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Hi all, signed off of work for the first time, full of dread, guilt and sadness.

G

ghostmark2005

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Joined
Mar 11, 2015
Messages
2
Hi all, signed off of work for the first time, full of dread, guilt and sadness.

Hi all

I don't even know where to start my head is so all over the place.

I'm 25, have 2 beautiful children and a gorgeous wife. I'm in a full time, very stressful public sector job.

I have suffered with (what I didn't know at the time) was depression since I was in secondary school, when self harm seemed to be the thing for me to do.

Fast forward several years and my wife and I were living together. A dreadful scenario at work left me nearly sacked, the gist of the scenario was several female members of staff led by a male member of staff put in tens of complaints about me while I was signed off sick. Many were unfounded, fabricated and grossly exaggerated but having 4 vs 1 I stood no chance of fighting back. Since then I have had a serious phobia of working with female colleagues and my managers. It makes working life extremely stressful as sometimes I only work with women, the majority I get along with fine and am very good friends with, others I'm terrified of simply because I feel if I say one word wrong by mistake or try and argue a point, even if I am right, I'll be branded sexist and lose my job. I really hope I don't sound sexist, I'm really not, I'm just scared :(

I was moved stations and shifts after this and I went to see my GP who referred me to counselling, which was okay, but as soon as the 30 minute sessions were over I went straight back to feeling like I did before I went in.

I moved shifts/stations again a year later and all was good for a while but like it does depression kept creeping back. Eventually it got so bad I went to see my GP for the first time for medication and was put on citalopram which I have been taking for 3 years.

In the last week for what feels like nearly no reason at all depression has hit me head on hard and although I had 3 days off from work in between in which I thought I would feel better as soon as I got in to work today it hit me like a freight train.

I left work feeling on the verge of tears with a huge weight on my shoulders. The helpless, hopeless feeling of eternal doom wouldn't go away and something in me said that it was time to finally go back to the doctors.

I was surprised the doctor saw me only 2 hours after calling and he was absolutely fantastic, helpful, friendly, approachable. Not that the other doctors hadn't been but I really didn't expect him to be as good as he was.

He upped my dose of citalopram re-referred me to counselling and signed me off for 7 days. This is what has now caused me the most grief.

I am full of guilt, feel pathetic and stupid, I feel like I am attention seeking, exaggerating and like I've only concocted this whole thing to get time off of work. Put on top of this I had time off booked for this weekend to take my wife up north for her work where I was going to stay with my kids for two days I feel like I should cancel everything and lie in bed for 7 days like people expect depressed people to do.

My supervisor has been absolutely fantastic, told me not to worry, has sorted everything out for me, told me taking my wife to work will not be an issue...it's made me feel even more guilty :(

I confided in a colleague who in turn confided in me that they had been depressed for a long time too, but it was more of a case of 'join the club...' rather than being any help at all. This has made me feel terrible because now I have the thought that this person thinks that I thought I was some sort of special case and deserved sympathy but with the response of 'join the club' it was a clear way of saying 'save it, you're not getting sympathy from me.' :sorry:

So much confusedness, sadness, anger, hatred at myself, dizziness and MEHness in my head right now.

So sorry for the long post but needed a place to rant :(
 
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MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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Hi and :welcome: to the forum.

I'm sorry that things have got so bad for you but I am glad you have seen a great GP :)

I understand what you mean to do what is expected of someone who is off sick and it is very tempting to follow the expectation but then you get into a viscous cycle.

I think it will do you the world of good to have some time to relax before and after your trip up north and staying with your kids. It's hard to think that though.

I think part of your guilt is that people can't see the mental side to what you feeling so they can't see just how much you are actually hurting inside and some people think that all Depression are the same when in fact they are all different for different people.

I know it's hard but try to put that guilt to the back of your mind (easier said than done, I know) and maybe concentrate in seeing your kids. Have you got any plans with them?

Have a browse around. I don't know whether this will help in any way but we do have this section that it might be worth looking at to see how others have dealt with this.

I am currently signed off for the second time in six months (I made the mistake of going back too early first time and then I crashed after a high) and I do feel that guilt, even when I hear stories about what is going on at work, I think it's only natural to think these things.

Take care.

Marliee x
 
Last edited:
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi and welcome.

Similar thing happened to me, all hit me in the end and I had to take time out from work, understand all your feelings about it. Your health is more important than any of it.

The forum will help you a lot, marileebee is right,my age a browse around.mit certainly helped me
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi and welcome.

Similar thing happened to me, all hit me in the end and I had to take time out from work, understand all your feelings about it. Your health is more important than any of it.

The forum will help you a lot, marileebee is right,it really helped me to have a look around the forum.

Oops apologies , what with auto correct and my mind the last bit of my response doesn't make sense. Revised it a bit here...
 
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