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Hey there do I have HOCD?

R

rosegoldgirl14

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2021
Messages
6
Location
London
I believe I have HOCD.
I had a friend telling me since July 2020 that I gave of bi vibes and I am probably in denial. I once even made a joke that I hate men to one of my guy friends in a group chat. She told me to message her and said to me if I hate men she's wrong I am probably a lesbian. She then proceeded to tell me that I should try thinking about woman, kissing woman being with a woman bc I might be bisexual or lesbian.
I didn't know at the time but my friend has a crush on me and wanted to date me. One of my friends later told me. If I knew this sooner then I would have blocked her earlier and maybe I wouldn't have ignored the thoughts for so long.
I am going to give a little backstory of myself. My whole life since the age of two I have only been attracted to males. I would know when a female if pretty but it never passed that. And it wasn't short crushes either, it was crushes that lasted for more then 6months often times multiple years. At the time my friend was telling me I was crushing on a boy so I was too busy crushing on the boy to respond to my thoughts. I would still have thoughts like " wut if I am bisexual or lesbian and I get together with this boy and I feel happy but then I realised it and I am gonna break his heart" but I chose to ignore it bc I was like if I wasn't attracted to males then I wouldn't be attracted to this guy:
I ended up moving on from this boy (at around the 10th December 2020)not because I realised I didn't like men but bc he didn't feel the same. And then afterwards it got really bad.
My attraction for men got lower and I started questioning my sexuality even tho I had no crushes or felt this way towards woman before. I told my mum and she told me that if I don't want to do anything with a woman then I can't be with a woman. But then my brain started telling me that being with a woman didn't seem that bad. I spoke to a friend who is part of the LGBT and she told me she realised she was never attracted to men in the first place. And then it got really bad since that day it has been constantly on my mind. 24/7.
Some of the things I question are following " what if I never liked men" " what if all the guys I liked before where just my way of covering things up" "what if I end up in a heterosexual relationship and end up realising I am gay and hurt the person that I am in a relationship with or my future kids will hate me " this are only some . These thoughts are constant 24/7. The first thing when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. I only feel safe in my dreams. I can't even distract myself bc that are always there
I also had so many compulses. I feel the need to go for my memory and see if I have more gay memorise than straight memorise. However all my straight memorise are ignored and labelled as denial. I also have the impulse to search up photos of men and woman to see which one is more attractive. I have the urge to do straight quizzes and watch coming out videos and after watching a video I would re analyse my childhood seeing if any of it match.
I now avoid any tv shows with gay couples. When I am waking on the street and I see a woman I cross the road bc I am scared of looking at the female and admitting that I find them attractive. I avoid seeing friends in person because I am scared that I will straight imagining kissing them. There's so many things that I can't do now.
I am so scared. I told my mother and she tells me to ignore them and that if I just move past it will go away but she doesn't understand that that's not how it works.
I am scared that I am in denial of being gay and that this whole HOCD is a cover up for it. Thank you for listening
 
R

rosegoldgirl14

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2021
Messages
6
Location
London
I forgot to add this: after I moved on from the boy my attraction to males lessened and I started questioning bisexuality and I went and told my mother who said have I had female crushes ? I said no and then she said do you want to be with a woman ? And I said no and she said then I can't claim to be bisexual bc it isn't a trend. When my mum was saying this however my Brain started saying "what if you wanna be with a girl tho?" And that's when it got really bad
 
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