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hey, is this normal or could i possibly be bipolar?

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cottonkandi

New member
Joined
Apr 12, 2019
Messages
1
Location
colorado
its something i wonder about occasionally.
my best friend had bipolar (lets call her Rachel) and we got along so well. i would always say that she understood parts of me that nobody else did.
and now recently my sister put herself in the mental hospital, theyre treating her for bipolar too.
it runs in my family. apparently my moms aunt has in, and possibly my grandma.
it just. makes sense.
i always used to just think i was “deep”. more alive, more sensitive than other people. just emotionally intense in these strange ways that nobody else could understand.
i remember the first time it happened. i was in freshman year of high school, hella depressed, and i had been for a while. i was very shy and had no friends.
and one night, like a light switch, everything f*cking changed. my entire existence did a flip switch.
i felt myself as part of the universe. i felt so much love. i loved everything and everyone. it was so beautiful. i would cry almost everyday, at absolutely everything. i just felt so much love. life felt free, open, forgiving, beautiful. it didnt bother me anymore that i had no friends, or sat by myself at lunch. i had the mountains, the trees, the sunshine,, and that was more than enough.
a few months of this. i started going outside, all the time. looking into environmental protection and meditation. i felt special, a universe child, like i was chosen for something extremely existentially meaningful.
a few months later, this feeling died down. i became my normal self again,, yet very upset and frustrated i couldnt feel the things i used to feel.


next year, sophomore year. it happened again. music became my life, my soul, everything. i wanted to be free. i hated society. i would dream and scheme every damn day about these grand plans of running away. just getting on a bus and leaving. having no identity, just living. my heart would literally race and i could feel the blood pump through my veins. i still had no friends, other than Rachel. this intense passion, it raced through me with all its vibrant colors. reds, oranges, yellows. bold juicy and sweet. i wanted to travel the world. i promised myself that i would live a genuine life. it terrified yet excited me. #nosleep

junior year, same sh*t. but this time it was drugs. the excitement of new experiences. i had so many friends this year. everyone loved me dude. i was real as f*ck and fun as f*ck. sneaking out, partying, drinking, everything. i loved drugs. my parents were pretty strict, so i lied to them about everything. one time i purposely rammed my car into a pole, just because my friend in the passenger seat said, “slow down, dont hit the pole” and i didnt like being told what to do. me n Rachel did some crazy sh*t this year. our other friends thought we were “sketchy” and “wild”, we were like the dynamic duo.

senior year was weird. senior year was f*cked. i thought i was going to die. if i did get mania this year, it was not happy mania. it was screaming, yelling, constantly pacing at work, feeling trapped in every aspect. my mind would scream at me constantly, repeating the same sh*t over and over, i couldnt make it stop. i got into an emotionally abusive relationship and i had something like psychosis (i thought my soul was poisoned, so i avoided everybody because i didnt want to poison them too). Rachel was in psychiatric treatment the whole year(for her own problems), and i lost all my other friends. all i could talk about was existence and death. i would sleep any chance i got. senior year was the color black.

im in college now, its getting better. last year kinda sucked(depression?).


i still sometimes get mental breakdowns but not nearly as much as i used to. they freak me out. one small thing can happen that throws me off entirely. nothing makes sense. i feel lost. i go crazy..thats what i call it. i get these impulses vividly. . my mind swirls like a whirlpool and i cant deal with myself. these episodes usually only last a day or two.


i dont know. when i get depressed, i sleep. i have no energy for anything. everything feels heavy and forced. when i get sad i think about my family. i think about the light in my little brothers eyes and i cry because he is so innocent. i cry about my mom, my dad,, their lives are almost over. are they happy? is my family f*cked? its not fair. nothing is fair. society is lost and meaningless. i feel the pain of everybody around me. i think about ryan(old friend that committed suicide)and i think about my past.

im not sure. everybody around me assumes im always happy. i actively and consciously try to only bring good vibes. i try to support and listen to people. i want them to feel acknowledged and heard.

im more balanced than i used to be. hormones are balancing out maybe? i also live in a more stable environment now, with stable and supporting friends. sometimes i miss the intensity. i hope im not going numb.
i appreciate my life and where its at right now. i remember that this is temporary, one day my life will be nothing like the way it is now. and thats life. its pretty f*cking short.
idk.
its not like im like this all the time. i definitely have my normal days. and i dont feel things nearly as intensely, for as long, as i used to.
so who knows?
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,582
Location
USA
You sound like you have bipolar to me but I’m not a professional I just know the symptoms from reading about it a lot.

You also sound like you should write a book. I know you were just being raw but that was really cool to read to be honest.
 
Y

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
626
Location
Georgia USA
Hello and welcome to the forum! I myself was just recently at 35 diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. It sounds like it could be bipolar but of course I’m not a doctor. I would recommend that you see your doctor and request a referral to see a psychiatrist to be diagnosed. If in fact you do have it a mood stabilizer can really help. I’ve been put on (lamotrigine) and it’s absolutely done wonders for me! Sorry you’re going through this and hopefully you can get some answers soon. :hug:
 
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