- Feb 2, 2019
- Idaho, United States
Hi! I'm new to this forum. In fact I've never posted in any online forums until now. I am reaching out to others finally, instead of suffering in silence. I also suffer from diagnosed clinical depression and anxiety, which I take meds for. I just got insurance so I will talk to a counselor because I really need help. My name is Nichol, im 45 and I'm from the United States. I've been married to my husband for going on 2 years this July and we've been together for 6 years, so I think I know him pretty well. He was diagnosed in 2012 with severe PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I love him very much and want so bad to make things work for us. I just feel so lost and alone and don't know how to handle his frequent anger, outburst, extreme mood changes and black/white thinking. Things will seem great for awhile, he is so loving, giving, considerate, kind...he heaps praise on me and tells me how gorgeous I am. Then the next day, he finds every fault with me and everything I do is wrong. He truly seems to want everything to go his way. He gets angry for instance if I talk too much, like when I got home from running errands today, I was excitedly telling me about my day and he let me talk and seemed happy. I'd asked him about his day first and he told me and when I started talking, I thought he had finished talking. Apparently not, since later on tonight, he said that I talked too much and he couldn't get a word in edgewise. He had complained about our two puppies having problems with being totally housebroken which we've been working on and he was the one who brought it up and because I thought he wanted to talk about it, I was discussing solutions with him. But now he threw that in my face too that he wanted us to get intimate, but I talked about the dogs. We were cooking dinner together when we were having our conversation about dogs and couldn't read his mind or tell by his actions that he wanted us to be intimate. I'm reduced to tears yet again tonight and he went to bed early and when I tried to again apologize and do whatever it takes to make him happy, he tells me it's too late and he tells me all the things I did wrong tonight. I tell him how sorry I truly am and I promise not to talk about the dogs anymore or anything else and pay total attention to him and he tells me that he was trying all evening to be intimate with me and I let other distractions especially the dogs get in the way, so tonight is over. I'm so sick of being blindsided all of the time, walking on eggshells, trying so hard to always please him and not make him mad, having great times that are wonderful and letting my guard down, only to have him turn on me for reasons that don't make sense. I always am left feeling like it's my fault, that something is wrong with me, that I'm not good enough. When I tell him that he's controlling, he gets so mad and says that his first and second wives both told him that and he is NOT controlling. (Yes, I'm his third wife. His first wife and him were married for 13 years before they divorced and his second wife and him were married for 20 years before they divorced.) I never thought he was Narcissistic because he truly seems to have empathy and caring for others. He was a Nurse for 21 years and a Helicopter Medic in the National Guard before that, for 10 years. I've seen how much love he gives his grandkids and kids and he truly seems to care about and love them. I would love to hear from anyone who has borderline personality disorder or who is living with someone who has it, advice for dealing with the devaluation and illogical anger, the hurt, the fear. Sorry I'm so long winded. Thank you to anyone who has read this far. I'm so sick of crying myself to sleep at least 3 to 4 nights a week and being told to stop crying. I have never felt suicidal in my life prior to being married to him, but I have been seriously close to trying to kill myself many times when he gets so angry with me and is so emotionally abusive to me. I try to understand why he is the way he is and he has told me about how horrifically he was abused as a kid by his parents and many traumatic events in his adult life. He has had some counseling in 2012 after he had a nervous breakdown and was on psych meds for awhile and then he convinced his psychiatrist that he was ok and he was taken off all his psych meds. He won't seek psychiatric help or counseling now, even though his insurance will cover it. I want to know how to cope better and how to deal with his anger and his turning on me.