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HEY THERE! I'm Rapid Cycling and Not Myself

Livingsacrifice

Livingsacrifice

Active member
Joined
Jun 26, 2021
Messages
36
Location
United States
Hi there.

I got married two weeks ago tomorrow, and it was one of the best days of my life. The year and a half of planning the wedding itself was the most exhausting experience, and then on top of that, it was my third year teaching high school among all this full remote, full in person, and hybrid schedules being changed at the last second. SO, also the most stressful year as teacher so far. The past year I experienced more depression and anxiety symptoms than anything - always so fatigued, my house was a disgusting disaster constantly, and I half-asssd everything because I was running on fumes almost every day.

That being said, a couple days after the wedding, my whole demeanor and emotional state/responses have been completely out of control and SO unlike me. I have been down right mean to my husband - quick to snap, immediately lose my temper, and just be an overall miserable and cruel person. I need to see my psychiatrist to check in and maybe start some new meds.... but whenever it comes to taking care of myself (making appointments, daily hygiene habits, drinking water and eating at least decently, etc). There's a lot if pressure on my now because I have a reason to take care of myself for my husband who flipping adores me. I've never valued myself but it would crush him if something happened. And I feel terrible, because that doesn't seem to be enough. I just can't force myself to do the things I need to to keep myself around for more than the next year or too.

This was rambling, but pretty much I'm angry and upset. I tried talking to my hubby but he just doesn't flipping get it. And it's difficult for me to explain it because I know it will come off passive aggressive, bitchy, and vindictive. Again, the exact opposite of what he is used to.

Sorry for the novel. Thanks for reading if you got this far. I appreciate you, and any words of advice or encouragement you may have. ❤
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
6,596
Location
A comet
Hello Livingsacrifice, welcome to the forum. Maybe see it as not forcing yourself to do things but instead see it as it being good for yourself. You would feel better after looking after yourself?
 
Livingsacrifice

Livingsacrifice

Active member
Joined
Jun 26, 2021
Messages
36
Location
United States
Hello Livingsacrifice, welcome to the forum. Maybe see it as not forcing yourself to do things but instead see it as it being good for yourself. You would feel better after looking after yourself?
Yes, I know. That is the common sense answer, right? That is why I am SO frustrated I just can't bring myself to do the things needed to be done.. I dealt with a lot trauma and verbal abuse at a young age, which completely destroyed my self-esteem and self-worth. I had a close family member who was just diagnosed as Bipolar type 1 when I was in 6th grade, and she was heartless when it came to tearing me down. Lets just say my 12 year old self bandaged up several self inflicted injuries, and them she would yell she hated me and she inflicted her own injuries because of me. Not to mention how mean she was about my appearance. So, low self-esteem sister, led me to my high school relationship with a boy who made my lack if self-esteem that much worse. I found saw no value in myself. I didn't care if J saw another day, and on a couple occasions I tried to end it and was FURIOUS I woke up to another day.

That being said, after a decade of worthlessness and self-loathing, I developed VERY bad habits of neglecting myself because I didn't care. However, everything has changed now that I am married because my husband is completely devoted to me. I e gained a lot more love for myself because he is so great at affirming I am beautiful inside and out..... which is why I'm just so effing pissed off at my behavior. I don't know what to do.
 
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