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R

rainbowfeathers

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Spain
Hello y'all, I don't know how to properly introduce myself because this is the first time I'm writing on a forum like this one but I'll try to do my best. I am a 28 years old girl from Spain who is suffering from depression and OCD. I've been also diagnosed cluster B personality disorder (Not by a pschylogist, mind you but my general practicioner so I have my doubts about the diagnosis. I don't know why my psychiatrist still use that diagnosis without further testing, she just took it as it is, but ok). I am currently on therapy with a wonderful psychologist online which I owe a lot but eventhough I am having really nice therapy sessions with her I am noticing that my mental health is deteriorating very rapidly. My family enviroment doesn't really help much my mental health and it only makes it worse. Since some time ago I started to develop things like shopping addiction that are hard to get rid of and are making my life very difficult. I feel like my existence is very empty and purposeless and that I need to fill it with anything I can hence shopping addiction and also overeating. In fact, shopping just makes me happy for 3 seconds and then I feel worse knowing that I wasted money, I have less money now and that I barely use that item I've bought. I don't want to center it all on my shopping addiction because I have a lot of things that distress me besides that but that's one example of what's going on with my life. I've been abused as a child both physical, mentally and sexually and since many years now all I utter relentlessly every single day is that "I want to die". For me life is unbearable, dull, I don't even enjoy the things I always liked to do. I can't even take any hobbies because I only feel apathy. And on top of all, I feel very alone :(. Although I have just one friend that I am very greatufl for. My love history has been failure after failure since I broke up with the most wonderful person there is. Also, I fell in love years ago with this really marvelous and gorgeous person and I went lenghts and beyond to do anything for her and always stood by her side but she rejected me and that was a tough punch in the guts. Nobody finds me interesting or pretty. As a matter of fact everybody tells me I'm ugly and fat and that believe it or not makes me want to eat more. I honestly don't know what's going on with my mind besides OCD and depression. I want to be diagnosed to see if there's anything else lurking inside me, I need to find answers... My psychologist gave me some tests but she didn't diagnose anything out of them. At times I think I am not right in the head because a lot of times I phantasize that I have powers and that I am a magical being and that I have a extraordinary power and that if everybody would recognize that power everybody would treat me right, with respect and all my problems would be gone. Anyway, this post is getting pretty long and I doubt anybody will read it or pay attention but I am glad to be here.

PS: I really hope I don't really have a cluster B personality disorder... No offense to those of you that do have it.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
4,130
Location
Sheffiield
I'm sorry to hear about the things you've been through, sounds like it's been a tough life for you.

I'm glad you're still with us and have come here for support, that to me shows an incredible inner strength.

Welcome to the forums!
 
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