• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hi everyone, and wow do I need help

B

Bhadger

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Manitoba
I'm so glad I joined this forum, because I feel like I have always been very good at helping others in bad and dire situations. However, tonight I feel as if my life has literally hit rock bottom. Here it is;

I'm 26 yrs old, Male and married to my wife (who I absolutely love). She has had mental issues before and had previously seen a counselor. Me and her have usually been very good together.

In March of 2019, my mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. To say this affected me is an understatement. She was everything to me. I have experienced many deaths of loved ones in my family throughout my life and my mom was all I had left. So I hit ultimate depression without even realizing I was in depression. I didn't notice this until my wife pointed it out and I wasn't taking care of myself, would cry daily, and didn't care about myself.

To make matters worse, our wedding was 2 months after my mom passed, so the wedding was essentially ruined for me. This not only hurt me, but my wife. She says I've been a different person since she died and I honestly believe I lost a piece of myself forever with her.

I was involved in a life changing car accident that injured me enough to miss work for one year. This was also during the wedding. So I didn't work and I had these issues. This then led to me spending money where I shouldn't have and buying things that were stupid and not budgeted for.....and I wouldn't tell my wife about it.

I couldn't believe the lie I got myself into, and I just kept not telling her, even though I was putting myself in debt more and more daily, I almost couldn't even control it and felt it made me forget about my mom. The debt as of today is 25,000$, which my wife had 0 idea about.

Then, her grandpa passes away recently, and she will receive quite the amount of money (possibly 100k). She was all excited about how she can pay off her car, and bank the rest of it, and we could start looking at buying a house together, but this looming debt was absolutely crushing me every day. The lies, the fact I literally couldn't afford anything despite having a good job.

So I told her about it. What I didn't know, was she was back in her depression, and has not been eating, and has found new friends online and has picked up drinking every now and then. So when I told her, it crushed her. I came completely clean about everything. However, she can't trust me anymore, and has since treated me completely different and wants nothing to do with me. She says she doesn't know what to do, and wants time to process it all, yet I'm over here freaking out daily that she will leave, yet fully aware this was my fault and I deserve anything that comes my way. She has since told me she won't offer to help financially and figures I do it myself (I can't afford it) but told me if I go bankrupt she would leave me.

You can imagine how this would effect me even though I feel like the screw up. I just got laid off from my job (due to Covid) and I'm stuck at home all day thinking about this, and it's honestly bringing back a dark side I remember from losing my mom in 2019.

So any advice, anything at all would be appreciated, and I'm sorry you all have to meet me like this, because I promise I truly love helping people and being there for them. I feel as if I was dealt a bad hand at life, and I believe there are others like me who might know the answer on what to do.

P.S, we are looking into marriage counseling so that's a start.

Love you all!
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
6,356
Location
Norway
Hi Bhadger welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
steelboss

steelboss

Active member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
43
Location
Suzhou, China
Well,
That is quite a big onion there with plenty of layers to peel.
The big thing was being honest. You had to come clean and without the truth, there is no logical way to move forward. Your wife has the right to be angry as much as she wants, but she is your wife. There should be some forgiveness and efforts to understand from her part. It’s not like you cheated on her.
You let something get out of control and you hid it for a long time. Maybe she feels you have betrayed her trust.
But let’s look at it the other way. Imagine if she did the things you have done. How would you react and would you forgive and forget? If yes, then you should be able to have mutual expectations. If she really does not want to forgive or to excessively punish you, then this will become more of a test for both of you. Some relationships are based in true love, others are relationships of convenience, where people stay together because they just can’t cope from moving on from a dysfunctional relationship. You have to understand what is your real position in this; I.e, do you have more plays or not.
 
Talina

Talina

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
1,539
Location
Sweden
Hi Bhadger and welcome to the forum :welcome:

That must be a really hard situation to handle and I hope you and your wife will get through it.

At least I hope the forum can be of help and that you can find support here!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,430
Location
Nashua NH
Hello a badger and welcome to the forums.
I’m so sorry for what you have been going through.
Everyone makes mistakes. It is good that you came
clean about the spending and its certainly understandable that your wife is
angry. I thought that since husband and wives assets are combined that the bankruptcy would affect both of you were things to end up that way but maybe that is not the case. At least you stopped spending when you did. I would give your wife the time and space she needs to
process this new situation. I might also try being sweet to her and reminding her what a good husband you can be, why she married you to start with. I’m very sorry to hear about your mother. Have you been in grief counseling for her loss at all? Could you pick up a second job to help pay off the debt early? Looking for extra work might be a good distraction for your mind snd keep you from
slipping into your darker places. If not that then possibly some other distraction will do. I hope things take a turn for the better soon. xo, j
 
B

Bhadger

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Manitoba
Thank you everyone! It feels good to even talk about this with people who won't judge me daily about it. This has all helped :)!!
 
S

StillDepressed

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
518
Location
UK
My parents have the strongest marriage I know... but 20 years ago my Dad got into debt and borrowed more to cope. He is old-fashioned and always thought it was his responsibility to provide for the family and lied to my Mum about the state of the finances. When Mum found out she was angry and dropped into her depression. This rocked the marriage and they went to counselling.

I thought I would just give you hope that you can get through it and that finances can rock the most stable of relationships and also the most stable of minds. If you are going to get though this you need to be 100% honest with each other and help each other through (not necessarily bail you out financially, but you should deal with this together, maybe allow her to be in charge of finances). Remember she has a right to be angry, she is allowed time to process everything and trust can be re-earned.

Good Luck
 
B

Bhadger

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Manitoba
Thank you, this helped a lot! I'm glad to hear there is still hope in the fact she will trust me one day. I am going to focus on making sure she is happy and not stressed at home. Thank you again <3
 
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