started as early as age 4, my earliest memories are all about me freaking out about arbitrary stuff but my family did not realize those (mainly because i am great at masking and hiding). I had my first break down in 2009 at age 16. They still did not want to take me to therapist because i was doing all fine till that. They thought i was doing good and i was overreacting. They took me to clinic to prove that and i immediately got diagnosed, started on Prozac and weekly therapy. I was getting better until university happened.
I got in my first choice without any problems but i was getting more and more depressed everyday. First day of university, I went there crying feeling like i didnt belong there. I wish I could say it got better from there. The problem was I was going to study architecture which is a very emotionally draining discipline. I failed every class first semester and for years i did horrible. I got in an abusive relationship with a guy with mental illness.
Every time i failed it became a bigger problem in the house, mainly with my mother. I have never been good at expressing feelings and i have habit of hiding it till i breakdown. It always looked like my breakdowns came out of nowhere. Her answer to these were always the same "So you were pretending to be ok, lying to us. Give up, you always do the same. you always give up. We wanted you to be happy but you don't want to. Apparently you can't succeed in anything. Just give up. I never told you to do anything, you chose, failed and blamed me."
Then my physical health got worse. First hormonal issues and thyroid problems started. I gained a lot of weight. I started having muscle pain and skin lesions. In late 2018, I had Bell's Palsy which turned into chronic pain, muscle contractions and synkinesis. I started using gabapentin and lyrica. I was taking corticosteroids and gained even more weight. I was still in my parents house and my mom usually reminisces about that time talking about how tiresome it was to deal with that and how it drained her emotionally.
I wasn't still graduated so i started forcing myself to work harder just to get out of this situation. In 3 years, I managed to finish most of my classes by developing insomnia and blood pressure problems, and making my mental health even worse. Even my doctor urged me to check in a mental health facility for suicidal thoughts. I still pretended to be ok at home because i knew my mom would not handle me failing once again well. After Covid happened, i started working even harder, never leaving my room, working 16 hours a day, usually going 30-40 hours without sleeping. In 2 semesters i completed 17 classes with mostly A's with a few B's. I knew if I didn't complain I would not be a problem at home. I was exhausted but if i gave up I would hear my mother say "you failed again, why are you even trying? you are tired? I am more tired. you ruined our life and you have audacity to cry." I pushed myself to the limit, I knew I would breakdown even if I thought actively about those.
I started taking my final project in march. I pretended to be ok again, till i ended up in ER for critically high bp, throwing up constantly, migraines and loss of balance. I tried to work even more until I couldn't. 2 days ago, i came to conclusion if i go on, I will die. Told everyone, I was worried about my health and it started again. I don't blame them, I know I am a failure. Told my mom if i go on, i won't survive. I am burnt out. Emotionally and physically deteriorating. Having really disturbing images in my head. I just want not to exist.
She told me I chose this, made my plans by myself.
I told her back that i had no other choice, they were already going around like i am graduated and hardest part of the whole thing (diploma project) wasnt a big deal. There was always an illusion of choice. Then she went on her regular tangent about how they tolerate me most of the time, how I chose to be a failure, how always blame them.

I am genuinely tired, exhausted and numb. I wish I could brush these off but i know all these are true. I already tell myself all these in my head. I don't know what to do. I wish I could stop being such a problem.

sorry for my bad writing skills, english is not my first language. also, i am in a bad shape mentally.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. Your English is VERY good. I think you have worked yourself into the ground and it shows a very strong person who has managed to exhaust yourself totally. Are there any plans to use your diploma in anything? You aren't a failure, quite the opposite. With all your problems you still managed to complete your course.

Where do you go from here? I don't see you as a problem rather there is a break down in communication with your mother. What would you like to do now? Apart from sleep a long time.
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

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May 17, 2019
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493
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UK
Hi @h24. Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have had a very tough time with very little support at home. You are very much not a failure. To achieve the the results you have while feeling unwell is nothing short of amazing. One thing I wasn't sure about was whether you had finished your diploma project. Did you manage to do it? It would be great if you could spend some time not focussing on your course but your health. As an aside, my daughter sits her A levels next year and wants to study Architecture at University. It is a really difficult subject.
 
H

h24

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Joined
May 30, 2021
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4
Location
istanbul
:welcome: to the forum. Your English is VERY good. I think you have worked yourself into the ground and it shows a very strong person who has managed to exhaust yourself totally. Are there any plans to use your diploma in anything? You aren't a failure, quite the opposite. With all your problems you still managed to complete your course.

Where do you go from here? I don't see you as a problem rather there is a break down in communication with your mother. What would you like to do now? Apart from sleep a long time.
Thank you so much. I don't want to plan anything with this state of mind. There are things I want to do with design knowledge I have from school. Diploma is not that necessary for them but the project I failed to submit was the only thing I needed to get it. I can still take it in 6 months. Until then I am planning to work on my health, see some specialists about insomnia probably.

About my mother, we talked a bit after we calmed down. She says when she is disappointed the behavior she is accustomed to using comes out. She said she is sorry and appreciates how much I worked on myself which was all i needed to hear today but it came a little too late. I know she is well meaning and this is the only way she knows to act but i also know she is avoiding to work on her past trauma and balancing her life. She inflicts her obsessive thoughts on all of us and tries to control our actions. She has done this her whole life. I understand her struggle too but her aggression is making my life harder since i depend on my parents economically. (both because of C-19 and I have been off working since my pains got unmanageable) She also has a form of OCD, which comes from her mother. My grandmother is a sweet lady but she does the same thing to my mother and she also has OCD. I am so used to living in this environment where everything needs to be perfect and failure is not tolerated that i could not understand the problem for a long time. I am hoping to break this chain of unhealthy behaviours someday.
 
H

h24

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Joined
May 30, 2021
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Location
istanbul
Hi @h24. Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have had a very tough time with very little support at home. You are very much not a failure. To achieve the the results you have while feeling unwell is nothing short of amazing. One thing I wasn't sure about was whether you had finished your diploma project. Did you manage to do it? It would be great if you could spend some time not focussing on your course but your health. As an aside, my daughter sits her A levels next year and wants to study Architecture at University. It is a really difficult subject.
Thank you for your response. My diploma project deadline was this week which I couldn't finish on time. It was the only thing I needed to do before I graduated, this is why it is extremely hard for me. Now I need to wait till September for another project. I have few months to work on my health.

Home situation gets really hard when you are a grown up with unclear path. I am hoping it will get better after I put some stuff in order.

Architecture is really difficult subject to study but it is not impossible, most important thing is keeping yourself over anything. I've seen so many people including me get swallowed in their work, negative headspace and high expectations. The ones with healthy mindsets and healthy environments do exceptionally well. I wish her the best in her exam and university life.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

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Bristol TN
Frankly I think it is very self centered for your mother to make your problems all about her. She demonstrates very little compassion and empathy.
My family also sees me as failing at success by their definition. I have had to re-define it for myself.
Please be gentle with yourself. None of us choose to be ill and you have your hands full. It is a very good time to be taking care of your health now.
You have done enormously well with your academics!
As they say in the airlines: put YOUR oxygen mask on first!
 
H

h24

New member
Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
4
Location
istanbul
Frankly I think it is very self centered for your mother to make your problems all about her. She demonstrates very little compassion and empathy.
My family also sees me as failing at success by their definition. I have had to re-define it for myself.
Please be gentle with yourself. None of us choose to be ill and you have your hands full. It is a very good time to be taking care of your health now.
You have done enormously well with your academics!
As they say in the airlines: put YOUR oxygen mask on first!
Thanks for nice words. I love my mother but I wish she did give me the nice energy she gives to other people. After writing that paragraph i realized she is projecting her own thoughts about herself on me without realizing how it shapes my thinking patterns. I see her reflecting the behavior patterns of my grandmother and same thing is happening to me (it is scary to slowly turn into your own parent). I love both of those women and I want them to thrive but I can't make them happier them by achieving what they think I want.

I sometimes feel like i have been put on such a high pedestal by them. It feels impossible to reach it and i blame myself for it. I am never enough for myself and It is really hard to change your own way of thinking. I am glad you created your own definition of success. It takes so much effort and hard work to do that. I am hoping to move forward in my journey to be a healthier, more mindful and more balanced version of myself this summer.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Mar 1, 2021
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Hi H24, welcome to the forum. I have had a challenging relationship with my mom and even other women (family) in my life. Still happens now with some people who disregard me as a person. Honestly, they are cruel, even hateful. Today I have made the decision to cut one out of my life forever, not my mom, an aunt. I can't deal with the extra. I am sorry and hope you will find a lot of help and support here and that you find healing. It is good that you recognize that your mom has things she needs to work out and are hoping to break the chain. My mom received a lot of emotional abuse too. Sadly, it was then directed towards me. Sending love and good wishes to you, lots of hugs too. 💗
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Hi h24 welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
thepersistenceofmemory

thepersistenceofmemory

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United States
Thanks for nice words. I love my mother but I wish she did give me the nice energy she gives to other people. After writing that paragraph i realized she is projecting her own thoughts about herself on me without realizing how it shapes my thinking patterns. I see her reflecting the behavior patterns of my grandmother and same thing is happening to me (it is scary to slowly turn into your own parent). I love both of those women and I want them to thrive but I can't make them happier them by achieving what they think I want.

I sometimes feel like i have been put on such a high pedestal by them. It feels impossible to reach it and i blame myself for it. I am never enough for myself and It is really hard to change your own way of thinking. I am glad you created your own definition of success. It takes so much effort and hard work to do that. I am hoping to move forward in my journey to be a healthier, more mindful and more balanced version of myself this summer.
hey I relate to everything you wrote here & I’m completely 100% estranged from my mom. you would think that would help but I’m still trying to work through all the trauma she caused me
 
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