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Hi! Be warned - some talk of suicidal ideation but I'm quite cheerful really ;)

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Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi all :dance:

I'm here because I want to be honest. I belong to another forum and a real life support group. I have tied myself in the knot of feeling I can't be honest in either place because people care about me and I don't want to upset them. I also take pride in supporting others, partly by helping them find a silver lining. I feel that my words would ring hollow if they knew I have given up.

I have decided to talk about in at the real life group this week but for now, I want to get it out here.

After a lifetime of mental health issues and over 10 years of engaging constructively with myself, I feel done. No more.

I couldn't live any longer being as completely repressed as I used to be, with the help of some amazing therapists I have learned to step out into life, experience new things, make friends, enjoy myself, build a career. I have also learned how to feel and process emotions again. I have a sneaking suspicion that I repressed so thoroughly in the first place because I am just too damn sensitive. I feel alive but I feel so much hurt. I am undertaking counseling at the moment and maybe this is just a phase but it is so, so, tough.

My counselor knows that I have set a date, almost two years away yet when I will make a decision on whether I want to keep living. I had to set that date because giving myself an end point was the only way I could generate hope and stop obsessing about suicide at the moment. I will keep trying all avenues in the meantime, keep trying to improve my experience of life. I have come so far already, maybe I will complete that extra yard but right now, I don't want to. I'm done but I'll wait the calendar out anyway.

Sorry such a dark intro. Thanks for reading and take care of yourselves, we all deserve that care.
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
hello,please feel free to be honest with me I never judgex
But something tells me that you not having such a good time at the moment..
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi

Thanks for your response. Something tells me you may be right :)

I agree about the judgement stuff, judging is for bakery contests not for human beings.
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
Sorry that might have sounded insensitive but sometimes my humour just comes through x
Quick story to give you a laugh my son has just come in from gym and eat my dinner for work tomorrow, what is a girl to do??
These little things are sometimes what you have to look at and not the big picture x
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
My turn to apologize. Your response deserved more than a thumbs up. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it made me smile.
 
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mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
GOOD, and so you should x and ffs please don't judge my baking as I make scones as flat as round earth deniers x I was just trying to say that why are you so intent on trying to live? Intrigues me that you seem to not be able to despite your cracking sense of humour, and as for a date for your demise, well that's good then isn't it cos if I knew mine I would now be on a cruise shagging all the fit waiters and spending all my dosh. Life is just the way we are right now and sometimes,just sometimes it gives us fun x
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Now how can I work up a proper suicidal funk if you keep making me laugh? :thanks:

Why am I intent on trying to live? That's the only game in town. Two years is a long time, the hope is that I will change my mind but it is comforting that the option to cease is there.

Why are you waiting to chase those waiters? Go get 'em tiger!

G'night
 
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mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
Well you can't that is the point lol x i am going to bed now with Tommy from Beaky Blinders, Lucifer and my future husband High Jackmanx Boy I will be a busy girl x Hope yu have lovely dream too hun x
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hello again peeps.

I've been looking around the forum to try to find someone to help. I had nothing to say to any of the posts I read. As far as all the posts on the forum goes, love and kindness to you all.

I kinda feel I have to help others before I post again as some sort of weird payment for me posting but I'm going to put that to one side and say that I really am, so, so, tired of it all.

No emergencies here, no destructive actions imminent, just me seeking some form of attention and validation. So, so scared of connecting with other people, so, so scared of rejection. It's a self fulfilling prophesy but a habit I cannot break. So, so tired of being alone, so, so tired of blaming myself, of seeing myself as a piece of sub-human scum who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as others let alone develop mutually respectful and caring friendships with them. So, so, tired of being the builder and warder of my own prison. So, so, tired of life but still hanging on to a sliver of hope.
 
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Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
104
Location
Midlands
You’re still hanging on....that’s amazing considering how you feel.
What on earth has made you feel so badly about yourself?
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi Sara

Thank you so much for replying. Lessons learned in childhood, behaviors learned for the child to protect himself. What and why doesn't matter so much, I get all that, the feelings and behavior patterns remain.

Thank you once again for replying. How are you doing this evening?
 
S

Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
104
Location
Midlands
Im sorry you’ve been made to feel and think like that, it sounds like you’ve had it tough!
I’m not doing so well tonight .
I have health anxiety and tonight I have indigestion. My mind won’t allow me to believe it’s just indesgestion tho 😢
 
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Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
The mind is such a strange thing. All reality is subjective because it is perceived, filtered and understood through the brain. What is real for our hind brains is real to us despite what our fore brains think about it all. There lies the conflict that we all live with and the reason that we should not blame ourselves for our irrational beliefs.

I'm sorry to hear you have indigestion and I am sorry to hear your hind brain wants to to convince you it is something worse. I hope you feel better by morning. I wonder if giving your fore brain some morale support will help. How many times has your hind brain screamed things like this at you in the past? How many times has it turned out to be true?
 
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Helen73

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
150
Location
Birkenhead, Wirral
Hi Coolname, just wanted to say hello. You can be honest here and people will be honest with you too. Like you I'm tired of it all too. Maybe setting a date brings peace...............
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
208
Location
UK
Hi, it helps me. The trick is to make it far enough off to enable me to change my mind.

Thanks
x
 
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