Hi everyone

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TryingMyBestAlways

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Hi, I’m new. I’ve just recently been diagnosed with BPD AND CPTSD, in a way it’s helped because I’ve been made to feel like I’m an awful person but the diagnosis has aleviated that worry and I now know that I’m not, I am however struggling from the affects of trauma from childhood and a past relationship.


I’m currently on a waiting list for treatment so I’m looking for some advice from anyone who is managing this diagnosis currently.

I had an incident tonight where I tried to voice a concern to my partner and it was greeted with aggression which has made me feel even worse about the situation. Initially I was worried about voicing the worry I had but I managed to talk self round because I didn’t want it to poison my thinking and cause unnecessary harm to our already fractured relationship.

I wondered if I could share this worry and the way I went about it and see if I have in fact done something wrong. Thank you.
 
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EstherRose94

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I don’t know if I’ll personally be able to give advice but you’re welcome to share and Im sure someone will be able to help you out. I have received some amazing advice here
 
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TryingMyBestAlways

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It’s not even a huge issue but I feel like absolute rubbish now, I felt brave initially and once I said it that worry floated off because it was out there but the response has left my anxiety sky high and I’m a mess.

Basically.. I noticed a notification on my partners phone the other day and it looked like a tinder notification, I didn’t say anything because I’m hyper stressed at the moment, I’ve got 4 kids and my youngest is teething so my sleep is limited. Anyway. I thought I was just being paranoid due to stress and sleep deprivation until today I saw a chat stream and it looked like the tinder set up so my stomach sank. Initially I went in to tinder and made a fake profile and tried to find him (I haven’t told him this as I felt I was acting completely irrationally and deleted the profile within minutes) so I went downstairs took some breaths because communication and voicing my feelings is incredibly hard for me, I walked back into the lounge and said “can I ask you a question without it causing an argument because it’s playing on my mind”
he rolled his eyes...
I said “I know you’ve been distant with me and I saw a notification on your phone the other day which looked like.... oh fuck it, are you on Tinder?”
He said no and said he knew what the notification was and he got why I thought it looked like a flame, it was his football app. I thought fine I believe him, he then went in to say that it’s not fair that I accuse him of doing these things and got really angry with me, I ended up going to bed without dinner because I felt so awkward and embarrassed.

Was I wrong?
 
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TryingMyBestAlways

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I told him that I was given advice to talk about what worries me and he said the therapists have advised me wrong.
 
Matthew 666

Matthew 666

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Hi mat here I hope you get better soon I'm ,47 and have canner of the prostate and it's stared going in the bone I suffer from alot of mental health problems so I shouldn't go
 
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EstherRose94

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I told him that I was given advice to talk about what worries me and he said the therapists have advised me wrong.
Oh my goodness I totally understand this. I’ve been in your shoes. I get that way a lot with my bf like hyper sensitive and jumping to conclusions. I totally get why you asked. Now you have to think: why was he angry? First off he was probably moreso frustrated. And he probably felt the same pang you felt in a way. It would be awful if he were on tinder; it made you very upset just thinking about it. It made him upset too, just thinking that you might see him as someone who might do that.

I also see where both your therapist and your partner are coming from. Communication IS key but communicating those irrational worries is not. I’ve learned that the hard way (about seventy times). And I’m sure I will some more. Before you bring that up , you have to get back into a rational headspace first. Calm down, think it through. Then you can be like “hey so I had this outlandish thought the other day and I know it’s inaccurate but what is that thing on your phone that looks like a dating app?” And laugh it off a bit.

I would often also feel AMAZING at first after sharing my worries because it’s relief plus you feel you’re standing up for yourself/ being tough. You have to readjust into 1. You two are on the same team, being defensive is destructive not badassery lol. And 2. Even if voicing something might feel good for a second you really do need to think about how it’ll affect him too.

It’s hard, it’s a journey, but you can improve with some insight and mindfulness and I think once he sees that he won’t be as defensive either.
 
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TryingMyBestAlways

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Oh my goodness I totally understand this. I’ve been in your shoes. I get that way a lot with my bf like hyper sensitive and jumping to conclusions. I totally get why you asked. Now you have to think: why was he angry? First off he was probably moreso frustrated. And he probably felt the same pang you felt in a way. It would be awful if he were on tinder; it made you very upset just thinking about it. It made him upset too, just thinking that you might see him as someone who might do that.

I also see where both your therapist and your partner are coming from. Communication IS key but communicating those irrational worries is not. I’ve learned that the hard way (about seventy times). And I’m sure I will some more. Before you bring that up , you have to get back into a rational headspace first. Calm down, think it through. Then you can be like “hey so I had this outlandish thought the other day and I know it’s inaccurate but what is that thing on your phone that looks like a dating app?” And laugh it off a bit.

I would often also feel AMAZING at first after sharing my worries because it’s relief plus you feel you’re standing up for yourself/ being tough. You have to readjust into 1. You two are on the same team, being defensive is destructive not badassery lol. And 2. Even if voicing something might feel good for a second you really do need to think about how it’ll affect him too.

It’s hard, it’s a journey, but you can improve with some insight and mindfulness and I think once he sees that he won’t be as defensive either.
Thank you so much that has helped loads, I feel like a bitch now though 🙈 this is one complex diagnosis x
 
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EstherRose94

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Thank you so much that has helped loads, I feel like a bitch now though 🙈 this is one complex diagnosis x
Don’t guilt yourself; I mean in your head and the way you were looking at it, it made sense to get freaked out. You just took a few steps ahead of the evidence you had. I mean if my phone rings and it’s one of my parents I straight up assume the other has died. But I can talk myself down from that/ resist the urge to react as if it’s happened. Ive learned to do the same with like if my bf is texting a number I don’t know. It’s usually like his cousin or someone from work asking for the computer password or something lol.
 
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