Hi! Be warned - some talk of suicidal ideation but I'm quite cheerful really ;)

C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#1
Hi all :dance:

I'm here because I want to be honest. I belong to another forum and a real life support group. I have tied myself in the knot of feeling I can't be honest in either place because people care about me and I don't want to upset them. I also take pride in supporting others, partly by helping them find a silver lining. I feel that my words would ring hollow if they knew I have given up.

I have decided to talk about in at the real life group this week but for now, I want to get it out here.

After a lifetime of mental health issues and over 10 years of engaging constructively with myself, I feel done. No more.

I couldn't live any longer being as completely repressed as I used to be, with the help of some amazing therapists I have learned to step out into life, experience new things, make friends, enjoy myself, build a career. I have also learned how to feel and process emotions again. I have a sneaking suspicion that I repressed so thoroughly in the first place because I am just too damn sensitive. I feel alive but I feel so much hurt. I am undertaking counseling at the moment and maybe this is just a phase but it is so, so, tough.

My counselor knows that I have set a date, almost two years away yet when I will make a decision on whether I want to keep living. I had to set that date because giving myself an end point was the only way I could generate hope and stop obsessing about suicide at the moment. I will keep trying all avenues in the meantime, keep trying to improve my experience of life. I have come so far already, maybe I will complete that extra yard but right now, I don't want to. I'm done but I'll wait the calendar out anyway.

Sorry such a dark intro. Thanks for reading and take care of yourselves, we all deserve that care.
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
#2
hello,please feel free to be honest with me I never judgex
But something tells me that you not having such a good time at the moment..
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#3
Hi

Thanks for your response. Something tells me you may be right :)

I agree about the judgement stuff, judging is for bakery contests not for human beings.
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
#4
Sorry that might have sounded insensitive but sometimes my humour just comes through x
Quick story to give you a laugh my son has just come in from gym and eat my dinner for work tomorrow, what is a girl to do??
These little things are sometimes what you have to look at and not the big picture x
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#5
My turn to apologize. Your response deserved more than a thumbs up. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it made me smile.
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
#6
GOOD, and so you should x and ffs please don't judge my baking as I make scones as flat as round earth deniers x I was just trying to say that why are you so intent on trying to live? Intrigues me that you seem to not be able to despite your cracking sense of humour, and as for a date for your demise, well that's good then isn't it cos if I knew mine I would now be on a cruise shagging all the fit waiters and spending all my dosh. Life is just the way we are right now and sometimes,just sometimes it gives us fun x
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#7
Now how can I work up a proper suicidal funk if you keep making me laugh? :thanks:

Why am I intent on trying to live? That's the only game in town. Two years is a long time, the hope is that I will change my mind but it is comforting that the option to cease is there.

Why are you waiting to chase those waiters? Go get 'em tiger!

G'night
 
M

mogdigs

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
25
Location
Wales
#8
Well you can't that is the point lol x i am going to bed now with Tommy from Beaky Blinders, Lucifer and my future husband High Jackmanx Boy I will be a busy girl x Hope yu have lovely dream too hun x
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#9
Hello again peeps.

I've been looking around the forum to try to find someone to help. I had nothing to say to any of the posts I read. As far as all the posts on the forum goes, love and kindness to you all.

I kinda feel I have to help others before I post again as some sort of weird payment for me posting but I'm going to put that to one side and say that I really am, so, so, tired of it all.

No emergencies here, no destructive actions imminent, just me seeking some form of attention and validation. So, so scared of connecting with other people, so, so scared of rejection. It's a self fulfilling prophesy but a habit I cannot break. So, so tired of being alone, so, so tired of blaming myself, of seeing myself as a piece of sub-human scum who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as others let alone develop mutually respectful and caring friendships with them. So, so, tired of being the builder and warder of my own prison. So, so, tired of life but still hanging on to a sliver of hope.
 
S

Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
63
Location
Midlands
#10
You’re still hanging on....that’s amazing considering how you feel.
What on earth has made you feel so badly about yourself?
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#11
Hi Sara

Thank you so much for replying. Lessons learned in childhood, behaviors learned for the child to protect himself. What and why doesn't matter so much, I get all that, the feelings and behavior patterns remain.

Thank you once again for replying. How are you doing this evening?
 
S

Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
63
Location
Midlands
#12
Im sorry you’ve been made to feel and think like that, it sounds like you’ve had it tough!
I’m not doing so well tonight .
I have health anxiety and tonight I have indigestion. My mind won’t allow me to believe it’s just indesgestion tho 😢
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#13
The mind is such a strange thing. All reality is subjective because it is perceived, filtered and understood through the brain. What is real for our hind brains is real to us despite what our fore brains think about it all. There lies the conflict that we all live with and the reason that we should not blame ourselves for our irrational beliefs.

I'm sorry to hear you have indigestion and I am sorry to hear your hind brain wants to to convince you it is something worse. I hope you feel better by morning. I wonder if giving your fore brain some morale support will help. How many times has your hind brain screamed things like this at you in the past? How many times has it turned out to be true?
 
H

Helen73

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
124
Location
Birkenhead, Wirral
#14
Hi Coolname, just wanted to say hello. You can be honest here and people will be honest with you too. Like you I'm tired of it all too. Maybe setting a date brings peace...............
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#15
Hi, it helps me. The trick is to make it far enough off to enable me to change my mind.

Thanks
x
 
S

Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
63
Location
Midlands
#16
Oh gosh, ild be a very rich lady if I had a pound for every time I was convinced I wouldn’t make the Morning!
Thank you for puttinh it into perspective, symptoms are easing off slightly now x
 
C

Coolname

Active member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
#17
Good! I'm glad they are easing off.

Your brain is telling you the 'going to die' story. It seems real because your brain is telling it, no shame in that, if your ancestors didn't listen to that story and run away from danger you wouldn't be here.

The problem is that we don't often face life or death situations in the 21st century West. Our brains are still set up to warn us of danger and will find it anywhere. I wonder if you accept the story, not accept that it is true but accept that it is there instead of fighting it, accept that your hind brain means well. I wonder if that would help you recognise it is just a scary story and that you can chose to ignore it or tell yourself a different story instead? After all, you are neither rich nor dead so you have concrete evidence that you don't have to take the story seriously.

I know it isn't as easy as that, that our hind brains are hugely powerful but sometimes chipping away at these things over time can be as powerful as the river that carved the Grand Canyon.

I hope you get some sleep.

G'night
x
 
S

Sara_1978

Well-known member
Joined
May 15, 2019
Messages
63
Location
Midlands
#18
Thank you coolname.
when ur feeling badly about urself please remember that you have really helped someone tonight.
Goodnight x
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
766
#19
We help others because it helps us to avoid looking at our own pain. That’s not to say the intent isn’t sincere, it usually is, but by making others the focus it tricks the brain from your own issues.

It sounds like you are dealing with some of the trauma you have endured in life, and that your usual trick of swallowing it is no longer working. That can be devastating, as it’s always worked in the past. And that loss of control can lead to fear which can lead to suicidal ideation.

The good news is that once you are ready to process your pain, you will be able to understand where it comes from, and you’ll gain greater control over your emotions and your life.

Don’t force it. It will come when it comes. But don’t fear it either. It will set you free. Xo
 
embleton

embleton

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 13, 2018
Messages
293
Location
Plymouth
#20
I've had feelings of suicidality often and a few attempts behind my name. And I only live day to day with living with schizoaffective disorder, and the mood swings into the depression of blackhole for despair. I look forward to the highs but my doctors do not!

It's like riding a tightrope ensuring you don't jump up too high or fall too low and miss the line.
 

Similar threads