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  • Thread starter Squirrels make me smile
  • Start date
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
Hi there I was diagnosed with bpd 4 years ago after a suicide attempt (in hospital for 2 months and done perm damage to liver)

After domestic abuse and being sexually attacked by a ex and his friends, I completely broke down. Dorset police decided to dump me in Bournemouth (never been or even heard off at that point, my geography is terrible) I am very isolated and only have one friend here, we are seeing less and less of each other as he has so much work on and multiple jobs to do.

I was only ever seen by the mht once, they put me on medication that turned me into a zombie, I stopped taking them 2 years ago. My life just feels at a complete standstill I hardly leave my bedsit and have just given up on life, I've been rejected for pip twice. First assessment I got 7 points the next one I got zero, my circumstances had got worse!

I enjoy cleaning, art, history, music is my main passion, sci-fi geek, pizza is my comfort.

I don't drink and gave up smoking a couple of years ago, I now vape. It's saved me a fortune, a 20 a day habit is not justifiable when you are on benefits.

I'm nervous even though I'm only typing on a forum, so I've probably rambled on long enough, I'm just typing what ever comes into my head. It would be so nice to have people to chat to who have the same condition as me. I'm gay by the way. I'm masculine and just happen to like men. Saying that I have 0 sex drive, the medication I was on destroyed my drive and even 2 years after I stopped taking them it hasn't returned.

I'm also a massive animal lover, my favourites are dogs, owls and squirrels.

Hope you are all having a good weekend and hope to chat to some people very soon.
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Hi there, looks like you've been through hell. How are you feeling at the moment? are you off meds now? are you in therapy? your liver can renew it's self so you might be ok long term, do you think you need to areas and start a fresh?
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
Thanks for the reply, I stopped taking the medication 2 years ago. It literally just made me sleep all the time and I used to get extremely angry all the time. I feel so trapped. I don't want to be in Bournemouth at all, it's a small town with small town mentality, also they hate scousers here so it's the worst place I could off ended up.

I have requested therapy a few times and never heard anything back, I haven't seen a doctor in over a year. Apart from going to Aldi and Asda and throwing my rubbish out I don't leave the house.

I would say the past few months my mood has been extremely low every day, and I'm just constantly contemplating suicide, absolutely anything has to be better than this.

I treated myself to some new clothes for the summer so that's cheered me up a bit, for the first time in ages I don't look like a miss matched tramp.

I'm so tired of being skint all the time, so even when I feel a bit of a boost and think of doing something I don't have the money to do it. I so miss the museum's and galleries in Liverpool, but I don't want to go back there. I feel out of love with my hometown many years ago.

The place I live in is hell, I'm surrounded by drug addicts and alcoholics. Living in a bedsit is not helping my mental health at all. I'm a extremely clean and houseproud person, so to live in a place with people who smear poo on the walls is literally hell!!

I just don't know who or where to turn to.
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Have you got any family? if the place you're living in is getting you down then you need to move, sitting in all the time will make you dwell on things and you might start to get depressed. Can you hold a job down? what's number 1 on your list to change right now?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
maybe go along to the council offices and go on the housing list. dont quite know how that works these days
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
My mum and dad are both in there 70s and my mum is physically disabled, they downsized a few years back so no room. Plus I don't want to go back to Liverpool it's gone dreadful the past few years. I come from a very small family and haven't seen aunties cousins etc in over 15 years. I worked most of my life. It was only after the attack and suicide attempt I've been unemployed.

I have so many things I want to change, the first would be moving. The landlord I have is dreadful, a company called Dave wells properties, all they care about is rent. The loft space in this house is a flat and last year was used as a brothel!! At the moment they are saying Tennant's can't do internal moves, I wanted to get a studio, my mum and dad offered to top the rent up until I'm 35 and dwp said no? So I feel trapped. Also one of the lads in building has basically been bullying me into getting cra## and hero## which has led me into getting in £4000 worth of debt and now my credit scores are 0 across the board.

My anxiety and depression are so bad atm I doubt I could hold a job down, unless there was minimal interaction with people. I never in a million years thought my life would turn out this way. I haven't even seen my parents in 3 years because the thought of doing a 500 mile round trip (public transport) is terrifying.
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
maybe go along to the council offices and go on the housing list. dont quite know how that works these days
I was housed by the council in a lovely flat a couple of years ago, it was only temp and basically they made me go with current landlord and move into a bedsit. If I could turn the clock back I would of said no as I can't cope in a bedsit. The waiting list is 7 years!!! And I'm not classed as a priority.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
hey really sorry about this the only other option i can thinnk of is private rent
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
or a job that includes accomadation but that aint too brill...
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
hey really sorry about this the only other option i can thinnk of is private rent
At 34 can only get the one bedroom rate ATM on benefits which is £67 a week. I don't understand why the government set the age at 35, I'm the cleanest person and most responsible in this house and the youngest! Dammed if you do dammed if you don't situation
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Ok you need to see a doctor and get some support, i would think about going back on meds if your anxiety and depression are bad, are you off street drugs now? write down a list of what you want to happen in your life and in what order, then try and think about how you're going to achieve it. Things can and will get better but you need a plan
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
He's been away for 3 weeks so hasn't been pestering me, I'm very open when it comes to drugs. I rarely do them, interestingly Even though I have an addictive personality I can go months without doing anything. Before I met this lad I'd never in a million years try anything like white and brown, I was at a low point and thought why not what have I got to loose. He's from up north and came down here for rehab which clearly didn't work. His parents are multimillionaires, it's his choice to stay down here (so he can do what he wants basically)
My hole life I seem to always get users latching onto me, I need to be brave and just ignore him and keep him at arm's length. He's back tomorrow which I'm dreading.

I have given up on doctors, I always feel they are so patronising and have Victorian era attitudes, basically suck it up and get on with it.

I know my life can't carry on like this I have the potential to do amazing things, my sister is a head mistress in a secondary school. We are both adopted and couldn't of got anymore lucky with the parents we have. I think being adopted also plays a big part in a person's life, the feeling of rejection is always there.

I should do a TV show in this house, honestly the goings on are unbeatable.
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
I'm scared to go on meds again because the way the last couple made me feel and act.
 
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